All I Want for Christmas!
She spent most of her pregnancy in a home for unwed mothers as her father would not, as he said, allow a bastard child in his house.
She was uneducated and unable to provide even the basic needs for her newborn child.
She did what she thought would be best for him. She placed him lovingly for adoption within hours after his birth.
She wished for him the best; a loving, nurturing, stable family and a home to call his own.
Instead he spent the first year of life in a hospital nursery and also the nursery of the same home for unwed mothers his mother had spent her pregnancy.
Despite being a white, blond, hazel eye, healthy baby, no one came forward to adopt him…he was NOBODY’S Child!
Those first days in a nursery turned out to be eighteen years of being moved from one foster home to another or institution; fourteen moves by age eleven.
During those years he would attend many schools, never having long time friends. He at a time would find his bed on a back porch and be forced to steal food from other children at school to dampen his hunger pains from being fed only one meal a day. He would face the horror of sexual abuse at the tender age of eleven.
Each Christmas, as he heard the carol, “All I want for Christmas” he would change a few of the words so his birth mother’s wish for him would become a reality. All I want for Christmas is a Mom and Dad to call my own! He wished that this would be the Christmas a family would adopt him and call him son!
His wish never became a reality. Christmas, the most joyous time of the year for children, became a time of anguish and pain for this boy. The tears would flow for yet another unfulfilled Christmas wish. The pain continues even now.
He aged out of the system at eighteen, thrust out into the world alone whether he was ready or not.
Somehow, with the help of a few mentors, hope and a deep inner faith this now young man was able to overcome the turmoil of his childhood. He received a college education and began a professional career.
At age of thirty-one he suffered a massive heart attack. He could not answer the doctor’s question of; “What’s your family medical history?” He was embarrassed and ashamed for as far as he knew…he still had no family to call his own.
He began a search for the person who he thought would be able to provide some answers…the mother who lovingly relinquished him years earlier.
The search took four long years. It was a painful, trying and at times a frustrating journey as he met numerous obstacles along the way.
He remembers vividly the message left on his answering machine on April 17, 1986, “This is your mother!” They would actually speak to each other a few hours later…a phone call that would last for hours. His spine still tingles and eyes tear up as he remembers that day now nineteen years later.
He met his birth mother not many months later. It unfortunately was just the beginning to what turned out to be a very strained relationship at best.
They never developed a mother/son relationship; even saying they became friends would be stretching it.
This relationship, as it was, ended tragically a mere twelve years later. Painfully it happened on Christmas Day 1998, the first and only Christmas he would ever spend with any immediate family. His mother, on her own accord this time, rejected her son and wished him dead of AIDS as she could not bear learning her son…her first born…was gay.
All the anguish of the unfulfilled Christmas wish of the past years came flowing back to him. He would spend that Christmas night alone in a hotel, crying himself to sleep. After all these years he realized he still did not have a family to call his own and probably never would….he was still NOBODY’S CHILD!
Despite several attempts at reconciliation by the son; mother and son were never to speak or see each other again in her lifetime. She passed away just shy of three years after turning her son away.
The son, after time, was able to forgive his mother and to thank her for not only giving him life but making the decision she did on the day of his birth. Despite how his childhood was; it had been the correct decision.
He also was able to search, find and meet his father once. His father did not wish for a relationship and his father passed away four years after he found him.
His half siblings, from both his mother and father’s side, rejected him as their brother.
What should be a joyous occasion remains a painful day as it always has been. It brings forth those memories of a childhood he cares not to remember.
He has, in recent years, found and met extended family. They have welcomed him with open and loving arms. He has even been able to share Christmas with many of them. Yet, pain, rather than joy, is his holiday season…there is a hole in his soul!
He will receive well wishes from friends, extended family and others this holiday season. However, in many ways he will still feel alone. There will never be Christmas wishes from a mother, father, brothers or sisters…and his heart breaks. His eyes still tear up when he hears, “I’ll be Home for Christmas.”
Despite those painful memories he moves forward. The hope and faith that sustained him through these many years continues to sustain him.
How do I know each detail of this person’s life? I am that son born to the unwed mother almost fifty-six years ago.
The wounds of the past have, in many cases, healed; however, there are many that just scabbed over waiting to be broken open anew…they will never heal. The one that will never completely heal; a Christmas wish never to be!
Why do I share these anguishing memories with you? It is not to obtain any sympathy for me as I survived my childhood and will survive it all and continue moving on with my life.
I share it because of the thousands of “legal orphans” stuck within our foster care system today awaiting their forever family to come forward…to call them son or daughter. They have declared eligible for adoption but no family has been found. They are in limbo and may remain so throughout their lives.
Many people have asked me over the years, “What did I want the most as a child and what do kids in foster care today want?” The answer to that question is no different today than it was for me as a child; “A family and home to call my/their own!”
Millions of children will write their wish list to Santa this year. In most cases the one wish of foster children will not be written or vocalized. They will hold it deep within their hearts as many have been too disappointed in years past.
They will awaken Christmas morning bright eyed and wishful only to have their little hearts broken yet again…there will be no family or home to call their own. They will lay their heads upon their pillows, if they are lucky enough to have even a temporary home, tears within their eyes but yet a hopeful heart that maybe, just maybe, next year!
As we begin to think of baking gingerbread houses, decorating our trees and homes, buying gifts for loved ones or sending a card to a friend; I ask you to think of the children in foster care that would love to be a part of your holiday planning.
It may be too late to make their wish come true this year in most cases, however, if you begin working on it now it could become real for next Christmas.
If you are unable, for whatever reason, to bring a child into your life as your own please do something to at least brighten their holiday season a bit.
Many will find under the tree, as I did so many times, only their semi-annual clothing allotment from foster care and if fortunate; maybe a toy or two.
Visit your local agency; bring a gift or offer to host a party; anything to make the holidays just a tad easier for them.
No, their Christmas wish won’t be fulfilled by these gestures, but it might bring a smile to their face for at least a bit.
Clothes, toys, candy etc. will last but a short time; a family and home can last forever.
Won’t you consider being a forever family to a foster child in need of one and make their Christmas wish, their everyday wish, a reality. On this Holy Night of the year let them once and for all sing, “I am Home for Christmas!”
The most precious gift you could ever give a child is the gift of yourself, your love and your caring. It will be a gift that will keep on giving Christmas after Christmas
Turn the Christmas season a time of joy for a foster child, after-all Christmas is for kids!
Peace!
