Au No!

It costs more than $1,000 per ounce, and the higher the price goes, the more we covet it. When we get it, it won’t be long until we need more. It’s magic stuff that, even in small doses, causes euphoria, obsession, and ultimately, ruination. No, it’s not the latest designer drug; it’s gold.

Every so often, gold captures the fancy of the American public; now is one of those times. By all accounts, gold’s universal appeal through millennia seems to stem from the fact that it is shiny. That’s it. Civilization as we know it has sprung from a glitch in our neural network that makes us prize sparkly things. It explains the infinite allure of new cars, hand guns, cans of beer, and Hershey’s KISSESÃ?®. So valued was gold’s glitter by the Ancients, they decided to use it as a medium of exchange. Up to then, livestock was the preferred currency, so running errands became a whole lot easier. Keeping one’s handy farm animals that provided a lifetime supply of nourishing meat and dairy delights and instead utilizing meaningless yet mesmerizing metal to transact commerce, turned out to be a big hit.

This widespread foolishness markedly diminished us in the eyes of superior life forms in our galaxy, vigorously proved our ineptitude, and to this day, serves as the main reason we’ll be treated very roughly by their invading forces when they eventually conquer and colonize Earth. Although gold hasn’t been used as legal tender for a very long time, it hasn’t improved our stature in the cosmos. Why? Because gold is currently being touted as an outstanding investment. Investment, in the parlance of Wall Street, means to buy something of little or no value with the hope someone more misguided than you buys it for more than you paid. Like all investments, you’ll pay a transaction fee for the privilege of making a complete spectacle of yourself and going broke. Savvy folks on Wall Street created and control the game and get very rich off those transaction fees. It is why they’ll be spared after the alien takeover and given positions of respect and prominence.

The best part is no matter how much money you lose, they get to keep those fees; so it works out nicely for them. But don’t feel bad. It’s not as if they are laughing at you while sailing the Mediterranean on their yachts bedecked with ultra-hot lingerie models.

Do yourself a favor. Just say no to Au.