A Test of Faith: When Your Children Choose a Different Religion
Don’t be so disapproving.
Even if you’re disappointed, upset, or confused, try not to continue showing your disapproval when your son or daughter tells you they’ve decided to try a new religion. Even though your child may already be an adult, you will still disconnect the line of communication if he or she thinks that you will disapprove of decisions you wouldn’t have made yourself. Make sure that you’re listening to the reasons why your child has chosen a different religious path, and ask as many questions as you need to-except for questions like “How could you do this to us?”, “What are you thinking?”, or “Do you really think that’s going to work?” Even if you think your son or daughter’s new religion choice is a little far-fetched, try to be understanding. And, if you feel that the religion change definitely wasn’t a well thought out decision, be sure to convey this in a loving way. This religion change (or giving up the faith) may just be a part of your son or daughter’s spiritual growth or healing process. But, whether or not they choose to participate in the family’s religion again, they’re always going to need your love and support-even when they’re doing something you wouldn’t necessarily do. Let your son or daughter know that you still believe he or she is a good person, and be sure to point out all the great qualities your child possesses. Let them know that you trust their judgment, and that you know they will make the right decision concerning their faith.
Now is not the time to place blame.
Many parents tend to blame themselves when their children no longer want to continue in the religion they were raised in. While it’s important to acknowledge all the reasons why you’re son or daughter may no longer be interested in the family’s religion, blaming yourself will not make the situation better, but taking responsibility will. If you feel guilty, you’re just going to convey that to your child, making them feel guilty for ‘disappointing the family.’ Be honest with yourself; even if the family is a certain religion, do you practice that religion as often as you should, or do you only become ‘religious’ in times of need or sadness in the family? Was the religion part of your everyday life? Did your religion really govern your actions, and did you teach your children to use their faith as a means of figuring out what life is really all about? If not, your children may not take the faith as seriously as you do. So, you may blame yourself for not being as active in your religion as you should have been.
Or, you may discover that your family has been rather active in the religion-and be even more disappointed that your child has chosen another faith. Again, your son or daughter may be walking away from the faith in search of spiritual truth that may not have been extremely evident at home. Don’t take this as a personal insult; your child is not trying to hurt you, they’re trying to help themselves. Ask your son or daughter if anything in their childhood prompted the decision to change religions, or if they’re simply experimenting. Sometimes, finding out about other people’s religious practices can make you more secure in your own. If your child has been through a challenging or traumatic event, changing religions may be their way of healing, since they may feel the religion they are currently practicing ‘isn’t working.’ Be aware of all of this when your son or daughter is discussing their religion change with you. You may find yourself challenging your own beliefs to make sure that you’ve made the right religious choice.
Many times, children ask the questions that adults are afraid to, and if you’ve practicing your religion out of family obligation and expect your child to do the same, you may want to reevaluate your belief system. This doesn’t mean you should change religions, too, but figuring out all the reasons why you belong to a certain religious organization may help you to see why your child no longer wants to participate in the religion.
Be actively supportive.
Remember, you’re supporting your son or daughter, not necessarily their choice. You may feel as though your child wants you to applaud every decision they make, but chances are your son or daughter knew ahead of time that you wouldn’t be happy with their announcement to change religions. What your child is looking for is support from you as a parent; they need to know that you’re not disowning them just because of a religion choice.
In order to actively support your son or daughter, read as many books and articles on your child’s new religion as possible. This will help you to learn the positive things about the religion, and will enable you to understand some of your son or daughter’s reasons for the switch. If you run across something questionable or negative about the religion, it’s all right to bring this to your child’s attention, but be sure to do it in a loving way. Your main objective is to make sure that your son or daughter is making the best decisions, and choices, especially when it comes to religion, should be well thought out. If there are religious meetings at a church or other place of worship that your child has been attending or would like to attend, ask if you can come along. It’s one thing to read about a religion on paper, but quite another to meet the people who practice the religion.
Once your son or daughter sees that while you may not agree with their religion change, but you’re open-minded and want them to be happy, he or she will feel much more comfortable talking to you about their spiritual life, and will even ask you for help or advice. This is the time to put the love that many religions teach into practice; your child will see how strong your faith is by the way you react to this new change in the family. Remember, the bond between family are stronger than any religious ties, and your faith should be a tool for keeping your family together-no matter what it takes.
