Buyer’s Guide to Children

This is a buyer’s guide to children, so laugh a lot. Let it all out. I plan to.

Though I’ll never go through nine months of hell and give birth to my child after wild midnight jaunts to the local 7-11 in which I’d buy up all of the jars of pickles and gallons of ice cream, indulging in the contents in a fury of green and white dripping off of my face, I am an expert on children. All it really takes is being a father of one. Or, two. Or, perhaps three. In my case there are four, but who’s counting?

The point is this: The ways in which we are going about having children is a bit disturbing and so I have taken the time out of my busy schedule to educate you, the reader, on the do’s and don’ts of having children. For example it is perfectly okay to have children after you’re married, however it is not out of wedlock. What’s with that logic?

On one side of the fence my baby’s momma lives in Illinois where she is happy having her third child out of wedlock. The recent birth also makes this her third child born to a different father, thus the precursor to the reason I am writing this buyer’s guide. My ex is draining the system and collecting massive amounts of child support, only to have more children. If only she were to have her tubes tiedâÂ?¦this is also the reason for my homework assignment: Watch an episode of Jerry Springer, airing on most UPN network affiliates after midnight (and afternoons in big cities). Then you’ll see why it’s not a good reason (though it is your choice) to have kids for free and to have several babies’ mommas.

On the other side you have people getting married and doing things the easy way, after the ceremony. This is the in thing that many radical-thinking groups want you to do. If you don’t believe me watch the demonstrations outside of clinics nationwide. Believe me, they’re very serious about you doing this the right way. Either way it’s all too confusing.

Now before I have advocacy groups calling for my head, I must warn you that the guide is simply for fun, though there may be some truth to it. I’m not asking for people to go and sell their kids on the black market (though the practice is commonplace in many parts of the globe); I’m simply telling you to think before you do something you might regret, or maybe not. The whole purpose of a buyer’s guide is to inform the reader before purchasing a good(s) or product(s), is it not? This buyer’s guide is also for any male in the genus species willing to give it up for some nooky. I’m here to tell you one thing: Stop.

I’m an expert at this and know all too well the consequences. Stop before it’s too late and you are buying diapers and baby formula at Wal-Mart at two in the morning. Also, unless your wife/girlfriend/love interest is currently consuming mass amounts of illegal drugs or happily engaged in physical activity, there will be some weight gain post-birth. Count on it. Babies weigh about as much as bowling balls and women gain about four times that amount. I have seen mothers in Wally World, as a matter of fact, who look as though they are emaciated enough to pull off being pregnant without actually looking the part, but not only is it sad to see it is also dangerous on many accounts. So before I start getting hate mail from mothers or mothers-to-be who think this column is A. dumb and B. sexist, allow me to remind you I was dropped on my head as a child a lot and shaken until my teeth stopped rattling. Also, in elementary school I was attacked a lot by various girls, especially when I spurned their advances in order to play more sports. This stopped after I couldn’t participate in organized games, at age 20. Shortly thereafter an alien-like creature popped out of my ex’s belly in a sea of bloody goop and I, in all my resplendent glory, passed out.

Here then is my buyer’s guide to children. Go forth, youngun, and git yerself a wimmin!

FREE
Yes, free. It is by far the easiest yet the most painful way of buying children. Now before you ask how this is actually possible, I’m here to tell you it is. There is, however, a catch: You need to have an unlisted telephone number, as well as no conceivable or logical way for the female to be able to track you down post-encounter (this is made harder with the advent of the Internet). Allow me to demonstrate what happens if you don’t abide: A. About nine months after you banged so-and-so you receive something really official from a well-dressed guy at your front door who asks you what your name is. If you answer correctly, then you are stupid and/or busted and presented with a court summons. For naÃ?¯ve individuals, this simply means your ass is grass and you need to run fast. B. If you cannot hire an attorney, a volunteer may work for you, if available. (could be a paralegalâÂ?¦could be some guy that just walked in off the street) This is about the quickest way I know to get yourself up shit creek, owing about $1,000 per month in child support, though on your paperwork it only says you make $600 and your helper in a bad leisure suit is always sniffling and excusing himself/herself to the bathroom. C. Don’t hire an attorney and don’t show up to court (this is what I did, by the way), go into default and owe a hell of a lot more money than what you’re actually earning. Pay arrears for about a decade and hate yourself for doing something as stupid as knocking up your girlfriend while you were loaded. Also, you tend to resent everybody around you, especially your parents, who stood around watching and pointing fingers when they could have helped you out of your mess. But you know parents; they’re always trying to teach you lessons, and duh, that’s what happened to me.

Breakdown of free, Part II
Here’s how it works (or, this is how it worked for me): Find a nice space, nothing particularly romantic, in the middle of the night, maybe in a sleeping bag or maybe not if you’re feeling adventurous, blow in her ear, get googly-eyed and have at it. Keep in mind two other things while you’re doing this: Rumor has it there is the risk of a sexually transmitted disease, but what’s a little Herpes Simplex to get in your way of having a good time? I know I kinda felt something burning on the end of my thingy when I peed, yet at the time I distinctly recall thinking it was something spicy I had eaten. This is simply twisted logic; on the downhill slope there are Gonorrhea, genital warts and chlamydia, the latter of which can be cured with medication in about two weeks.

Now back to the action: Did you bring a condom? No?? Good for you! This just increases the likelihood of the afore-mentioned weird burning sensations and having a child for free. If you look on any sidewalk you will see what I’m talking about: Mothers about 14 or 15 years of age tugging along what seems to be their brother or sister in a carriage. No! Wrong answer. The kid is hers and this is what the word free is all about; the chance to be free, to not listen to anybody of authority, to fly like a bird without stupid things like parents and responsibility and school and things like that; to get a GED and go where no one has gone before, hopefully to beauty school and a cool house in the ‘burbs with a gnarly truck and some jet skis. Or maybe you’ll actually wake up in a bad dream and realize you’ve joined the Army while some drill sergeant is breathing down your neck and it smells like B.O. Later you realize you have actually grown up (this actually happened, though it was Air Force) and that you are now a productive member of society. Right now you’re just reading this guide.

Double Up, Buttercup
Some are even able to have two or perhaps three children at one time, but they’ve really hit the lotto then and that subject can be prefaced in a later edition of, “So, You’re The Lucky One To Have Twins: A Guide To Hitting The Birthing Jackpot,” coming out in stores near you sometime in the next decade. Remember, doting fathers-to-be: Twins means you already have two of five starters for the basketball team you will be coaching, which in layman’s terms is a 40 percent chance of success, particularly if your last name is . (You can fill in the blanks here; I’m sure everyone knows of some twins who just kicked ass on some sports field. More about this supposed phenomenon later; I personally guarantee you will hear more about the Bros. Before this decade is done) I know they helped me on the soccer pitch and I wasn’t even their father, though I was their coach!! Outstanding!!! And that’s the other thing about free, or the meaning of the word. You can take advantage of the opportunity that has been set before you. If you are fortunate to have triplets, man, you’ve got it made! Not only do you have the house cleaning licked (Mom + Dad + Triplets divided by 5 rooms in Home Sweet Home = 1, or E=MCÃ?²) but you also have approximately one-third of a soccer team, which in this day and age is so important to the success of the Little Strikers, or whatever the soccer moms have decided to call the team. (More on this phenomenon, too in later chapters) For now your team is just building, but stay patient: there are many other ways in which you, too can build up your side.

ABOUT $1 USD
In some places on Earth there are actually business people (in the U.S. we refer to them as surrogate mothers) who for a nominal fee will supply their egg, etc. for about $1 USD. In the U.S. it’s surprisingly higher but we’ll tackle that later in the guide. In other lands, however, you will see the businesswomen waiting on street corners, sometimes in packs and hanging out in outfits that look like something I wasn’t supposed to see out of the corner of my eye when I was little and my mom went screaming and running for her bedroom. EwwwâÂ?¦Icky! One dollar US is about four million in basically any other currency and you would be surprised how often this takes place. People in other parts of the globe (other than the Middle East, where you’d likely be put to death for LOOKING THAT SEXY) actually esteem hookers as benefits to the industry and many call girls actually move on to more lucrative jobs later in life.

Think about it: Either you can pay thousands of dollars for an egg that may have been supplied by an MIT grad (or, a homeless person, but more on that later) or you can just pay $1US, whistle at some broad on any street corner and take away the chances of not knowing if the egg supplied, A. comes from an ugly woman who is a straight-A student; B. is not actually from a woman but a mutant extra-terrestrial from another land, like Greenland; or C. has something wrong with it and the kid comes out with three arms and two legs. But just imagine the possibilities of a child with three arms! Now that’s a basketball team!!
Also, if you can see the hooker, or businessperson in advance of your purchase, you are taking away the possibility of not knowing if your child will look like Kermit the Frog.

LOTS OF MONEY
For about $1000 USD, you can actually recruit the person you want to be the mother of your child. This is a long, drawn-out process that requires lots of paperwork, lots of signatures and lots of money. It seems that anything requiring lots of paperwork and lots of signatures always means lots of money, which is why I don’t recommend this approach at all. Also, have you seen the pictures of some surrogate mothers on TV? Yikes!! No offense, but the surrogate mother of Baby M, as she was called, was not exactly a 10, if you know what I mean. She had a distinct resemblance to my uncle, which is not a compliment. He had lots of facial hair and about three teeth. The bottom line to this approach is that you sign on the dotted line about 10 times and presto! Instant baby!! It’s just that simple. Here’s how to orderâÂ?¦

A TON OF FREAKIN’ MONEY!
These things are way expensive, but from what I understand, they are worth every penny. It’s kind of like recruiting a sports team, in that you have options and you can exercise them. You don’t have to wait for the child to pop out of mom’s belly, in fact, you can pretty much pick up a child for a ton of freakin’ money whenever you feel the need.

Let’s say, for example, that your name is Brad and you are in a Third World country somewhere in Africa on a recruiting trip. You know, from past experience, that this kind of thing can be very tricky, yet you have experience in this type of thing. You’ve already had some luck in Asia and you know what you’re doing. I’m trying to be vague so I don’t get sued for a bazillion dollars so try and follow along. If you’ve done this kind of thing before you know what I’m getting at. I know this one guy named Steve who is a successful soccer coach not because of his ability as a coach but his ability as a recruiter. Every time I turn around he’s gone out, spent tons of freakin’ money and got some new hotshot player from some other country who’s scoring goals left and right (true story!!) Now I’m not saying go out and recruit some kids in other countries who have a good left foot and can bend it like Becks, but I’m not saying you shouldn’t either, if you get my drift. Either way, with a ton of freakin’ money you can be the talk of your neighborhood, the local basketball or soccer leagues and the gun club with your newfound bundle of joy who weighs in at about 250 and stands 6’10”. Did I mention he’s a rifle marksman, too?

IN SUM
In regards to children, there is no money-back guarantee. If there were such a thing, the minute Junior got into trouble, his ass would be shipped off to live with another family, lickety-split. And you best believe we as parents wouldn’t be seeing kids mouth off as often, since the repercussions of such an act would result in a sign-and-trade, much like the one the Yankees just did, in which two players they didn’t like were sent to another team for two players they were madly in love with. In that case you could just trade up in order to get value for your transaction. But in all seriousness, kids are not play things, yet at times they seem to be treated that way. I found out the hard way that kids are, in fact, wonderful yet expensive. But in the end, and with all honesty, the road you take to get your child is worth every penny, whether you get him or her for free or pay a ton of freakin’ money.