Bad Kid Vid

Have you seen the DVD section lately? There’s all these movies in there that kinda look like popular kid flicks, but aren’t quite. We’re faced with a whole load of direct-to-video sequels and re-makes that are battling for your uninformed entertainment dollars. Wading through the discount bin, I located some kid vid DVDs that were DOA, FWIW:

Nancy Drew, PI
After she falls in love with a convict she helped put away, Nancy helps him escape prison and they live life on the lam.

Madeline Vs. the Pedophile
The little girl is now grown and has become a nun. She’s forced to take action when a strange new neighbor moves in next door and starts hanging around the school.

Sweet Valley Retirement Home
The Wakefield twins, now old spinsters, can’t seem to stand each other, yet can’t go without calling/speaking/visiting each other long enough to get a life.

The Babysitters Club: X Marks the File
The girls revive their babysitting service when the single women of Stoneybrook start giving birth after mysterious UFO sightings and abductions.

Late Night with Curious George
With the Man in the Yellow Hat long dead, George has to support himself by hosting a late night talk show.

Clifford the Big Red Dog Goes to the Country
When the city enacts new “pooper-scooper” laws Emily Elizabeth’s family has Clifford sent to the “country” for his own good, you know, where there’s lots of land and he can chase rabbits.

Arthur’s Impotency
Now married to Francine, Arthur grows despondent when he learns they can’t have children because they’re different species. And then lawyers get involved.

Hardy Boys: “The Real Killers”
Frank & Joe are hired by O.J. Simpson to find those darn real killers.

Honey, I Disintegrated the Kids
Wayne Salinzski’s newest ray gun obliterates his family.

Barney’s Island Adventure
Barney and his little friends sail the seas. They hit a storm and are shipwrecked on a desert island. Soon the children revert to primitive savages, hunt Barney down and eat him.

Beauty & the Beast: A Grizzly End
The Beast is killed by a radical branch of PETA when his fur is mistaken for a fur coat.

Paddington Bear & the Great Ship
When the little bear is left on a gangplank with his bag and a note saying “Please take care of my bear. His name is Paddington,” the ship’s crew takes him on board for the first and last voyage of the Titanic.