Aging and Your BDSM Relationship: Growing Old and Enjoying Your Kinks

In a way, Aging BDSM relationships are no different at all from any human relationships. In fact, the mere fact that your BDSM relationship IS aging is such a positive thing! It means your are aging with a chosen lover. The thing that IS different is that in BDSM Relationships, our sexual play often includes implements which can, if incorrectly or badly used, injure one or both parties. As we age along with our partners in a BDSM Relationship, each of us may have to deal with a disability, or, as I prefer to call them, different abilities. That rock music you loved to crank up high enough to vibrate windows may damage hearing. Eyesight may diminish, or cease. Strokes, medications and a myriad of other common conditions of aging can pop into your relationship. So, what are some things you can do in your BDSM relationship to minimize their effect? Diminishing physical status in an aging BDSM Relationship can be handled to enhance your long term BDSM Relationship. How can you stay happily kinky as you age?

– Hearing Loss-

When your partner is tied to a St. Andrews cross, facing away from you, waiting expectantly for the caress of the flogger is NOT the time to pretend you can hear just fine, and possibly miss her cues and signals that all is not well. Communicate! Talk with her before the scene begins, to set up hand signals or other methods of letting you know that she wants to end the session, or that she needs to run to the Little Submissive’s Room. For some people, a crowded and noisy club, where quite often loud music and other kinky players make for difficult conversation anyway, is the perfect place to practice non-verbal communication. One trick that works for me is that I hold a small cat toy in my hand. If I wish to stop the scene for any reason, or just to get my Top’s attention to ask for something different, I simply toss the brightly -colored, lightweight ball over my shoulder – at his head! Not really, that would be a bit much, but dropping the brightly colored ball does the trick.

– Eyesight Issues-

Aging lovers often experience diminished eyesight, and this could be a significant challenge during a BDSM play scene, but there are many possible aids to consider using, although, again, communication is key. You probably would rather not have a Dominant flicking a singletail whip at your very tender and naked back, if he can’t see his nose in front of his face, but there are other play techniques that can be just as exciting, and much safer! A suggestion is to set up the scene very carefully and to do only BDSM play that is more body-to-body contact, such as over the knee (OTK) spanking with his hand or an implement such as a paddle with a short, manageable handle. This precludes the danger of a whip or other implement striking an area that could cause the bottom (receiver) injury or damage. Aging in a BDSM Relationship can help you be creative about working out the ‘kinks’ – be creative with your partner.

– Joint Pain, Muscles and Flexibility Issues-

Ok, so everyone knows that submissives spend their entire life on their knees, right? I mean, heck, all the books say that! Well, those are fiction! Yep, fiction. All submissives don’t spend their lives chained to the foot of the bed naked either, but let’s try not to wreck the fantasy, ok? The truth is, many of us are happily aging in our BDSM relationships, with our aging partners, and as happily aging women (or men, I don’t want to leave the male submissives out in the cold!) we have aches and pains, and, most of us can’t bend in those low scraping bows, with even a modicum of grace anymore. Oh, well. We adapt. Strategically placed pillows are wonderful for achy knees. Changing position often helps keep muscles from freezing into painful, uncomfortable, rock-hard blobs. One of the most wonderful things about being with a partner for a long time, and knowing each other, is communication skills are often developed along the way. Tell your partner, “Uh, this is so not working for me!” and work together to find what DOES work. Instead of a St. Andrew’s cross, position yourself across a nice, plush, upholstered chair. Rather than cleaning the bathroom floor on your hands and knees with his toothbrush (oops, did I say that?), use a long handled mop! That is why mops were invented!

– Menopause-

Thank heaven for lubricants. Not all women will need additional lubricants after menopause, and you can do some easy things to alleviate vaginal dryness even without lubricants. Stay well hydrated. Take your time arousing and exciting your aging and oh, so sexy BDSM partner. Take MORE than your time, take the time to make her feel loved and appreciated, sexy and sultry. And, for heaven’s sake, there is no shame in needing bottled lubricant. You can even make lube application erotic, if you relax and enjoy each other!

-Erectile Dysfunction-

Medications are one cause of erectile dysfunction, but normally aging bodies change response as well. Again, taking the time to arouse and excite your male partner is great, and sometimes, it isn’t enough. But it IS enough. Men can feel aroused and excited and sexually stimulated without an erection. And, isn’t that why there are adult toy stores? You can buy a fleshtone vibrator or dildo (whatever the heck fleshtone is, I mean really, WHO’S flesh is really that awful color?) for a few bucks at just about any adult store. Make it fun. Men are not their penis. They have hearts and minds (and fingers, tongues, toes, elbows, etc.) Your aging partner can use their intimate and longterm knowledge to please you and tease you in delicious ways well into the autumn of your BDSM Relationship.

Medical conditions and disabilities can certainly interfere in your preferred BDSM relationship style, and often simply aging creates its very own challenges in a BDSM relationship. I believe that the best way to deal with changes is to face them head on, together. Being able to adapt is a great source of comfort for everyone, and can actually lead you into whole new worlds of fun and adventure. BDSM Relationships and Aging don’t have to be incompatible. Everybody ages, just be sure you choose to live until you die, and celebrate your aging BDSM relationship, for life.

When Robert Browning wrote, “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be”, he knew what he was talking about!