Britney Spears Makes CNN Headlines by Burping

Trailer trash girl, turned pop princess, turned trailer trash girl, Britney Spears had the honor of making the front page of CNN for burping recently. While one might argue that the real story here is that CNN would deem Britney’s burping incident as news, I instead applaud CNN for finally coming out and doing a hard-hitting piece. Sure, people are dying all over the world at the hands of ruthless dictators, Autocrats, American Soldiers (at the bequest of a ruthless autocrat), disease, acts of God, starvation and other misfortunes, the reality is that, I am tired of hearing the inconvenient truth that doesn’t effect me very much. When I watch CNN, I want to hear the play by play of the lives of the people who are supposed to be role models for my kids if I had any.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have kids, because I know people who do, and that qualifies me as somewhat of an expert. Furthermore, CNN has anchors that have children themselvesâÂ?¦just the sort of people who should be doing these hard-hitting news pieces aimed at protecting our children from Role models gone amuck. CNN got it right when they decided to chastise Ms. Spears for her obvious lack of discretion. Oh sureâÂ?¦. I know what you are saying. You are one of those tree hugging America haters who not only doesn’t watch CNN, but who thinks that Britney doesn’t owe anybody anything and that the ability to shake her groove thang on music videos on which she sings mediocre bubble gum music doesn’t automatically give her the publicly assigned job of role model to our kids. That’s where you are wrong.

CNN The name you trust in news, understands the complexity of the job title a young uneducated southern girl with the distinction of having all of her teeth took on when she first decided to shake her then underage bon-bon on screen in the faces of dirty old would be pedophiles if not for the fact that they have never been ordained to the priesthood. CNN understands that only the purest and most innocent role models should be allowed access to our children and I say good on CNN for making it front page news when they found proof of the fact that Britney is, as she has been telling us all along, not that innocent.

It’s not bad enough that Britney Spears is a bad mother or that she married beneath her (Although, to be fair, we don’t actually KNOW who is on top and who is beneath who in that relationship. Stay tuned for that video NEXT time her career takes a nose dive). Now Britney has gone so far as to be caught on video in a wife beater t-shirt, sans bra, chewing with her mouth open, talking about drinking at home, and even worse, belching. Yes. That’s right folks, Britney Spears belches. The next thing I know, she will be on You Tube Passing Gas. CNN. As a role model to the children I don’t have, I am horrified and disgusted. Britney didn’t stop there. Oh no. CNN reported that she even forced over half a million people to download this disturbing video on Youtube.com. Thanks for the warning CNN. I will certainly never be caught going to Youtube.com to watch Britney belch againâÂ?¦.again.

CNN is the sort of news network that keeps America great. Look for them to continue to bring us all of the important news, such as “Forgotten Beatle a crowd pleaser”, an eye opening expose on the current lifestyle of Peter Best, the drummer for the Beatles who was booted from the band shortly before the start of Beatle mania in 1968, or the inside scoop on what caused teen role model and heartthrob Kate Hudson to finally put herself back on the dating market after six years of marriage. Sure, they could tell us more about people dying in the Sudan, or tell us about more breakthroughs in AIDS research, or spend more time challenging the President on his (insert pretty much anything here) policy, or other things that really don’t affect me. In the end though, aren’t our children the foundation of our existence? Don’t they deserve to live in a world where role models never burp and where celebrities understand that when they don the mantle of fame that they owe it to us to be perfect? I think so too. Thank GodâÂ?¦Or AllahâÂ?¦.or The GoddessâÂ?¦.Or ThorâÂ?¦. or the little lady down the street whose 1965 Mustang has less than 10,000 original miles, for a network like CNN who is bold enough and strong enough to dive to the heart of the things that really matter instead of simply entertaining us with death and destruction. God Bless the Men and Women of CNN!