ABC’s Dancing with the Stars 3: A Cast Analysis for Dummies
This year’s cast is not much different than the two that preceded it; ABC is certainly following a proven formula. There’s the usual blend of middle of the road, aging actors and actresses; C and D list types for the most part. A couple of “Wow, that guy is going to make a fool out of himself, why is he even on this show” choices (Springer, Carlson). And, of course, the random Hall of Fame NFL player: This year we have Emmitt Smith. What I’m going to do is this: introduce you to this year’s cast, tell you who I like, offer up some odds (courtesy of a prominent gambling site) and basically tell you my personal feelings toward these people for no good reason whatsoever. Enjoy.
Tucker Carlson – News Anchor (18-1)
Ya’ll know Tucker Carlson from either his old days as co-host of CNN’s Crossfire or his current gig, an O’Reilly Factor rip-off, talking head show called The Situation. (On a side note, did you notice how popular these shows became after 9/11? Once the dust settled and everyone realized that all they wanted to do was argue about politics, these shows became the proverbial rage. But O’Reilly was the first, and as much as I dislike him, that should be pointed out.) Basically, Carlson is best known as the guy who looks like he’s 12 and wears a bowtie. He has no shot.
Monique Coleman – Actress (11-2)
Out of the 11 contestants on this show, I have to admit that I had never heard of three of them, and I was only vaguely familiar with 2 others. (On another side note, who came up with the number 11? What a strange number.) Monique Coleman was a “never heard of”. However, as a journalist, I did some research (as much as this pained me). MC was involved with the Disney smash hit “High School Musical”. What the hell was that anyway? I’ve heard so much about it but I don’t even get what IT is. Is it a movie? A musical? A movie about a musical? A movie-musical? Shit, is it a TV show? I have no idea. She’s young and black though, so she can probably dance. And hell, those odds just scream at you.
Sara Evans – Singer (8-1)
This one was another “Who?” I’m glad ABC’s website (abc.com/primetime/dancing) had a synopsis of each dancer because a lot of them were relative no names (in my world at least). With that said, Evans is a country singer and her last name isn’t Twain. No chance.
Willa Ford – Singer (8-1)
Willa Ford falls under the unfortunate “vaguely familiar with” category. And the more I think about her, I think that’s being generous. In fact, I think I totally got her confused with Lita Ford- who was an 80’s rocker chick. If Lita Ford were on the show it would be a lot cooler, but let’s see what they got in Willa. She’s a pop singer apparently; ABC describes her as the “self professed ‘bad girl of pop.'” Shit, that’s scary. Not. (On the third side note of this column, were “Not” jokes ever cool or were they always so stupid that they were semi funny in “that’s so lame it’s almost humorous” kind of way?)
Vivica A. Fox – Actress (9-2)
Ah, A. Fox, perhaps the most famous of all the contestants. It makes you wonder though, what the hell happened to her career? She was all set to be a Halle Berry-like megastar after Independence Day and Booty Call and, aside from a short-lived revival in Kill Bill; she’s become the poor man’s Angela Bassett almost overnight. She’s one of the heavy favorites here, but I doubt that’s any consolation for an A-list film career. She’s also smoking hot which never hurts.
Harry Hamlin – Actor (6-1)
Double H is also in that “vague” category. “Why do I know that name,” I thought. So I IMDB’d him and found out that he’s just got one of those names, those “vaguely familiar” sounding names. Harry HamlinâÂ?¦ it has a presidential tone to it. Oh well, maybe Netflix has a copy of 1999’s made for TV movie “Quarantine” so I can see him in action. Actually, I hope that they don’t.
Joey Lawrence – Actor (6-1)
Whoaaaaaa, it’s Joey Lawrence. The former star of TV’s Blossum and failed pop singer returns after what seems like decades to try his hand at awkward ballroom dancing. This is not breaking news in and of itself, but check out what Lawrence looks like these days (http://abc.go.com/primetime/dancing/bios/3/joey_lawrence.html). I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that he’s fucking bald.
Mario Lopez – Actor (5-2)
I love it when my personal tastes agree with Vegas. Mario Lopez is by far the best and most famous contestant in my book because he was on one of the best and most famous shows of all timeâÂ?¦ Saved by the Bell. I’m not going to get into a discourse about the social merits of Bell (it’s been done to death); let’s just say that I was a teenager when it was on and that I genuinely enjoyed it (and that subsequent TBS viewings stir up a delightful nostalgia and humor cocktail). Lopez is the favorite with only a few horses on his tail (Coleman, Lawrence and Hamlin) and, not to be totally predictable, he is also my favorite to win in (in other words: I forgive him for The Other Half). He’s the only Latin contestant and Latin people have the most rhythm (See Shakira).
Shanna Moakler – Beauty Queen/Actress (15-1)
Huh? I guess I don’t follow the beauty queen circuit as much as I used to. (Fourth side note: there was a short time in 1994 when I was obsessed with pageants. This is also the time when I discovered something else, something about my body.) Yeah, I had no idea who Shanna Moakler was. Maybe the name sounded like I had heard it mentioned on a television set in the middle of a crowded room with water in my ears, but it wasn’t even worth throwing in that “vague” category. (On yet another side note, I just Googled her name and found out that she was the star of MTV’s Meet the Barker; she was Blink 182’s drummer’s wife! Now, this is not breaking news, but if you read my article MTV’s Wedding Curse [and I doubt that you have], you’d realize how funny this is. Go read that article now.] At first, I thought 15-1 were pretty good betting odds for a beauty queen, but when I realized who this Shanna character was I figured it out. She’s clumsy as hell; stay away from this bet.
Emmitt Smith – Football player (15-1)
Jerry Rice, last year’s NFL all-time great turned Dancing with the Stars underdog, actually went pretty far. These guys are awesome athletes; people shouldn’t be surprised that they figure out dancing so quickly. It does make me think, though: why the hell are they doing it? It’s not like these guys were just good NFL players or even great ones, they’re future Hall of Fame legends, perhaps the best at their prospective positions, ever. It’s not like Jim McMahon signed on to do this. However, if Jim McMahon did sign on, that would be a must watch event. Can somebody get on this?
Jerry Springer – Talk Show Host (30-1)
And last but not least we have Jerry, the huge (repeat, huge) underdog. The Jerry Springer Show is so far removed from the pop culture radar; it’s not surprising that he’s doing this, he probably needs the money. I don’t even know if The Jerry Springer Show is still on; I kind of hope that it is. Oh well, odds this bad don’t lie, Jerry has no shot. To keep in the “I’m stereotyping everyone” spirit, let me end with this (call it my Final Thought if you like): As much as saying Monique Coleman has a shot because she’s black and Mario Lopez is going to win because he’s Latin might seem like bigotry, Jerry Springer is NOT going to win because he’s white and old, and those are just facts.
