Chapstick: A Product Review

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but it was definitely sometime in my early childhood. Somewhere in the late elementary school/early middle school years I became physically and mentally addicted to chapstick. My name is Tyler, and I’m a chap-olohic.

Since an early age I have been unable to leave my house without having a Chapstick brand product on my person. I put the chapstick on my nightstand next to my bed when I go to sleep, so it’s handy for any middle of the night lip-chapping, and I put it back in my pocket every morning after I get dressed. Should, by some dramatic freak occurrence, I forget the chapstick when I leave my house, then I immediately check the center console of my car where I usually keep a spare. Should there be no spare, and then I begin to figure out when and where I will stop to purchase a chapstick.

Chapstick is a simple product: 7.5% octinoxate, 3.5% oxybenzone, 40.7% white petroleum, and a mysterious 48.3% unlisted, yet as long as that 48.3% is an “inactive ingredient” then I’m not worried. Not only does it prevent the extremely painful chapping of lips, but it also prevents sunburn and can be used as emergency sun block for the nose and face. Carrying a chapstick provides me comfort, particularly in the face of impending weather. Storm coming? Getting windy? Well, at least I have my chapstick.

This is less of an endorsement than a confession. Some say that chapstick is addictive, that of you never used it then you wouldn’t need it, but if you use it frequently then your lips start to crave it. While I guess there is possibly some truth in this, I find it hard to believe that my lips are such advanced drug addicts. I think I need it because of wind, dryness, and so when that supermodel unexpectedly kisses me she’ll be greeted by a pair of soft and moisturized lips.

Sure, I occasionally have my doubts and insecurities about my chapstick use. It is a product that resembles lipstick, and at times I feel that using it is slightly effeminate. When I apply chapstick I try to look as manly as possible, but there’s something about the process of applying balm to your lips doesn’t exactly connote toughness. Imagine Clint Eastwood coating his lips with chapstick before a gunfight; doesn’t quite sit right. But still, I would rather eliminate the fear of having chapped lips than worry about judgmental glances from onlookers.