Advice for Men Who Keep Striking Out
First, give up the idea that it’s her. It’s not her. It’s you. Until and unless you find out different, assume it’s you. You’re not a loser (are you?) – of course not, but maybe you could use a bit of polishing up.
Think about the last date you went on, the last lady who slipped out of your palm before you got a chance to close your fingers. And ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you setting your expectations too high?
Sure, every man wants Miss America (this year’s). It doesn’t seem to matter what he himself looks like; he can have a head the size of a baseball, a beer gut that gets through the door an hour before he does, and a scruffy, bald head with bits of last Saturday’s lunch stuck to it; he may smell like used motor oil and have so much dirt under his fingernails he’s been accused of painting them black, but he still wants – and somehow, believes he deserves – a gorgeous young chick who will look at him like Scarlett looked at Rhett. Chance of that happening? Zero to none.
But say you’ve met this lovely old/young lady and she’s graciously agreed to have coffee with you. There are pretty women and there are gorgeous women, but even if she actually is the latest Miss America, don’t talk about her beauty. Don’t tell her she’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen (you’ve seen lots of pretty women, right?) Find something else about her to admire: her profile, her clothes, her talent, her family, etc.
If you’re Colin Farrell, you need read no further, but as for the rest of you, keep your expectations down where you can control them. Don’t turn off a nice woman because she’s “average” looking – chances are you’re in that class yourself. Like the song says, “Look at that girl sitting next to you, she’s just waiting for something to do.” These girls are everywhere; you just haven’t seen them because you’ve got Jennifer Lopez pasted to the insides of your eyeballs, blocking your sight and all sense and sensibility. Choose the girl who smiles at you, and let her know you’re prepared to devote the rest of your life to making sure she’s as happy as humanly possible, and you can’t lose.
2. Are you offending her right off the launch pad?
The various ways you can offend a woman are legion, but here are some really egregious errors:
“That your car? The ‘Vette? Oh – nothing wrong with it, just doesn’t…uh, fit the image, somehow.”
“Chivalry is dead – open your own door.”
“Your little sister is really, really cute.”
“Oh, that was my ex-girlfriend. Sorry I was on so long, but I’ve always enjoyed talking to her.”
“I’d sure like to see what’s under that skirt.”
“Have you any money? I seem to have left all my cash at home.”
3. Is it mostly about YOU?
On a first date, some men seem determined to display their intelligence by reciting what amounts to a three-hour lecture on the history of some baseball team, or the best way to change out a transmission, or their pitiful lack of success with girls, as though they hope we will feel sorry for them and give them what they need. They may act out of nervousness, or perhaps they really do know a lot about cars and think we’ll be fascinated. If all the women who spent a first date with someone listening to him talk about himself gathered themselves in San Francisco, the Mississippi River would flow into the Pacific Ocean.
Keep your interest fixed on your date. You can talk, certainly, but don’t lecture, brag, gossip or swear. There are at least 1,000,000 innocuous subjects you can talk about; more than enough for a first date.
4. Are you really listening? And following up?
When you are with a woman, listen to what she says like you’re interested in it. If you’re not interested in the subject or in her, or if she’s one of those awful women who just can’t shut up, stand up and ask her if you can take her home.
If you ARE interested in her, then you’re interested in what she has to say. (“What was it, now…?”) If you find yourself in this situation, ask for a recap. Try to make some connection – you must have something in common – you’re both human, aren’t you?
If she introduces a subject, follow up. Ask questions until the topic has been at least partially explored before moving on. She’ll be drawn to you by this.
5. Are you heeding the advice of your buddies, or worse, some stranger who never heard of you?
Never take romantic advice from your buddies. They may be sterling characters that you love and respect but they don’t know any more than you do why women are the way they are. Besides, too many guys sound like this:
“Contemporary society is awash in rude, self-centered, man-hating Sex and the City clones who care only about themselves and have absolutely no conscience about men’s feelings (or the feelings of other women, for that matter). Their attitude is: I have a million-dollar sexual price tag and any man is going to have to bow and scrape and pay dearly to gain access to it. These are the women who will try to emasculate you when you ask them out (if you don’t have something they can sex-ploit), who get off on making men squirm, and who flagrantly abuse their sexual power.”
I don’t know what planet that guy is from, but he obviously has a poor attitude about women, or is simply catering to those who do. I have never met a woman who fits that description; although I can’t deny there may be some, I suspect this honking diatribe arises from #1 above – Expectations too high.
6. Is your grooming – well…less than it should be?
No one outside of an institution should need advice about this, but there are a few whose thought processes most resemble what takes place inside a cement mixer. Before you set out on your first, or blind, date, make sure you’ve showered, shaved, used deodorant and combed your hair. Eschew the face perfume, it’s too easy to use waaaaay too much. Wear clean clothes that fit, and give your shoes a brush.
7. Are you frugal, or a cheapskate?
If you are, you can no more hide this than you can wear your eyebrows upside down. My first husband would drive six miles out of his way to read his mother’s newspaper so he didn’t have to buy one. The first time we went out to eat with friends, he got up and went to the restroom when he saw the check coming. Everybody else saw, too. I told him if he ever did that again, I’d divorce him.
If you don’t have any money, stay home until you do, or take your date somewhere free or inexpensive where you can have fun and get to know each other. The beach is great. Women are broke too, so they understand and appreciate this.
8. Do you secretly hate women but thought she wouldn’t notice?
Any other secrets? Are you a sexual deviant? Actually married? Don’t say, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Women know that’s BS, besides, it’s older than dirt. Your wife probably understands you all too well. It’s even possible she knows where you are but just doesn’t care any more.
The first date is not the time to reveal that you’ve suffered from hemorrhoids since babyhood, or that you have a schizophrenic older brother, but if you ARE married, and you lied about it, the best thing you can do for both of you is fess up. I doubt you’ll believe this, but you’ll save yourself and everyone involved a lot of trouble and grief.
9. Can you talk about anything besides football/cars/your job as a shoe salesman/your latest bout with psoriasis/your mother?
If you can’t think of a single other thing, start reading newspapers and news magazines instead of Hustler. Pay attention to what people are talking about these days; check out what’s hot; drop the silly chit-chat and banter you indulge in with your friends and take a serious interest in something. Talk about what she’s interested in. If you’re familiar with it, you’ll be able to make a contribution. If you’re not, you’re sure to learn something. Either way, you win.
10. Do you swear a lot? Embarrass yourself in public? You’re sure to embarrass her as well.
Be careful with humor. The scatological stuff may go over with Ratso and Honker, but most women don’t like it, so leave it out. Don’t use profanity unless she does, and then, only in private. Best to leave humor behind until you know her better.
11. How much do you drink? Really?
If there’s anything more discouraging on a first date to meet a man who is already drunk, I’ve never heard of it. Try to apply some self-control: a man who slobbers, pukes and falls all over himself and her will not see that woman again, I guarantee you.
12. Are you into drugs? Is it obvious?
Not much needs to be said about this. If you need reminding, read #11 again, and substitute drugs for alcohol.
13. Have you another girlfriend you’ve neglected for this date?
This is really crass, and if your date finds out, that will probably be the end of your relationship. Try focusing your attention on your current lady, and save the rest for later.
14. Did you inherit your father’s distrust of women?
Men get their ideas about women from many sources: the media, their mother, other female relatives or friends, and simple observation. Unfortunately, many older men still cling to outmoded negative views from the 40s and 50s, and pass these ideas on to their sons: all women are whores, or gold diggers, or chronic liars; what you see is a faÃ?Â?Ã?§ade, no matter how appealing, they’re not to be trusted; they’ll lead you on and then yell “rape.” They may believe it’s okay to call out what they consider to be “compliments” to passing women – rude remarks on her anatomy or invitations to activities she’s probably not at all interested in – at least not with you. If you want to be a success with women, treat them with respect.
15. Do you have an agenda already lined out?
If your primary aim is to get in bed with this chick, try to keep it to yourself for at least the first 7-10 dates. The most successful seduction techniques include:
Respecting her.
Giving her your full attention.
Trying your best to make her happy in other ways.
Waiting for trust to be established – hers in you. If it hasn’t happened in 10 day
Making a friend of her. If you don’t have any friends, ask a friend who has a lot of friends how to be a friend..
In other words, invest yourself: time, money, attention, regard. You might be surprised at the results you get. Don’t forget, word gets around!
16. Are you moving too fast, crowding her?
Many women complain that men try to rush them, seldom giving them time to think things over. But men say, “How can I know when she’s ready to proceed further?”
Here’s a hint by a man who has given considerable thought to reading the signs women give out:
“If I’ve been talking to a girl, and I want to know if she’s ready to be kissed, I’ll reach over and touch her hair while we’re talking and make a comment about it. I’ll say “Your hair looks so soft” and just touch the tips of it.
” If she smiles and likes this, I’ll reach back over and start stroking it again, but this time I also glance down at her lips and back up to her eyes a couple of times. If she lets me keep touching her hair, I know that she’s ready to be kissed.
“By using “The Kiss Test” I’ve been kind and complimentary, but by being very SUBTLE about it, I haven’t given her anything she can object to. I now have a way of knowing if she’s ready to be kissed that NEVER gets me rejected-and I know within 5 minutes what it used to take me hours or days to figure out…”
If you are still in doubt, ask her.
17. Don’t even THINK of forcing her.
If you do, you are sure to get in the kind of trouble that Saddam Hussein is in NOW. They’re prosecuting guys for rape now, and sending them to prison for more years than you’ve been potty-trained. Don’t forget DNA – if you leave anything, they’ll get you.
18. Do you have any idea what women want in a man?
Take a survey! What a great way to meet women – ask them for their particular qualifications. Most women will respond positively, and you will learn a lot. Ask every woman you date, ask your mother, sister, aunt, grandmother. They all have valuable information for you. After you’ve asked 50 women, look for the qualities most frequently mentioned.
19. Are you too old?
Too old for what, you might ask. Too old for the girls you want to date! This, too, goes right along with “expectations,” above. If you are 55 and trying to date twenties girls, you must expect a high rate of failure. And it increases exponentially every year. Not every woman needs another father, and these days, many women have taken self-defense training and do not need you to protect them. Your values are sure to conflict with theirs, and if you plan to use this girl as an arm ornament, she is sure to know, and unless she’s a complete feather head, she’ll know. Many women these days hold executive (high paying) jobs, and may find it difficult to play “Helpless Heather on weekends.”
I once dated (extremely briefly) a man who bragged that he specialized in progressively dating younger and younger women. He was 52; his last girlfriend was 24, the one before that 29, before that 32, etc., etc. I couldn’t believe it – he was SOOOO proud of himself, as though he’d accomplished something akin to discovering the cure for cancer.
The sad cruel fact is that younger men are, generally speaking, better in bed. About the time men’s testosterone levels are plunging, women are getting charged with higher levels. They are becoming more interested in sex, and in pleasing men. But they want younger, vigorous men, not some senior citizen dependent on Viagra. Younger men know this and are getting all the excellent loving you are missing. Instead of slavering over the twenty-year-olds, try a woman several years older than yourself.
20. Are you the type that knows everything already?
This is such a big turnoff (for men and women both!) that the average woman confronted with this is likely to get up and leave immediately (she has, of course, brought her own car). Anyone who has lived 40-50 years on this earth has picked up quite a bit of knowledge, but that doesn’t excuse releasing it all at once on an innocent companion. This is known as “talking at.” Trade facts intermittently, keep your speech short and non-patronizing and avoid pronouncements like: “That’s absolutely wrong. I happen to know…”
And when stating facts, it’s much less wounding to preface them by, “I recently read…” or “I believe that…” and then ask her what she thinks.
If you can put these 20 hints into practice, I guarantee you will be satisfied (and gratified) with the results!
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