African Americans and Interracial or Inter-ethnic Dating

Are you an African American who is involved in a romantic relationship with someone from a different race or ethnicity? What do the terms race and ethnicity mean these days? The concept of race is one with which we are all familiar: It is a way of distinguishing one population of human beings from another, and is commonly based on observable physical traits such as skin color and facial features. Widely used racial categories in the United States usually include African American or Black, Caucasian or White, Asian or Oriental and Native American or American Indian. ( “Hispanic” is another category that pops up; some people may regard this as an ethnic category, while others regard it as a racial category.) Are you an African American who is involved with someone from a different race? If so, you might be dating someone who is White, Asian or Native American. Are you a African American who is dating someone from within your race, but is from a different ethnicity? An example of two people with a shared race but a different ethnicity would be a Black person who was raised in Kenya, Africa, and an African American who was raised in a the United States.

The whole idea of racial categories is controversial, and the newest genomic research indicates that we are, in fact, all descended from the same ancestors (making the whole of humanity effectively just a bunch of distant cousins). So, no matter what your opinion is regarding the concept of race, the fact remains that we come from a social and cultural history that has focused on differences between groups of people. And, while we may be maturing as a human culture toward a perspective that focuses more on our similarities, the fact remains that while change is a constant, it is often slow and difficult. Because of this, African Americans who choose to be in a relationship with someone “different” need to be aware of the particular challenges the relationship will face.

While the differences between you as individuals involved in a couples relationship may be endearing, even exciting (remember the phrase “opposites attract”?), they may also become a source of problems in the relationship. That’s where adequate preparation comes in! When undertaking a successful interracial or inter-ethnic relationship (a better term might be a “relationship of diversities”) it is more likely to be a successful undertaking if both parties are equipped with the unique tools this type of endeavor requires.

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself before the relationship becomes serious.

1) What might your family’s reaction be if you decide to become seriously involved with someone whose race or ethnicity is different from your own?

2) If they are not happy with your choice to date someone who is not African American, what kind of effect will this have on you?

3) How intense is their reaction likely to be (what’s the worst thing that you could imagine happening) and could you live with it?

For most of us, our families continue to have quite a bit of involvement in our lives, even after we grow up and move out of their home and set up homes of our own. Think about all the occasions you get together with your family: birthdays, holidays, Sunday dinners, etc. This is not to suggest that a hostile reaction on the part of your family is necessarily a good reason to give up on a relationship, but you need to think this through in advance, prepare for it, and more importantly discuss it with your partner, making sure to take his/her feelings about these issues into account. What might be an acceptable situation to you may not be acceptable to your partner. And as your partner, they are entitled to have some input into the situation.

When considering becoming a serious and permanent couple, it is a good idea to discuss the possibility of bringing children into the world. Family expectations about child-rearing and social identity issues encountered by “mixed-race” children are two more important topics for consideration when discussing engaging a relationship of diversities. If children are one intended aspect of the deepening of your bond, then due consideration needs to be given to how you as parents will proactively deal with the various pressures your kids will experience from your respective families, and (to a lesser extent) from the larger community. Use the questions above to start the discussion, but reframe them to substitute the concept of having a child together for the concept of having a relationship together; be sure to discuss outcomes for you as a couple and as parents, as well as for the child.

4) What might your friends’ reactions be if you decide to become involved in a relationship of diversities?

5) Do you know anyone who is involved in a relationship of diversities, and can you talk to them about their experience?

6) Can you count on your friends for nonjudgmental support, no matter what choices you make in a relationship partner?

Having friends who are also involved in relationships of diversities can be an enormous asset. Not only do you have someone who understands what you may be experiencing, but you have someone who might be able to offer you valuable insights and advice. If your friends are all involved with partners from backgrounds similar to their own and you can still count on their support and acceptance you will be miles ahead, especially if your family is not thrilled with your new relationship. Oftentimes in adulthood, our friends become a source of support equal to or even greater than the families in which we were raised. In circumstances where you might find yourself at odds with your family, the support of friends becomes a needed commodity.

7) What does becoming seriously involved with someone in a relationship of diversities actually mean?

8) Are there hard and fast expectations within your family or faith community about your selection of a partner?

9) Have you and your partner discussed what these expectations are, and how you might deal with them?

In many cultures, one does not marry just a person, but rather their entire family, often their entire extended family! The expectations for certain roles and behaviors then extend to the person marrying into the family. These expectations may involve everything from how women are supposed to talk, act and dress to how men are expected to behave around their children.

They might include such things as the expectation that the couple will take in and care for the husband’s aging parents in their later years or that a husband is supposed to put his family of origin behind his wife’s, preferring to spend holidays and other significant times with her parents rather than his. There can be literally hundreds of little things that come up, and each will be regarded as a “given” by one or the other partner and/or their family.

Other issues may involve perspectives that exist in the larger community, such as the point of view that one is “abandoning” or “betraying” one’s race by engaging in a relationship with someone who is “outside your race.” And while this perspective is not as widely held as it once was, it still exists and can be pervasive, even to the point of blatant and open hostility directed toward both the perceived “betrayer” and the “outsider.” How would you react if you, as a couple in a relationship of diversities, were publicly accosted in this manner in either of your respective families or communities?

Whether it is in the arena of family, friends or community, it is best to discuss all of this as soon as possible, thus saving a lot of anger and hurt feelings later on. So, go ahead and experience the joy of being involved with someone who comes from a race or ethnicity that is different from your own. There is so much to learn and appreciate, and there is much that will enrich your own life as well as your lives together as a couple. With a little intelligent preparedness, you can “see what’s coming before you round the bend” and this will allow you to better enjoy the journey your relationship will be!

Likewise, by discussing “the trip” before you take it, you may discover that the destination is simply not somewhere you both want to go, and this is OK, too. Better to figure this out before it’s so difficult and complicated to find your way back that feelings are hurt and damage that could have been avoided is incurred. Being involved in a relationship of diversities can be the most joyous of experiences if only you take the time in the beginning to understand what challenges you might face along the way.