British Airline Bomb Threat Foiled!
Scotland Yard first became aware of the threat after observing a number of men of Middle Eastern descent carrying cases of the popular drink onto six different planes. “At first, we were focused on what was in their carry-on luggage,” said Henry Wilkinson, Scotland Yard’s Chief of Domestic Terrorism. “We were looking for mainstream explosives like jelled nitroparafin, metal perchlorate and nitroglycerin. It never even dawned on us to look at the soda.” Security officials at Heathrow Airport let the men breeze right through the screening stations, completely unaware of the threat they represented.
The bombs were made from a number of very simple, yet deadly components. The men, all in their early twenties and members of the radical “al-Quesadilla” extremist group, first became aware of the soda’s volatile nature after watching “Steve Spangler, the Science Guy” explode liters of diet Coke by dropping packages of Mentos mints into them on NBC’s The Today Show. “The diet Pepsi idea was brilliant,” said Wilkinson. “They knew that they could easily smuggle the Mentos on board by hiding them inside of box cutters. All they had to be concerned with was getting past security with the twelve cases of soda without calling attention to themselves. Assembling the bombs while on board would be simple.”
President Bush was on vacation in Crawford, Texas when Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff informed him of the threat. The President then called Prime Minister Tony Blair, who was on vacation in the Caribbean, who in turn called Russian Premier Vladamir Putin who ironically, was also on vacation. This continued for several hours until Prince Albert of Monaco was finally reached, who called Werner Beltram, Assistant Under-Secretary of Recreation and Parks for Lichtenstein: apparently the only government official reached who was actually in his office working.
The perpetrators, all of Pakistani origin, were living in the United States using work visas issued by Piggy Wiggly Markets, Inc. This gave them unfettered access to the soda and mints. When questioned about how they learned to make the bombs, Al-man Rajeem Nadwaz Korumi Ami Haabat, the leader of the group said, “It was easy. The instructions were on the back of the bottles.”
As a result of the scare, all incoming and outgoing flights were cancelled at Heathrow Airport and traffic came to a halt at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Orlando, Florida where members of the public were forced to succumb to random strip searches. Even the space shuttle Atlantis was instructed to abort its landing at Kennedy Space Center and return to Mars. “We’ve put the country on Condition Red,” said Chertoff. “As a result of the events that transpired in London, we’re removing all soda and candy machines from airports, train stations and bus depots across the U.S. You just can’t be too careful.”
White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, immediately announced in this morning’s press briefing, “Let me assure you, it is perfectly safe to travel; just not in aircraft, trains, ships or motor vehicles. Bicycles are fine.”
President Bush called the thwarted plot, “âÂ?¦a stark reminder of the lengths that extremists will go, to try to disrupt the lives of innocent citizens.” TSA Director, Kip Hawley, pledged to get things moving again as quickly as possible. “During the past 10 years, we have asked the public to help us with the screening process by leaving all Bowie knives, spears, switchblades, hunting rifles, Claymore mines, swords, patriot missiles, shotguns, crossbows, slingshots, taser guns, scissors, nunchuks, nail files, ballpoint pens, bullwhips, surgical scalpels, cell phones, iPods, blasting caps, wireless detonating devices and dynamite at home. This morning, I’m going ask everyone to go just one step further and wear hospital gowns when they fly. This will make it much easier during the check-in process.
By Tuesday, travelers at our nation’s airports began to see things return to normal. The check-in lines were back to the usual three-hour wait and people were smiling again. “I feel perfectly safe flying,” said Kyoshi Katate, 24, who was on her way back to Cosmetology school in Japan when her flight was cancelled. “It’s been a little wild learning to flying without any carry-on luggage or underwear, but I’m starting to get used to it.”
