Building a Healthy Step family
Step families are created by the adults, but involving the children is a necessary component to really create a healthy step family. If the children feel isolated or resentful, or if they feel that their needs and wishes aren’t even important enough for the adults to consider, look out!, trouble is coming, sooner rather than later. And, if either of the adults in the family feel as though they are second-choice or unimportant in the household, well, disaster time is coming for sure!
Important Points to Consider:
âÂ?¢ Building a Healthy Step family takes TIME – time to adjust and time for everyone to become comfortable with the changes in their lives, time to learn about the other members of their new family, and time to enjoy each other.
âÂ?¢ Building a Healthy Step family takes EFFORT– from everyone, including former spouses, in-laws, extended families and friends. Everyone involved with the new family MUST be supportive and encouraging.
âÂ?¢ Building a Healthy Step family takes PATIENCE – Don’t try to ‘force’ relationships between the ‘new parent’ and children, or for that matter, between new siblings. Allow each person personal time, to establish and/or define their relationships within the family.
âÂ?¢ Building a Healthy Step family takes COMMUNICATION – Open, honest and CALM communication is key to building a healthy step family! Reinforce communication techniques that encourage and validate feelings, without allowing anyone to ‘run down’ another member of the family.
Be willing to seek outside professional assistance, from counselors and therapists. This is particularly important to prevent festering of attitudes and also, to facilitate a smooth transition from ‘my family’ and ‘your family’ to ‘OUR family’.
A few specific situations and how to handle them, for the best chance at building a healthy step family:
A few specific situations and how to handle them, for the best chance at building a healthy step family:
You are moving into the new relationship too fast for the health and well being of everyone involved. Slow down. Let the adults and all the children in the new relationship make their own relationships, slowly, if necessary. Moving the new family in within weeks of meeting is a recipe for disaster. Consider involving the future family members in a few activities and outings at first, allowing everyone time to acclimate to each other, without pressure or expectations. Another great idea is to ‘plan’ hang out at home type evenings or days, where everyone is just themselves. Remember, though, when hanging out at one or another of the family homes, the ‘other’ children or adult members may not have much to do, so be sure to bring along some things from home.
A child’s ‘other’ parent isn’t as involved as they were before the new relationship. Perhaps the ‘other’ parent was never involved, or perhaps they feel left behind as you move on in your new relationship. Make it clear to both the child and the former spouse , that your new relationship in NO WAY is meant to take the place of the child’s own parent.
Understand that the new parent figure taking on the immediate role of disciplinarian is a sure fire way to cause conflict. From the beginning of the live in step family days, the children need to understand that both adults are responsible for, and capable of making rules and enforcing them. Children need to feel safe and secure, and one way to understand this is to sit down with them and talk about the role of the new ‘parent’. They need to know that they will not be allowed to create situations or divide the ‘parents’.
There are some excellent resources to learn more about successful step families. A few of our favorites are:
http://www.focusas.com, Focus Adolescent Services, a great and wide-ranged resource, focusing primarily on step family health and teenager’s issues
http://www.helpguide.org, Help Guide, a fantastic section on Blended Families and Step families, with special attention to the mental health aspects of building a healthy step family.
http://www.stepfamilieswork.com, Step families Work! Website, includes information and sales point for the ebook, “29 Ways to Make Your Step family Work“, by Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer, mother of two/stepmother of three, a great collection of very specific hints, tricks and tips for having a healthy step family.
Building a healthy step family can be a lot of work, that’s true. But raising healthy, happy children and working on maintaining a healthy love in a blended family is well worth the effort. Remember to communicate, be patient, and be aware of problems or challenges as they arise. And, most of all, enjoy your new and healthy step family.
