Beyond Love: Five Things You Need for a Successful Marriage
But love is not the only necessary ingredient, and more than one marriage has fallen apart because love simply isn’t enough. Love is the starting point and the final note, but there’s a lot in between.
So what else do you need from a partner before you can confidently tie the knot?
1. Respect.
We love our pets. We feed them, stroke them, and lavish money and attention on them. But we don’t respect them as equals. In order to have a successful marriage, both partners have to view each other as worthy and equal partners. This has nothing to do with the division of labor-a husband can be in charge of the finances, and a wife can be in charge of the groceries, and each of them can be thought of as respectful and equal partners in a functioning home. The key is not the roles that the partners take on, but rather the respect they afford one another’s decision-making and talents.
2. Admiration.
Partners in a marriage have to be one another’s greatest fans, mutual cheerleaders in the game of life. If there aren’t any qualities about your partner that you admire, you shouldn’t get married. One reason opposites attract is that we often seek out in other people what we wish we had: talents that we’re missing and strengths that compensate for our weaknesses. If you can’t unabashedly admire something about your partner, that spells trouble.
3. Sexual Compatibility.
Sex is not everything in a marriage, but neither is it to be underestimated. If you and your partner don’t share the same willingness to experiment, or the same taste in intimate activities, this can lead to dissatisfaction. Sexual dissatisfaction can lead to affairs, but even if it doesn’t, it can cause a festering resentment that will taint the relationship. Better to find out now that would-be-groom prefers men than to have to explain to children ten years from now why Daddy is leaving. Even if you don’t believe in premarital sex, there are things you can do to find out whether or not the bedroom is going to be an area of conflict. Talk about fantasies, things that interest you, things that you’re willing to do. Find out from your partner the same. If you’re a virgin, you’re at a decided disadvantage here, because you may not really know what you like. But realize that human beings are driven by the same biological needs that exist in the rest of the animal kingdom, with some complicated psychological factors thrown into the mix. Why fight Mother Nature if you don’t have to?
4. Compatible Life Goals.
If your would-be-spouse envisions life as a city-dwelling bohemian, free to travel the globe at a moment’s notice, unburdened with children-this could ruin your plans to have six kids. Your vision for the future doesn’t have to match exactly, but you and your partner have to want similar things, and to view life achievements with the same eyes. If he wants to climb Mount Everest before he dies, and you want to write the Great American Novel, both of you can probably achieve these goals without conflict. But really think through how your goals will fit together in the relationship puzzle. Be willing to compromise the stuff that isn’t that important to you, but be true to what you must have in your life to be happy.
5. Shared Values.
In no marriage are both partners going to agree on everything; and it would be kind of scary if they did. But if you don’t share bedrock values, your marriage is doomed. If one of you feels strongly about honesty, and the other tells the truth when it’s convenient, the relationship isn’t going to work. If one of you feels strongly about loyalty, but the other one puts principles before friendship, you could be in for some nasty and brutal arguments.
Politics is another example. If one of you is a Republican and the other one is a Democrat, your marriage can work just fine. Most people can debate about tax policy and domestic spending without coming to fisti-cuffs. Some couples even enjoy the debate. But if one of you strongly believes that the death penalty is a sin and a moral failing in civilization, while the other one is campaigning for capital punishment in your state-it’s not going to work.
People who have different opinions are interesting; it’s easy to be attracted to them. But you can’t marry someone who doesn’t share your most treasured values. You might fight passionately and fall into bed, maybe even repeating this cycle several times, but when you wake up in the morning you’re going to hate yourself and your partner. So don’t do it. Decide which values are non-negotiable for you. Decide which principles are so important that you would literally lose respect for someone who violated them. If you and your partner are on the same page about these, go ahead and get married. If not, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.
