Caring for Your Child When Going Through a Divorce

Marriage between a loving couple is a beautiful thing. There is romance and shared views, excitement and balance. Don’t get me wrong. Even the happiest of couples have their share of disagreements, but it’s the ability to pull back together afterwards that keeps this team strong.

The marriage between two people who have drifted apart or who argue without end, don’t see eye-to-eye or simply don’t feel the love for each other may bring that couple to the point of divorce. Okay, so when it’s just the adults involved, we know there will be an array of emotions that each experience from anger and sadness to fear and depression. This is a lot for a healthy adult to handle.

Now, what happens when we add a child or children into the mix? Not only must the parents take care of their own needs during separation and divorce, they must give focus to their children. How does a parent care for children when their life is changing so drastically and emotions are difficult to manage? What is happening from the child’s point of view?

Concerns
There are several concerns for a child in the family when a divorce occurs. First of all, there is the initial worry of how to tell the child. Depending on the age, a child will understand what is taking place in the family with a different level of understanding. So, when a 3 year-old learns that Daddy is moving out, and Mom and Dad are not going to be married anymore, the 3 year-old will recognize the changes happening but not as deeply as the 13 year-old experiences the change. Also, depending on the age and circumstances, the child might wonder what part they had to play in Mom and Dad not being together anymore. “It is my fault. I wasn’t as good as I needed to be.” Or, “If I only tried harder to stop Mom and Dad’s arguing, things would be different.”

“How will my child adjust to this change? I’ve heard that children will never get over their parents divorce,” exclaimed Jane to her friend. It is true that divorce is not easy for children. It is true that when parents divorce, it causes a child to see things differently and to have multiple emotional reactions. It is true that children start to questions whether or not they are going to be okay. It is true, though, that in most situations, no matter what happened in the family to cause the parents to divorce the child will still experience love for each parent.

The occurrence of emotional problems is always a concern of parents. There must first be an understanding of what emotional reactions are to be expected and which ones are reaching outside of the boundaries of normal. It is normal for a child to experience and display sadness, anger, confusion, fear, hurt, self-blame as well as many other emotions. What becomes abnormal is when the emotional responses grow to the point where the child physically hurts himself or others, harms animals and/or becomes destructive to his things or the property of others. When parents take precautions and when supports are put in place, these extreme behaviors are usually avoided.

Depending on the circumstances, there may be feelings of relief experienced by the child. Sometimes when the parents were together the child felt the anger, pain and resentment that the parents had towards each other. After the divorce, the child is not exposed to that negative relationship and can actually feel good to see that Dad is happier or Mom seems to smile more.
The question always comes down to, “What can I do as a divorced parent to take the best care of my child/children and to make sure that they are able to deal with their parents splitting up?”

Here are 10 Big Tips for the parents (loved ones) with that question:

1. Whenever possible, both parents should tell the child or children about the separation and/or divorce together. This gives the parents the opportunity to give the same information to the children and leaves no room for “he said, she said” conversations. Telling the children together allows the parents to give them the message that it’s important to talk about their feelings, and that it is okay to talk to each parent. This also allows the parents to express their love for the children, and that the ending of the marriage was the responsibility of the adults and was not the children’s fault.

2. The parents should neverâÂ?¦EVERâÂ?¦talk poorly about the other in front of, within earshot or while in the same building as the child. This only creates confusion because there is still love for both parents by the child. The parents may need to hold these conversations in order to deal with their own emotions. But the words should be heard only by the adult’s support person (e.g., family member, close friend, therapist, etc.). The child, even if he’s an understanding teen, should not be that support person.

3. Be sure to inform the important people in your child’s life about the family’s circumstances. A teacher, daycare provider, close friends parents, and others that you may identify should know so that they can understand why behaviors or moods might be different. These people are the ones who can give you useful information about your child’s interactions with other children and/or if he begins to isolate. With this information, you will be able to get a better idea of how the divorce is affecting your child and will let you know if extended help is needed, such as having a talk with a counselor.

4. Keeping clear communication during the divorce and afterwards is key, although, understandably difficult at times. A child feels a good level of personal safety when Mom and Dad know the specifics of his/her school program, after-school activities and other details. There is never a concern for not being picked up because “Mom forgot it was her day,” or Dad had to work late and didn’t communicate that someone else needed to pick up Johnny from soccer practice. The child needs to know that he can count on the adults for these things. It is the adult’s responsibility to take care of the child by keeping schedules straight. Along those lines, the child is never to be the go-between to carry messages from one parent to the other.

5. Strengthen the support systems for the entire family. Have friends over for dinner or a play-date. Find a local support group for children and families of divorce. Keep in good contact with relatives. With these and other support systems, the children will have more outlets for dealing with their experience. They will also have interactions that show they are still loved and are not being judged for their parent’s divorce. They are going to be okay.

6. Keep involved in the activities that were “normal” before the divorce. Continue attending church or synagogue. Continue the sports activities or music lessons. Continue going to the park together and feed the ducks. Children need to experience that the world is okay, and these normal activities will help them to feel more stable.

7. Maintain the structure or routine of daily life. Of course, the ideal would be that the daily routine in Mom’s house would be the same as in Dad’s house. I don’t know the statistics, but I am sure that doesn’t occur often. The parent needs to do the best he or she can during the time that the child is in their home. This means that if the rule is for homework to be done before playing, then that rule is kept. If the child must ask to be excused from the table when finished eating, then support that practice. When bedtime comes, the routine is followed. When the words from the child are, “Well, Dad doesn’t make me brush my teeth at night,” then the response needs to be something like, “It is important for you to brush your teeth at night. When you are here, I would like for you to take care of your teeth.” Remember, no bad-talking about Dad. Just point out the importance of healthy habits.

8. When your child needs to talkâÂ?¦listen. Especially with teens, the “I need to talk” times come fewer and further between than when the child is age 5 or 9. No matter what the age of your young one, remember that they need you to be available to them. Try to put what you are doing aside, turn down the television, or do what it takes to focus on the words of the child. Please know that there are boundaries to this. I mean, sometimes the child might insist on having your attention day-in and day-out, from when you are talking on the phone with his teacher to when you are taking a shower. There needs to be guidelines, but for the most part, recognize the importance of the parent-child connection.

9. When you feel like you need it, ask for help. It is normal for people to run into situations that are just plain difficult, and it should never be expected to take care of things by themselves. How do you feel when someone you love asks for help? Usually, your first response is to be there to fill the need. Know that when it is your time to ask for help, there is always someone who would jump at the chance to relieve some of your stress. As a divorced parent, you will experience these times of need, and it is important (I cannot emphasize enough!) to not shy away from those who want to support you.

10. Take care of yourself, keep healthy and practice relaxation. Your child will only benefit more when you are in your best shape. You will enjoy the time with your family more when you are feeling in good physical and emotional health.

Seeking Help
There are many books and websites available for people who are going through a divorce or who have already gone through a divorce. I would suggest Googling “divorce, parents, children.” The information that comes up is extremely useful. Also, through Amazon.com you can find some excellent books that help to explain to children what divorce is, what to expect, and that they will be okay.

Counseling for yourself and/or your child may be helpful if there seems to be difficulties handling the divorce. One suggestion is to go to your county’s mental health program for local resources. There are several kinds of counselors or therapists that can be useful in your situation (Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Marriage Family Therapists, Clergy members, etc.). It is up to you to choose who you are most comfortable with, no matter what their credentials. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who is available for counseling anyone with internet access at www.mytherapynet.com. There are well over 100 therapists available on that site who are ready to be of assistance when it is convenient for you.

Remember, you are not alone. For you to read through this article shows that you are ready and willing to do what it takes to ensure your child’s wellbeing. Ask for help from others and know that within yourself you have the ability to help your child to get through the stress of their parents divorce.