Britney Spears Has Been Destroyed by K-Fed’s Mind Games

How far? How far godamnit? How far will former American sweetheart, Britney Spears, fall? I long for the days when it was okay to be sassy, wear a Catholic school girl skirt and trick the world into thinking you’re a virgin. And I also long for the days when Britney Spears did those things too. Who is this K-Fed person, Kevin Federline? What is his deal anyway? He looks like that kid in high school who hung out with the Puerto Rican dudes, smoking cigarettes and listening to The Misfits, only to cut his hair after graduation, start taking a lot of ecstasy, attending raves and eventually settling into a fine job tuning cars and changing oil. Sure, maybe he’s working on some beats when his shift ends, but come morning he’s just another grease monkey with big dreams who likes to dance.

This is not the guy that Britney Spears was supposed to end up with. She should be having her second baby with Justin Timberlake not the freeloading, fast talking, gangster wannabe K-Fed. I mean Timberlake fucked up too; who is he fooling by dating Carmen Diaz, like that shit’s going to work out (he’s still going out with Carmen Diaz, right?). Britney and Justin could have been it. They could have rivaled Brangelina and Tomkat with their uber cool nickname: Justney. Say it, “Justney.” Shit rolls off your tongue, huh?

If you’re addicted to the Internet or you just hate your job, then I’m sure you’ve seen the new videotape clogging up the web’s mainline artery of useless junk. It features a drunken Spears being videotaped by, you guessed it, the evil K-Fed. She’s in full white trash regalia: trucker hat and wife beater, burping like a sonofabitch, making very little sense and at one point talking in non sequiters (note: this actually could be evidence that K-Fed and Britney are more advanced than all of us; in so much as the invention of a new language would dictate).

To make matters worse, it also seems that Britney is fully supporting K-Feds music career. If you caught Nickelodeon’s Teen Choice Awards, you’d be well aware of this. I did not catch this landmark event live, but I did see it on YouTube.com. Britney, boobs hanging out and way too much makeup on, actually introduced K-Fed’s act. The whole thing had a circus feel to it and I’m not going to lie, I was scared for my life.

I’ve got something serious to say. I don’t really want to blow your mind, but if that happens so be it. You see, the degeneration of Britney Spears is bigger than just the loss of a musical and cultural icon. If we allow Britney Spears to be killed by K-Fed, then a little piece of us all will die to. Our way of life will change forever with Britney Spears’ first DUI. People (Kirk Cameron) talk about the coming Rapture. He’s mostly full of shit; the Rapture is coming aright but the cause of it won’t be mankind’s failure to repent. If we lose Britney Spears to the darkside then this planet will go down the pooper, faster than you can recite the words from the “Growing Pains” theme (“Show me that smile againâÂ?¦”).

K-Fed is Darth Vader and Britney Spears is Obi-Won Kenobi. Ya’ll know what happens to Obi-Won don’t you? We need to find Luke Skywalker and we need to do it fast.