Brangelina Gives Birth to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt
When writing an analytical article about the birth of a celebrity baby it’s good to cover all the bases (to what extent an article about a celebrity baby can be deemed analytical, is open to discussion). Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie gave birth to one Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt in the tiny African nation of Namibia. Here’s the textbook definition of Shiloh (as per dictionary.com):
1. An ancient village of central Palestine northwest of the Dead Sea. In the Bible, it was a meeting place and sanctuary for the Israelites and the site of a tabernacle where the Ark of the Covenant was kept until its capture by the Philistines.
2. A locality in southwest Tennessee east of Memphis. The Civil War Battle of Shiloh (April 6-7, 1862) ended in the withdrawal of Confederate troops but claimed more than 10,000 casualties on both the Union and Confederate sides. The second great battle of the American Civil War; the battle ended with the withdrawal of Confederate troops but it was not a Union victory.
3. [The most likely definition from the standpoint of Brangelina – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie] generally understood as denoting the Messiah, “the peaceful one,” as the word signifies (Gen. 49:10). The Vulgate Version translates the word, “he who is to be sent,” in allusion to the Messiah; the Revised Version, margin, “till he come to Shiloh;” and the LXX., “until that which is his shall come to Shiloh.” It is most simple and natural to render the expression, as in the Authorized Version, “till Shiloh come,” interpreting it as a proper name (comp. Isa. 9:6).
Shiloh, a place of rest, a city of Ephraim, “on the north side of Bethel,” from which it is distant 10 miles (Judg. 21:19); the modern Seilun (the Arabic for Shiloh), a “mass of shapeless ruins.” Here the tabernacle was set up after the Conquest (Josh. 18:1-10), where it remained during all the period of the judges till the ark fell into the hands of the Philistines. “No spot in Central Palestine could be more secluded than this early sanctuary, nothing morefeatureless than the landscape around; so featureless, indeed, the landscape and so secluded the spot that from the time of St. Jerome till its re-discovery by Dr. Robinson in 1838 the very site was forgotten and unknown.” It is referred to by Jeremiah (7:12, 14; 26:4-9) five hundred years after its destruction.
More simply, Shiloh is a name of Hebrew origin, meaning “his gift”. It’s also worth noting that Neil Diamond wrote a song called “Shilo” about his (or someone else’s) desperate and lonely childhood. The origin of Nouvel is a bit trickier to decipher. Here are some possible connections:
-Jean Nouvel is a famous French architect (he was born in 1945). He built a lot of stuff and is apparently pretty famous.
-“Le Nouvel Observateur” is a weekly French news magazine. It is the most prominent French general information magazine based in Paris in terms of audience and circulation (currently at 538,200).
-The Nouvel Hotel is an establishment in Barcelona, Spain. Perhaps Shiloh was conceived there.
-Nouvel Catholic Central High School is a private school in Saginaw, Michigan. I am fairly certain this has nothing to with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
And then there’s the whole Jolie-Pitt part. This obviously means that it (Shiloh) was created from the loins of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the media creation I have so fondly taken to calling Brangelina. I’d like to note that I despise hyphenated last names. People with hyphenated last names (in the memory of my childhood at least) were almost never cool and often were pretentious jerks who never shared their cookies at snack time.
I don’t know what the protocol of hyphenating your child’s last name is either (as far as whose last name usually comes first). I wonder if there even is a protocol for this sort of thing. If there is, I bet Brad and Angelina didn’t follow it. They probably switched up the order of the last names on purpose because they are so wacky and hip.
The birth itself went off without a hitch. Angelina Jolie opted for the C-Section birth method. No word on why she went that route (was it for medical reasons or vagina expansion worries?). The baby is healthy and happy (for now); that is the only important thing to mention. Here are some words of wisdom from the author of this article:
1.Don’t do hard drugs: By hard I mean needle drugs and the snorting of unusual powders (cocaine not included). This is what everyone expects you to do, so don’t go that route.
2.Tell brother Maddox to lose the Faux-hawk. I’m not sure what Angelina Jolie’s deal is, but the faux-hawk hairstyle is so three years ago. You’d think such a sexy and cool movie star would know this.
3.Try not to get into modeling or acting. Being the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, this one is going to be hard, but try and resist it. You are probably going to be the most attractive person ever created, so going down the model/actor road is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. Try experimental film, I think you’d be perfect for it.
Now that Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has been created, the question on most people’s minds is “will Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married?” They already missed the boat on the shotgun wedding, and now that the cat is literally out of the bag it looks like they don’t really give a shit about things like marriage.
Personally, I don’t think they should get married. Marriage just complicates everything (especially for millionaire movie stars). Who knows if the relationship will work out or not; it actually doesn’t matter. The world got what they needed when Brangelina gave birth to Shiloh; a juicy story that is still over a decade away from adolescence (oh, the staying power of celebrity children).
This poor fucking kid has no chance at being normal.
