Agreeing to Disagree: Are Arguments Really Good for a Relationship?

My wife and I had an argument recently. However, we prefer to call these marital spats “disagreements” because that seems to take the edge off of whatever it is we butted heads over. In fact, the next morning, I found myself trying to remember what it was we disagreed about. I’m no psychologist, but I’d wager to say that whatever we argued about in the first place just wasn’t that important.

Not every couple is so fortunate. After 20 years of marriage, my wife and I argue more about silly things – like leaving milk out – then we do serious things, like having an affair with the gardener or secretary. Fortunately we’ve never done either. Many a psychologist recommends that a couple should create ground rules to follow when they have an argument: for example, no eye-gouging, no pushing or shoving. Seems a bit like professional wrestling to me. But the principle is valid enough. I think the only thing a psychologist will stress is that an argument should have no preconceived winner. If that were to happen, the scenario really would be like professional wrestling.

A good friend of ours is having some serious problems with his spouse. Or she with him, depending on one’s point of view. They love each other enough to have initiated marriage counseling. They found some counseling service in the Yellow Pages of all places, because they didn’t want to risk meeting a psychologist who knew them.

The psychologist – confided my firend – did an interesting thing: he had the husband and his wife sit back to back, facing away from each other. Each then had an opportunity to vent about what it was he or she found wrong with the other. A brilliant strategy if I do say so myself. By not facing each other, the psychologist created a less intimidating atmosphere. I’m not privy to what this couple said. But whatever it was, it was good enough to break the ice between husband and wife. Perhaps opening up lines of communication that had been closed for years. Bravo to the psychologist for thinking of this.

Seems like our friend’s marriage is back on track. Of course now they argue about how much this marriage counseling is costing them. And I notice that they never seem to look at each other when they talk. I don’t know if you can pin a price on a counseling service, especially if it saves your marriage. But i don’t know if eliminating the need to look at your spouse is a step in the right direction.

My daughter – who has aspirations of being a forensic scientist – is taking a psychology class in school. And as a result, she has become our resident psychologist at home. Not only is this a lot cheaper on my wallet, but my wife and I benefit from seeing our arguments viewed through the eyes of an 11 year old. My child’s logic never fails. Her answer to most arguments is, “kiss and make up.” You can’t get better marriage counseling than that at any price. Plus I get to kiss my wife.

Maybe my wife and I are just too busy doing other things to have any quality time left over for a really good argument. Or maybe we’re just getting too old to worry about it. According to some psychologists, arguing apparently is good for a relationship. I don’t know if I agree with that. I think if a couple needs to argue in order to establish dominance in their relationship they shouldn’t be together in the first place. But hey, what do I know. I’m not a psychologist. Now who left the milk out again…