Bill and Ted’s Matrix

(Setting: Circle-K. Ted is walking around by himself, eating some frozen yogurt
when a stranger in a black jacket and sunglasses appears seemingly out of nowhere)

Ted: (setting yogurt carefully on the counter) Whoa! Dude, who are you?

Neo: I’m you. In the future.

Ted: No WAY!

Neo: Way.

Ted: Hey, outside? There’s this bodacious dude? Named Rufus? He’s telling me to get into a phone booth with him. What should I do? I mean, I could trust your advice because you’re me, right? You would like totally trust me If I were you, and you kind of, um…am.

Neo: Totally. Trust him. Go with him and listen to everything he says. He knows many things. Oh, his name is really Morpheus. And he’s black.

Ted: So what’s gonna happen from here?

Neo: Many incredible things. You’ll hang out for a bit with Alex Winter.

Ted: Awesome! (Plays Air Guitar)

Neo; Wait. There’s more. You’ll do many cool things.

Ted: Like what?

Neo: Like jump out of a plane with Patrick Swayze, Meet a beautiful woman and live in her Mexican vineyard, Create a Chain Reaction for endless energy, Save a busload of people while getting lucky with Sandra Bullock, discover enlightenment by stepping in the life of the Buddha, Be a Replacement football player, pretend to be a Johnny smuggling data in your brain withteh help of Ice-T, face the Al-Pacino-looking Devil as an attorney, Beat up that
elf-king guy from Lord of the Rings (he’s disguised as a secret agent),
and you even get to fly like Superman and give back control of the cyber-world to humanity. And you get to learn kung-fu.

Ted: Whoooooaaa…… this is too much…my life is going to be awesome. Most cool! It’s probably going to start with Dangerous Liaisons! that rocks!

Neo: (Turning away and searching the night sky) But it’s not all fun. The road is hard. The world will not always embrace you
as its hero.

Ted: Tell me more, oh mega-cool one!

Neo: There is this vampire movie where you will look stupid. And a Shakespear play that is meant to be bad. And there’s (mumbling indistinctly).

Ted: What? What?

Neo: Nothing.

Ted: It sounded like “getting into a fireside homo-love scene with River Phoenix!” Who’s Private Idaho? I hope it’s a cool studly war at least. Is it?

Neo: Don’t let it get to you. The sooner you get through it the better.

Ted: Fag!

Neo: One last thing: When Rufus/Morpheus gives you a pill, you–

Ted: Use the bubblegum to fix my antenna?

Neo: No. You will have to choose between two pills. Choose the blue one. This will be frightening and not make sense. But you will not regret it, I promise.

Ted: Got it. Hey, will I ever visit myself in time again?

Neo: Yes, but he will not look like me.

Ted: How will I know it’s him?

Neo: Ask him something only you would think about.

Ted: I know! Hey, what number am I —

Neo: Sixty-nine.

Ted: Dude! How did you–

Neo : It’s always sixty-nine. I made you always pick that. Set it up just to mess with you. Ha-hah.

Ted: Hey, NOT cool! Ah…never mind. You want some yogurt before you go?

Neo: (Loud slurping sound. Yogurt rises into the air as a single blob and forms a stream headed for Neo’s mouth. Neo eats the entire thing in about six seconds, sprinkles and all).

Ted: How did you do that? You didn’t even use a–

Neo: I had to: There Is No Spoon.

(Neo vanishes in a mechanical shimmering curtain of green numbers, and the Circle K is once again empty)

Ted: (Looking out to the parking lot) It’s Alex Winter sitting outside! Whoa! It has begun, dude. It is going to be a most Excellent Adventure.