Bribery: A Parent’s Best Friend
I admit, when I first read the “make no bribes” parenting rule, I followed it. That was when I parented according to the expectations of others – and not what worked for me. Demon was a small infant and Angel had just turned two – the stage in life where children morph into some sort of creature you possibly couldn’t have given birth to. (Unfortunately, that state is revisited at about age 12 and 13)
We had gone grocery shopping and the act that Emily was putting on was comparable to a bad accident, you never really mean to look, but you just can’t help it. I received a few sympathetic looks and a glare or two. A very pregnant woman muttered to her male companion, “Our baby will never act like that!” I giggled and whispered back, “Yeah, I said that too!” I finally broke down and offered her cookies in return for good behavior. Angel got her cookies, my stress level went down, and the grocer patrons had one less crying child to contend with.
The briber worked a few more times, each time offering a win-win situation for every party involved. But then I started to feel guilty. Every parenting resource clearly stated that bribery was bad. In my mind, and in the mind of my mother-in-law, bad parenting tools = bad parents. And, in our society there is nothing worst to be than a bad mother.
After I had emotionally kicked my own butt until my self-esteem was lying bruised on the floor – I reconsidered this whole bribery thing.
How many of us adults do things to be rewarded in the end?
Some join the PTA not out of interest of a child’s voice in the school, but to meet new friends.
Others tackle an extra project at work, not because they are team players and care about the company, but to gain good impressions of them by their superiors and for promotion.
Some contribute money or volunteer not to be charitable for charities sake, but for a tax write off or something that looks good on a resume.
I realized I wasn’t teaching my children to be bad people. I was teaching my children what it is to be human.
What I find strange, though, is if we offer a reward to small children, we are seen with scorn. But if we offer a reward to an adult, we are seeing as “giving them motivation”, “paying it forward.” or “giving someone a chance.”
People, so-called experts on children, do this to. “Buy our book, magazine, or advertiser’s toys and you will be rewarded with a well-behaved, emotionally stable, and socially acceptable child.”
Well, if bribery is good enough to use on us, why not on them?
