Asparagus and Sex
I learned this little nugget of information while flying back from Scotland the other day – a small blurb buried within the pages of an anonymous in-flight magazine. I mumbled to my wife who was snoozing next to me, “âÂ?¦UmâÂ?¦I think we need to start eating more asparagus, honeyâÂ?¦”
“âÂ?¦Whatever you say, dear…” was her near-incoherent reply. This was going to be easier than I thought!
The next day I went to the outdoor market and picked up several bundles of asparagus stalks. In southern Italy, asparagus grows everywhere. In Italy, asparagus is only available during the early summer months – May and June and early July. But thanks to imports and canned asparagus we can enjoy it year round. Asparagus comes in a variety of colours – green, white, purple, and multicoloured – and different sizes ranging from very thin to plump.
I vaguely recalled several of our friends who would spend Sunday’s in the country picking wild asparagus. I looked at the asparagus sitting before me. There was nothing in particular about the appearance of asparagus that I felt would bring the little-man-with-the-purple-helmet to attention any quicker than normal.
“That’ll be two euroâÂ?¦” replied the old lady at the market.
I returned home and announced to my wife that “âÂ?¦Tonight we’re eating asparagusâÂ?¦!”
And then I was off to do some research.
Asparagus – I learned – is an excellent source of folic acid and vitamins, is low in fat, calories and carbohydrates. Its laundry-list of nutrients includes potassium and vitamin A – which provide a general sense of well-being – and which ultimately stimulates the glandular and metabolic function, which in turn boosts the sex drive! Yes! And then the fine print: a lack of histamines can inhibit an orgasm. Histamine production appears to be triggered by folic acid, and asparagus has more folic acid than any other vegetable! Ba-da-BOOM! I burst back into the kitchen.
“âÂ?¦Honey, I’ve decided that we should eat asparagus at least TWICE a dayâÂ?¦it’s umâÂ?¦good for your colon..!”
That night I slipped un-noticed onto the patio and dressed it up with candle lights and soft music. It was going to be a veritable folic-acid FESTIVAL for the wife and me.
My wife pleasantly surprised. All this romance for�asparagus�?
“âÂ?¦Have another helping, Honey. You’ll thank me in the morningâÂ?¦!”
So that night we munched on asparagus stalks. Traditionally eaten with the fingers, asparagus can also be a seductive eating experience – if you’re a woman. Something about the distinctly phallic shape of the asparagus stem.
Reality slapped me in the face when I realized my 12-year old daughter had joined us for dinner.
“I don’t think you should be eating this stuff!” I barked at my daughter. “..It’s for big peopleâÂ?¦”
“âÂ?¦What your father means is that asparagus makes you poop…” remarked my wife.
“CoolâÂ?¦!” replied my daughter. “In that case, I’ll have another helping!”
I was suddenly flooded with the thought of my daughter eating asparagus and turning into an uncontrollable mountain of hormones. (Which she is becoming anyway, regardless of whether she eats asparagus).
A few hours later we had gorged on asparagus�sipped Sauvignon Blanc from France �and really enjoyed ourselves.
I coyly asked my wife, “âÂ?¦soâÂ?¦uhâÂ?¦how do you feel, honeyâÂ?¦?”
“It’s working” she replied. My heart started to pound as I had a flash of her tearing all my clothes off right there on the patio. “Yes, it’s definitely workingâÂ?¦” my wife repeated. “âÂ?¦I have to go to the bathroomâÂ?¦.”
Hmmmm. This wasn’t working exactly like I had planned.
The Viagra-like effects of asparagus apparently are a long-term thing. In the meantime, we’re eating healthier and this has spurred me on to see what other vegetables are out there that will send my wife’s libido skyrocketing to the stars.
