Big Brother 6 First Episode
The summer television season just got better. And Leslie Moonves finally can get some peace and quiet around the house. It’s no fun being married to a woman who has a deeper voice than you do, is it Les?
Fourteen people whose names will be completely forgotten by everyone in America by the end of August have descended upon the new Big Brother house built specifically for this show. Until they move out and Julie can use it for her shoe closet. Hey, this hosting gig pays very well. These 14 will be devoid of any outside contact with the world. Except for talking with Julie Chen. Which is pretty much the bane existence of Les Moonves, but no one just gives him a half million dollars. Though they should.
This year, the prize could escalate into one million dollars, assuming they can help Dr. Evil build a new unnecessarily slow-moving dipping device that leads to a pack of ill-tempered sharks. As with past years, the producers have come up with a new and shocking secret. Okay, it’s not that new, since W. Mark Felt told Vanity Fair about it in this month’s Vanity Fair. And it’s not exactly shocking. Not when compared to the human meltdown that is Tom Cruise.
But this is CBS, after all. The last time they had good television to watch, Stacey Keach was actually an employable actor. Each houseguest has a friend or family member joining them, but those sly producers have promised them that THEY are the only two with such an advantage.
Did you notice my all-caps emphasis? Subtle, huh? But don’t let that mean you can ignore my Mike Hammer joke. ‘Cuz that took me like five whole seconds to come up with. Back to the show. If the final two housemates are one of the original pairs, the winner gets one million dollars. And that’s no lie. At least according to the CBS producers. Who are lying to the stars of the show. But I’m sure they’ll pay up.
After a rather disturbing montage of the house guests receiving their keys to come to the Big Brother show, in which it becomes apparent that the keys will make no impact whatsoever in the budget of this show, the fourteen are introduced and walk to the front steps of the house, each carrying what appears to be two-hundred pound duffel bags. Wow, that sentence made as much sense as the casting director of Ishtar ever getting a job in Hollywood again.
First up is Ashlea, a student from Florida with the skin cancer to prove it. No word on what she plans on doing with that really annoying ‘a’ on the end of her name. Howie is a weatherman from Chicago, which apparently involves predicting strong winds for nine months of the year, and burning hot sun for the other three. How hard can that job be? It’s almost as brain-numbingly easy as writing recaps at midnight for reality shows on a website no one ever visits.
James is nearly thirty and is a loss-prevention manager. I didn’t even know that was a real job. Neither did James’ parents. Jennifer is an Arena Football League dancer and cheerleader and is also my next obsession. That Kim Zimmer thing back in the 80s never really worked out. Of course, neither do I, which explains why I’m watching the guys on Beauty & the Geek and marvelling at their way with the ladies. April is a bubbly blonde who is one of the few married people on this show. It would be tasteless for me to say anything. Plus, her husband my be able to find me by using the Whois search.
Kaysar is a practicing Muslim who, when not plotting with Harold a way to get his hands on some White Castle burgers, seems to be a nice guy. Beau is black, gay and spells his name in a really weird way. He’s a personal shopper. I have no idea if he was gay before becoming a personal shopper, or if that came after.
Anyway, Julia Duffy has more masculinity. Maggie is an emergency room nurse who seems to have quite the sense of humor. Really, that’s all I’ve got on her. Sorry. Rachel is a horse breeder from Colorado who appears to be six feet tall. She also is an avid Broncos fan, so she’s okay in my book. Except that I’m not actually writing a book. But if I were, she’d be in it.
Bringing up the rear is Sarah, a 22-year old sales manager, which means she’s further ahead in her career at 22 than I am at 32. When I was 22, I was in charge of eating Fritos while watching Jerry Springer on a futon in my parents garage. But to each their own, Sarah. Ivette is a waitress from Florida, where luckily she works so hard during the day that she is yet to be afflicted with skin cancer. Yeay, Ivette! Something to look forward to, I guess. Eric is a muscular, bald firefighter. He’s like me, except that he’s a muscular, bald firefighter.
Michael is the next to last housemate. Michael is an artist from California. Janelle is another waitress and is also from Florida. So basically, CBS spent about fifty bucks on casting agents covering three whole states. So there’s this year cast of characters.
Julie sends them into the house in three groups, and watches with glee as they all scurry around like rats. It’s just like this in the CBS newsroom when she snaps her fingers for coffees and bagels. Very quickly, they all discover that they will all be sharing the same massive bedroom. With only ten beds. Fireman Eric quickly does the math and figures that there’s five sleeping bags left over. Hey, the man has 20″ biceps. If he thinks 10 + 4 equals 15, then who am I to disagree?
Champagne flows as the housemates get to know each other over some bubbly. They each go around introducing themselves and there doesn’t seem to be a jerk in the group. At least yet. Except for James, who lies about being a teacher because it sounds good. It sounds better than saying you’re a loss prevention manager.
Recap writer sounds better than saying you’re a loss prevention manager. Host of Fear Factor sounds better than saying you’re a loss prevention manager. Curling iron administrator for Weird Al Yankovic sounds better than saying you’re a loss prevention manager. But that’s just my opinion.
Before long, Julie startles them when she interrupts the gang on the plasma screen. Now imagine her with no makeup and you begin to get a sense of why Les Moonves looks so sad all the time. She points their attention to the colorful kitchen, where the only food to be found in peanut butter and jelly. Today will be the first food competition of the season. She gets them all to dress down to their swimsuits and to go to the backyard. The guys on this show are all buff, the girls are all hot and my jokes have become annoying to everyone except my grandmother.
Outside in what appears to be the back yard of Mark Burnette, a pool of green water awaits the housemates. This is what happens when you let Charlie Sheen host a party on the Big Brother lot, people! In the pool are two giant-sized surfboard. Julie divides the groups into seven and instructs them on the rules: Balance all seven members on the surfboard. Shoot coconuts into the mouth of The Big Kahuna. And never ever discuss Fight Club. Howie will do the shooting for the blue team. Kaysar takes the shots for the orange team. Because the sports world is full of sharpshooting Muslims. I’m not even going there, folks. I’m not even going there.
Howie begins downing shots like Paris Hilton at the Viper Room, while Kaysar hasn’t made one yet, despite his proclamation of being a basketball star. Of course, Al Bundy once scored five touchdowns for Polk High and all he ended up with was Peg and some annoying little child actor brought in to save them when they jumped the shark. Eric the firefighter replaces his Muslim teammate, but the results are the same. Which aren’t good. On a positive note, the Clippers front-office wants to sign them both to multi-year contracts when this show ends. You saw that joke coming a mile away didn’t you?
By the end of the trouncing, the blue team wins 21-7. But that’s not the end of the fun, boys and girls. It’s now time to have a competition for the all-important Head of Household, which is a title that Julie Chen has been proudly wearing for quite some time now. This competition involves the seven winning members of the orange team and is simple enough that even Matt Lauer could understand: The person who stands on the surfboard the longest wins.
Inside, the other seven talk in pairs of two about the nights events. Ashlea and Ivette are both worried that the winning seven are already forming an alliance, Kaysar is concerned that Donald Rumsfeld is going to insist that he be kicked off the show simply because he’s an Iraqi and Beau is concerned that his ensemble won’t be out of the washer before breakfast tomorrow. Outside on the surfboard (there’s a phrase I never thought I’d write) James gets a cramp and voluntarily jumps off, as do the other girls with the exception of Rachel the Broncos fan, leaving her and Howie to fight for the reward of being Head of Household. Howie jumps off and Rachel wins.
Much later, Kaysar is upstairs and finds the place to perform his prayer ritual, which Ashlea finds interesting. A deep conversation seems to be brewing between the two when…SCREECH! No important dialogue allowed around her guys! This is CBS! So Rachel comes bouncing in and wants to show everyone her Head of Household bedroom, which appears to be twice as big as my house for some reason. A private bathroom seems to catch everyone’s eye and all agree it’s the nicest fanciest room they’ve ever seen. Julie Chen thinks it’s a cute little space for her figurines.
As most head out, Rachel keeps a few of her teammates from the night before to help her decide who to nominate for eviction. Meanwhile, romance seems to be blooming as Jennifer thinks James is cute. And Jennifer thinks Michael is hot. And Jennifer thinks Eric is hot. And Jennifer thinks Howie is hot. And Jennifer thinks Tom Cruise is hot. Tom Cruise thinks Matt Lauer is glib. Matt, Matt, Matt. You don’t understand the history of reality television strategy. He does.
Downstairs, new alliances seem to be forming under hushed tones and whispering voices. Kaysar and Eric seem to be making a pact, as do Rachel and Maggie. It’s really hard to hear, but luckily CBS supplies subtitles. Unfortunately, my foot rest on my recliner is in the way, so I’m only guessing at what was being said. James visits Rachel in her La Cosa Nostra-like room, after paying his respects to Guido, the door bodyguard outside. He inexplicably wants Jennifer out, even though she thinks he’s hot. I want them to speak up so I will actually be certain as to what is going on. Beau just wants everyone to sing Karma Chameleon at the Karaoke Machine downstairs.
Julie is back, and so is a new outfit, her fourth tonight. Rachel is ready to make her decision after a gut wrenching two-minutes of deliberations, and does so. She gathers the gang around the table and pulls out the first key announcing who is safe. By the end, everyone is happy except for Ashlea and Kaymar. Rachel tries to convince them that it’s nothing personal. Ashlea is in tears and not just because she’s the only woman in the world named Ashlea. Kaymar doesn’t seem to understand this part of the game, saying it’s just a thrill to be nominated. I think he’s missing the point.
