Anna Benson for El Duque

When the New York Mets traded away starting pitcher Jay Seo for reliever Duaner Sanchez, most fans were in agreement that it was a great move. Sanchez is a young arm with star potential and the Mets already had a deep starting staff. But fans started to scratch their heads when they dealt Kris Benson to the Orioles for underwhelming wild man Jorge Julio. Speculations began as to the true motives of the Mets management. Many fans wondered, were they trading away Benson (a decent pitcher, a nice guy to have on the team) or his model wife Anna (a horse-throated bombshell, known more for being Anna Benson than anything else).

Anna is hot. You’ve probably seen her in Maxim or FHM or Stuff or one of those faux-porno magazines that are pushed like rock candy on that all important demographic, males 18-34. She is a voluptuous beauty with large eyes and a southern voice that sounds like it crawled out of a dirty movie from 1979; the Major League Baseball equivalent of Tiger Woods’ wife (only more vocal and with larger breasts). She also has a mouth on her, a mouth that can’t be controlled.

Anna Benson’s most infamous sound byte came a few years back when she said she would sleep with every single member of the New York Mets (bat boys included) if her husband ever cheated on her. It’s unclear whether or not she made good on this promise when the couple momentarily divorced a couple months back; but there’s no reason to believe that Kris cheated on her and they’ve since reconciled; so all seems well with the Benson family, currently of Baltimore.

But let’s get back to baseball. The Mets fans were a little pissed, and rightfully so. Not only did they lose one of the anchors to their starting rotation, they lost Anna; and I’m sure every Met fan misses Anna Benson than they do her husband Kris’ 4.62 career ERA.
Anna Benson was a lot of fun; too fun for GM Omar Minaya and owner Fred Wilpon. Though they’d never admit it, the move was more to get rid of the press hoar, side show Anna Benson than it was to get rid of the right arm of Kris.

So where did that leave Mets fans and the City of New York? They lost one of their favorite local celebrities and in return got Jorge Julio, a promising pitcher with no control. As could have been expected, the move seemed horrible when the season began. Julio stank up Shea Stadium, Benson started off 5-2 with a good ERA and Anna was looking better than ever. The Mets had screwed up again, and for what? To get rid of a distraction that was more amusing than malicious? Coupled with the fact that the Mets rotation looked liked a MASH unit, the move looked even worse. How the Mets could make good on what looked a dead end situation, seemed impossible to me.

Enter El Duque.

In an impressive trade, the Mets dealt Jorge Julio to the Arizona Diamondbacks for the former New York Yankee great Orlando Hernandez. El Duque is cool because he has a nickname that has completely transcended his actual name (he’s also a damn fine pitcher). I can’t think of another player who exemplifies this trait (greats like Magic Johnson don’t count, both names, not just your first, have to be, er, nicked).

And there you have it Mets fans. With many months and a ton of innings in between, you’ve (finally) got trade that looks like this: Anna Benson for El Duque, straight up. An amusing little sex kitten for one of the best (albeit aging) post season pitchers in the history of Major League Baseball.

I’d take that trade.