Brangelina Finally Gives Birth: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt Vs. Suri Cruise
I can’t tell you exactly why the offspring of Brangelina and Tomkat need to battle to the death; this is information that you just need to GET on your own. I can tell you about the symbolic nature of the fight, when it will be and the strengths and weaknesses of both combatants. Are you ready?
The greater significance of this conflict is a bit abstract, so bare with me. Suri vs. Shiloh is actually a war between the science fiction nature of Scientology and the agnostic qualities of vague Christian spirituality (which in an even broader sense is a fight between the mystics and humankind). I won’t get into the details of either side’s religion (or lack of religion). It would take to long and it’s not really important. All you need to know is that Scientology is mostly stupid (so stupid it might be totally ingenious) and that the broad do-gooder spirituality of Angelina Jolie (which has also infected Brad Pitt) is usually pretentious and not spiritual at all.
However, one of these trains of thoughts has to survive the collision that is Suri vs. Shiloh. Let me run down the strengths and weaknesses of both.
Shiloh Strengths
-The soul sucking lips of her mother, Angelina Jolie: In the future these gigantic lips will morph into actual, bona fide soul suckers. She will attempt to suck the soul (read: internal energy) of her enemies.
-The ability to grow long hair and a scary beard like her father, Brad Pitt: Like he did in so many movies (12 Monkeys was my favorite), Pitt has the uncanny ability to spontaneously grow an extraordinary amount of body, facial and head hair; he will pass this trait to his daughter Shiloh, making her quite excellent at the art of espionage and sneak attacks.
Suri Strengths
-The ability to be as cute as a baby fawn just like mom, Katie Holmes: As she did for so many seasons on my favorite show “Dawson’s Creek”, Katie Holmes will pass down this very important quality to her child Suri. This ability is great for warfare, as it weakens the battle heart of your opponent and leaves them open for serious death blows.
-The shape-shifting qualities of her dad, Tom Cruise: Tom Cruise is an alien and a shape-shifter. Thus, his daughter Suri, is half alien shape-shifter.
Shiloh Weaknesses
-An addiction to marijuana, passed down from poppa Brad Pitt: Brad Pitt has one glaring weakness, he is a total pothead. He will pass this trait down to his daughter Shiloh. This won’t be a genetic thing though, Brad Pitt will just start smoking her out when she is nine (this will make him simultaneously totally awesome and a complete asshole).
-The need to look in a mirror seventeen times a minute like her mother Angelina Jolie: Having to look into a mirror seventeen times a minute is not a good battle trait, Shiloh can thank Angelina Jolie for this. It’s going to be really hard to fight off the alien laser beams of Suri with a stupid mirror in her hand.
Suri Weaknesses
-A sense of morality from her mother, Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes is the only parent out of the four with any redeeming qualities. Actually, she’s nothing more than a vessel for Tom Cruise to have his alien baby. This sense of morality will not be helpful in the midst of the death battle with Brangelina’s Shiloh.
-1/8 of a monkey brain from her dad, Tom Cruise. Although Tom Cruise is mostly an alien, he is actually a Ã?¼ spider monkey (if you saw him jump up and down on Oprah’s couch, you already know this). Spider monkeys are awesome animals but they are not good fighters. Tom Cruise will pass his monkeyness down to his daughter Suri; making her 1/8 spider monkey and very susceptible to banana warfare.
The fight will take place on July 4th, 2022, our as Bill Pullman once said, “our Independence Day”. Both combatants will be roughly sixteen years of age; the prime age for galactic female fighters in a battle of humanity. The fight will take place in the Staples Center in Los Angeles and tickets will be in the $250-$5000 range.
The future of mankind depends on the outcome. If Suri wins, the planet Earth will be transformed into an intergalactic gas station; if Shiloh wins, then everyone will become bleeding heart liberals and instead of having anymore kids people will be forced to adopt third world babies. Either way, it’s totally going to suck.
Who do you think will win?
