Advice on Coming Out to Your Parents

For many in the GBLT community, coming out to our parents and family is one of the most challenging things we’ll ever do. Let’s face it, no matter how great our relationship with our parents, and no matter how old we are, coming out is at least a little scary and maybe even a lot. Having just gone through the ordeal of coming out to my parents (much later than I should have, truth be told), here’s some advice that I hope will make coming out to your parents easier for you.

1. Understand why you’ve decided to come out. Is it a matter of personal integrity? Is it a desire to introduce them to a boyfriend or girlfriend? Is it to shock? To make sure they still love you? Or are you simply sick of having secrets? Make sure you know your motives, as it will enable you to understand and respond appropriately to the reaction you want, the reaction you expect and the reaction you ultimately get.
3. If you’ve decided this is absolutely, positively the time for coming out to your parents, but you’re scared you won’t go through with it, tell someone close to you who already knows about your sexuality that this is in the works. The support, encouragement and peer pressure will help you make it happen.
5. Realize that there’s never a perfect time for coming out to your parents. Between holidays, birthdays and the stresses of every day life, it would be easy to rule out every day on the calendar as not the right day to share the news. Plan appropriately (because really, your mom may be thrilled your gay, but may well prefer flowers for her birthday), but accept that if you’re looking for the ideal moment, it’s probably never going to come.
7. Give your family the benefit of the doubt. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably thought up dozens of possible responses they might have or questions they might ask. If you try to address these all in your initial communication on the subject, it will only put them on the defensive. Just tell them who you are, and that you’re open to discussing any questions that they have. They might surprise you.
9. No one knows your family better than you, which is part of why this is so scary – at the end of the day, you’re on your own. Trust your instincts. Many would say doing it in person is best, but if you get easily tongue tied, a letter might be a better choice for you. If you do send a letter though, never forget the vagueries of the postal service, or the fact that you could be living in nervous suspense for days.
11. If you’re curently in a relationship, let your sweetie know that this is in the works, and discuss it with them. No matter how much you don’t want it to effect them or the two of you, it probably will, and this is not a time for added stress.
13. Familes aren’t very good at keeping secrets. So no matter how much you may want to tell your dad and not your mom or talk it over with another gay relative first, realize that this strategy may mean someone else does your coming out for you. And while that may seem like a good idea in theory, it probably isn’t.
15. Coming out is not a single conversation. If the initial reaction is bad, try to keep lines of communication open. These things can change in time. Similarly, parents are often totally comfortable with the idea of having a gay kid, but get a little jumpy the first time they meet a boyfriend of girlfriend. As long as the dialogue can be kept civil, keep it going. Otherwise, sometimes a time out in communication is best. With families the truest constant is that there is a desire for love and understanding. It’s not always instant, but it will come in most cases.

As you go through this process, don’t forget that it’s difficult, unique and oddly private. You’re entitled to be scared or excited, and to feel brave, proud or like the cowardly lion (or a bit of all three). For me, it seemed like a very big deal over nothing until it happened, and now I understand that it was a critical moment of personal integrity, that’s really changed how I view myself.

Good luck!