Ann Coulter is a Slutty Bitch

For a long time I’ve thought about writing an Ann Coulter article but out of fear that the psychotic, vindictive bitch would see my harsh criticism and have George Bush send a Patriot Missile to my parents’ front porch, I have resisted. But after watching a downright ridiculous encounter that the waiflike albino on Chris Matthews’ MSNBC show, Hardball, I felt like I had to do something. Even if by “do” I mean write an anonymous, semi-hateful article that won’t be read by anyone.

I don’t even know why I was watching Hardball, that makes no sense in and of itself. I normally loathe that show and its loudmouth host Chris Matthews. But even Matthews seemed shocked and slightly sickened by the words that eked out of Ann Coulter’s repugnant and ornery lips. The following is an exchange between the two, transcribed verbatim:

Matthews, speaking of Iran: “So you’d bomb them into the Stone Age?”
Coulter: “Yes, we can’t have a lunatic sitting on a pile of nukes.”

The fact that WE, America, sit atop of our own pile of nukes makes that dumb bitch’s comment seem, I don’t know, silly? Are we not also lunatics then, by Ms. Coulter’s definition? I missed the fucking memo, when did we get an exemption for this? The hypocrisy of Ms. Coulter’s views and the rest of the neo-conservative lot are beyond defensible. Watching an Ann Coulter conversation transpire is a truly frustrating experience. It’s as if the interviewer is holding an apple in front of her face and telling her “Look here, Ms. Coulter, this is an apple. Why can’t you see this apple? It’s right here in front of your face, it’s clearly an apple.” And then she retorts, “This is so typical with liberals. This isn’t an apple. This is an orange. I’m a best selling author.”

Ironically, one of Coulter’s books is called “How to talk to a Liberal”, though I’ve never seen her have a normal conversation with anyone. And this is her whole M.O. She says some pro-conservative thing, stirs the pots and then waits for the “liberals” to respond to her. Inevitably, they always do; at which point Ms. Coulter tells them that a) they’re godless liberals b) mentions the titles of all her other books and c) exclaims to the world that the leftist media can just fuck off because she, Ann Coulter, is a best-selling author. Unfortunately, that last part is true. A gross number of brain dead red-staters and the all-star ignoramuses of the dwindling blue come out in droves to buy her books; Ann Coulter literature is, in fact, neo-conservative crack.

She has come to embody what is so evil and wrong about the current Republican Party. She makes absurd, sweeping and hurtful judgments about all kinds of people who have thing one in common: they’re not her people. By the end of the Hardball interview she was talking about how, because Bill Clinton’s such a raging heterosexual, he’s actually gay. She also called Al Gore a fag, but didn’t elaborate on why. I guess caring about the environment is kind of faggy.

Somewhere, Abraham Lincoln is turning over in his grave.

[READER’S NOTE: I could have gone on and on with this one, but what’s the point. No matter ho much I write, I will come across as one of two thingsâÂ?¦a harpy liberal with his head up his ass or a frustrated citizen who just hopes his head isn’t going to explode. I aspire to be the latter, only minus the exploding head part. Though, at this point, I’m not so sure that it won’t.]