Christmas ‘Falls’ Upon Us Earlier and Earlier
In journalism the term evergreen refers to a story that is not time-sensitive. In holiday terms, it should not mean the same thing. Yet, evergreens representing the December holiday are being planted in living rooms and showrooms earlier and earlier each year.
I can deal with Christmas in July. One hot summer day with a Baywatch hunk wearing nothing but a red thong bottom and a Santa hat passing out gifts can be fun. But, Christmas in October and November I cannot handle.
I love Christmas. But Jesus, can’t we wait? I also love the fall and everything about it. I like oak and maple trees and the brilliant colors they and other decidious trees turn this time of year. But how the hell can I see the lovely foliage? Their beauty is blinded by the bright lights already strung around their coniferous cousins. I like Frosty, Rudolph, Mrs. Claus and her gift-giving hubby. But why must they steal the thunder of folks like Sacajawea? (And anyway- aren’t they worried that this warm fall will melt Frosty? I mean- Hello!)
Picture this. Sunday 10/27 I munch on M&Ms- not orange and black ones and not the kind in a pumpkin-colored wrapper. No, these were red, green and white in a bag with the M&M guys having a snowball fight. Monday, 10/28 while driving home from school I flip through the radio stations and stumble upon the TransSiberian Orchestra. I let it go thinking the automation system messed up. But there was another, and another. I refused to sing along with “Sleigh Ride” because folks, for the record we cannot sleigh without snow. I refused to deck my walls with bows of holly and no, Santa is not due in town for a month, so of course he isn’t coming. Turns out Oldies 92.1 is now dubbed ‘The Christmas Station,’ a publicity stunt I hope and not a new, year-long format. I finally turn the station, but made a mistake by also turning my head. To my left was the perfect complement to the music I just heard- not just a reindeer but a massive yard full of glowing, life-size Christmas characters. Then, as if on cue, from my radio I heard Mark Butler from Ollies Bargain Outlet say his usual, “Folks, I never met anyone who didn’t love a bargain” before he began talking about the Christmas closeouts he and his Ollie’s elves have been collecting all year. Why me?
The M&Ms I spoke of earlier were from a candy warehouse that my boyfriend sometimes visits during work. That is where EVERYTHING Christmas should be kept- in a big warehouse with a big freakin’ bow and a tag that says, “Don’t open until at least freakin’ December!”
