Bar Hopping and Going Home With Someone
First off, you should decide if you’re going to drink before you go out. Are you going out with friends tonight, or are you flying solo? Do you have a good bit of cash, or are you trying to maximize the drinking power of your dollars? Regardless of these factors, let’s assume that, with all that extra effort and bar-raising go-getting you did this week, you earned yourself at least one pre-outing drink. It’s your first of the evening, so this is a grab bag. Celebrate your awesomeness with a good beer, if you go in for that. Ales tend to have a higher alcohol content than lagers, due to differences in the brewing time, so if you’re looking to get more bang for your booze buck, even when treating yourself, go for one of these. Bass is a classic English ale and a particularly good choice for suit-and-tie folks; it’s slightly conservative but ambitious as well, and it goes down nicely but has a bit of a kick. Did you just bus tables for forty hours this week? That’s gritty, unrewarding work, so you might want to down a High Gravity Steel Reserve. Sure, it’s bottom of the barrel, but, like you, it’s slightly sweet, incredibly intoxicating, and overall under-respected (it’s also cheap). Prefer wine? The second-to-bottom shelf has a surprising number of good choices. For under ten bucks, the Twin Fin and Rex Goliath reds are all awesome. These domestics, both from California, are ridiculously drinkable, and hey, if the neighbors can see you drinking a glass of wine on your porch, they’ll think you’re classier. Of course if you go in for hard liquor, which would be the Ace if the world of alcohol were a deck of cards, then, by all means, make yourself a drink! Gin and soda is a good one for people from all walks of life. Add a twist of lime and you have a bright and refreshing yet classy and respectable beverage. Of course, you don’t have to splurge; it’s nice to go top-shelf sometimes, but the Booth’s and the Seagrams of the world work just as well as the Bombay, the Beefeater, and the Tanqueray. Cheers!
Okay, you’ve had your first. What’s the plan for tonight? Bar hopping with the guys/gals? Cruising just one locale? Is there a dance party involved? Let’s look at bar hopping first. This is always a worthwhile endeavor, since a few friends and a half dozen walkable bars guarantee you at the very least a change of scenery and lots of exposure to different people (remember: you’re going to get laid later). If you’re going from watering hole to watering hole, chances are you’re going to consume a good bit of alcohol this evening. The goal won’t be to get drunk too quickly, since there’s always that next dive down the street you’ve got to make it to. Again, if you like the liquor, stay away from shots: these’ll get you plastered, and your friends are going to have to carry you the rest of the way. Mixes are good, but stay away from “and-Coke” combinations, since too much sugar mixed with alcohol inevitably leads to a messy conversation with the sidewalk outside. Soda water is good with gin, vodka, and dark rums (their inherent sugar content adds sweetness). Try diet colas with bourbon or Kentucky whiskeys, and you might be surprised. Otherwise, since you’re guaranteed to be having a few more drinks later, stick to beer. And don’t forget to go cheap. At the bars, where it’s two bucks for a Pabst Blue Ribbon (very low alcohol) and four bucks for a Sierra Nevada (pretty decent kick), drinking cheap beer can work to your advantage in a couple of ways; in addition to saving you some cash, it’ll let you drink more without getting too drunk, and you’ll avoid the roller coaster of varying drink strengths. Wine is an option too, if that’s your thing, but try not to have too much; the drunker you get, the harder it is to “sip”, plus you’ll get purple lips/teeth if you’re drinking reds, and you’ll run up a pretty big tab pretty quickly. As you move along, pay attention to the development of your drunkenness: How’s your walking? Is your speech slurred? Are you making a fool of yourself? You’ll know the answers to these questions, and if you can answer “No”, then you’re probably in good shape. It’s important to find your guy/girl in this early phase of the evening, so it’s best to have at least a few of your faculties about.
So far, this primer has taken as granted the belief that you’re somewhat adept at meeting people. Incorrect? Just remember that it’s not that hard. You can pretty well assume that the people you meet in your outing are there for the same reason as you: they’re looking to meet people and have a good time. Just don’t start out with politics or religion; mention your affinity for some benign but widely-appreciated musical act like Franz Ferdinand. Surely you can get a conversation going. Avoid discussions of literature. If you’re a reader, you either don’t know as much as you think you do or you know too much and you’ll alienate a best-seller fan. Oh, and for everyone’s sake, remember to zip up and wash your hands when you’re leaving the restroom. If you can take care of these things, if you can hold a decent conversation, and if you’re not hideously ugly, then you’ve got at least a seventy percent chance of hooking up with someone. Taken care of.
Plan B: There’s a dance party at a local hot spot, and you’re going to go check it out. When planning your drinking for this type of event, it’s best to consider your skill level when it comes to dancing. Some people are born with rhythm, and some people aren’t. If you belong to the latter, it’s best to keep the drinking on the low side. Stick to the aforementioned beers, maybe tossing in a Miller High Life or a Bud “Heavy” every once in a while. You won’t look pretentious or off-putting, and you’ll still have your people-meeting skills somewhat intact. Once you hit on a good prospect, by all means, have a shot. Try a Redheaded Slut: this lewd but tasty combination of JÃ?¤germeister, Peach Schnapps, and cranberry juice a surefire conversation starter, and it’ll get you drunk! At this point, your main goal is to get dizzy and grind. Of course you don’t’ want to go too far; you’re going to need to be able to function in the bedroom. Know your limits. Get toasty, but keep your wits about you. Dip out when you and your new mate think the time is right. You’ll know when that is.
For the last part of your evening, this column can’t really provide much help. Your place or theirs, it really doesn’t make much difference. As long as you’ve got “protection” and can manage not to throw up, you’re bound to have a decent time, so go at it. However it works out, and whether the two of you remember or it or not, the experience will be yours to cherish for a lifetime. But when it’s Saturday morning, make sure to give proper attention to breakfast. When the weekend comes around, there are certain items you should make sure to keep stocked in your pantry/refrigerator: 1) pancakes (who doesn’t like these); 1b) syrup (duh); 2) plenty of good coffee, which means no Folgers or Masterhouse – get a coffee grinder and some freshly-roasted beans; 3) orange juice, which is a great hangover cure; 4) eggs, the most easily digestible protein, great for a morning-after; 5) and finally, something sweet, like bake-at-home cinnamon rolls. Come Saturday, the least you can do is enjoy a decent breakfast with a decent someone while you recover from the night before. Hey, maybe you can even fill in the holes from last night’s conversation that you don’t remember. Awesome!
Okay, you’re ready. The weekend’s not far off, so start getting prepared. You’ve got the knowhow now to make sure your weekend celebrations, your late-night carousing and inebriated love-making are as good as they can be. Have fun, and have a drink for me.
