Anaconda: Hunt for the Blood Orchid Will Hurt Your Eyes
It had two places to go — to a decent sequel or into the depths of
Hollywood Hell with Catwoman and every movie shown on Cinemax past Midnight.
I’ll take the one-way ticket to Hell, please–seven of them. It has seven very forgettable characters and I only recoginzed two actors–One who only plays in Mediocre films, and the other who plays a villain in Mediocre films (Ghost Ship).
The rest seems to be people who you’d see losing at every event on Fear Factor. Which makes them the perfect candidates to be hunted by a giant Snake(s). Case in point, there was a Ricky Martin lookalike who’s “charm” just looked like over-acting on Zoloft.
Good thing the monkey had more screen-time.
No, I’m not kidding. The monkey, heretofore called “Beppo”, has more close-ups than half the cast. Beppo also has a unique ability to escape the 100-foot snakes whenever one is near. He can also climb trees, but this is unneeded, since he helps the humans build boats.
Moving along, it seems as if there a plant called the Blood orchid, which extends life, cures cancer and has the added power to make people billionaires. So naturally, for the good of humanity, this plant must be used. However, it’s located deep in the Amazon, blooms every seven years and that also happens to concide with mating season for 100-foot snakes. Naturally, this makes it a tempting proposition.
Let’s get this show on the road!
Now, here my gripe. I didn’t care about anyone in the film. I didn’t care if they were eaten, shot, stabbed, sold to farmers, beaten by fire ants, or bit by stone spiders, it never matters. The only part that got a rise out of me was when Ricky got strangled, then eaten.
Imagine waking up, showering and eating breakfast, then driving to work. Congratulations, you just recreated the Anacondas experience.
Plot- 2/10
Thinner then the first, and more importantly, not enough snakes. I saw four, total. And apparently, the company they work for could only hire a failed Special Forces agent who “did terrible things for a good cause” and now runs the same boat that stranded Gilligan and his crew. And if that brilliant plan goes over a waterfall, then he can call his always-drunk wino friend, who made a boat with coconut shells, pineapple tops and hope.
Cast-
-99999999999999999999999999999/10
Ok, this doesn’t fail hard enough. None of these actors could get a job working as an extra on a Peruvian soap opera. Take every sterotype for cannon fodder and then cross-reference them with the Real World actors and add titles like “Scientist”, “Professor” and “Assistant”…and a creative one like “Project lead”. That’s it. Now go have a beer. You worked hard.
Oh yeah, I’m convinced that because of this stellar effort, Beppo will have his own show in 3 months and he might take over as the star for XXX3 in 2008.
Effects- 1/10
I would’ve rated this, but I fell asleep. Pretty sure I didn’t miss anything.
Music- 0/10
Only music I heard was the snake slither. And drums. Lots of Drums.
Hollywood Logic- 8/10
Only in America can you see a 20 something idiot cameraman launch a flare into a gasoline-drenched giant snake, and wait until said snake falls into the similar kin and then explode. Not catch on fire, explode. And the explosion causes an earthquake but kills the Anacondas and buries the orchid. All done.
And on top of that, four people lived. That’s two many, especially when they have no skills to speak of. I secretly hoped that the raft made of plants and perfectly-shaped pipes would somehow be trampled by a T-rex that would only eat the Monkey, leaving the people to escape in a jungle cab driven by the Terminator, but no such luck.
Overall- -2.5/10
I am convinced that if an alien saw this film to determine if humanity was worth saving, the human race would be eradicated the following morning. After he followed up with Catwoman.
