Church Etiquette and Dress Code
HOW SHOULD I DRESS?
In a vast majority of Christian churches – Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox – common sense prevails. Something a little nicer than jeans and sneakers is the norm, and a nice suit for men or dress for women is quite tasteful, but even something a little more casual is perfectly fine. Some churches are intentional about “come as you are” worship, jeans, sneakers and all; some affluent congregations “dress to the nines.” But otherwise, assume anything from casual dress to a suit or skirt is acceptable.
Having said that, however, there are some kinds of churches with a more stringent “dress code”:
Men – In Conservative and Orthodox Jewish congregations, men are expected to wear a yarmulke (skullcap) and prayer shawl. These are often available for use in the synagogue itself.
– In United Pentecostal Churches, men are expected to wear long sleeves, and no jewelry – not even a wedding ring.
Women – In some very tradititional Catholic and Orthodox churches (these are few, outside the mainstream of their own tradition), women are expected to wear dresses with skirts below the knees; heads are to be veiled (hats can be worn instead; veils are sometimes available for use in the narthex, or entryway, of the church); shoulders are not to be bare. In Mormon churches, women are expected to wear very conservative dresses with ankle-length skirts.
Again, these stricter guidelines are exceptions. In the vast majority of Christian churches, common sense is the prevailing guideline. It is best not to look slovenly, and one should avoid clothing with offensive or suggestive messages; beyond that, don’t sweat the dress code.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
In most churches, only yourself. Some conservative Protestant churches encourage members to bring Bibles to worship, but they should have plenty of spares to lend visitors if it is their desire for you to have one for use during the service.
There is never a “fee” to attend worship at a Christian church! Most churches will collect an offering during the service, but contributing is voluntary, especially for visitors. It is not unusual for worshipers to decline to place an offering in the plate, and you will not stand out if you don’t; but if you would like to, you are more than welcome.
Sometimes a church will have a pot-luck meal following the service. Even though you did not prepare a dish to contribute, you will likely be more than welcome to stay. Most congregations want to show hospitality to visitors.
HOW DO I “CHECK IN?”
When you arrive at a church, find the sanctuary (worship space). Some churches will have ushers to greet you, hand you a bulletin, and seat you. Don’t be shy about telling the usher where you would prefer to sit. Other churches simply permit worshipers to seat themselves. If you are early, you might wish to browse the bulletin, the worship book, etc. to get a feel for what the service will be like, what this church teaches, how they live their common life together, etc. You may also pray. It is best to keep silent, allowing other worshipers to pray, and to show respect for God, or at least for the congregation’s belief that God is present, even if you do not share that belief.
HOW DO I FOLLOW ALONG WITH THE SERVICE?
There is a lot of diversity in Christian worship, and it is not easy to answer this question in one breath.
In recent years, many congregations have become more sensitive to the fact that visitors may not be familiar with their liturgy (order of worship), so “user-friendly” bulletins are published with most of the service printed out (occasionally, you may have to look a hymn up in a hymn-book). Sometimes, though, page numbers are indicated in the bulletin for different parts of the service. This can mean a certain amount of book-juggling and page-flipping that can be frustrating for visitors.
If you feel “lost” during the service, ask a fellow worshiper nearby to assist you. Failing that, it’s perfectly fine to pray silently while the rest of the congregation prays aloud; that will be more comfortable for you than frantically flipping pages! No one will judge you for this; in fact, it’s likely no one will even notice! If you choose to worship again with this congregation, you will be surprised at how quickly you will learn the liturgy.
Some churches emphasize “contemporary worship,” singing repetitive praise songs that are easy to learn, often using power-point or projection screens. Such churches do not rely on worship books or formal liturgy much at all. While this style of worship has its own shortcomings, it is easy for a first-time visitor to adjust to it.
In most Roman Catholic churches, there is an unspoken assumption that worshipers already know the Mass, and guides to following the liturgy are scant. Lutherans and Episcopal visitors to a Roman Catholic Mass will find much familiar from their own services, however, and may feel perfectly able to participate in the prayers. Others may simply have to pray silently along with the congregation.
Eastern Orthodox services are quite complex, and though some Orthodox services do their best to provide worship aids, the liturgy is still difficult to follow, justbecause there is so much going on. You will find that the choir members are the most active worshipers, and the rest of the congregation may be as quiet as you are, often going in and out with their own participation! You will also find many prayers are prayed repetitiously (“Lord, have mercy,” “Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal, have mercy on us”) and you can quickly catch on to those parts of the liturgy if you pay attention.
“AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?”
Christian worship is marked by a variety of liturgical gestures and worship postures. These vary a lot between denominations, and it can be intimidating to feel “peer pressure” from other worshipers to adopt a gesture if you are uncertain of its meaning. Below I give a brief explanation of some worship customs and their meanings. BOTTOM LINE: Do not feel pressured to adopt a gesture or action you are uncertain of, or uncomfortable with. Most worshipers will respect your “otherness.”
Candles: Some liturgical churches will have candles in the sanctuary or narthex that can be lit (usually requesting a nominal contribution to cover the cost of the candle). One usually does this while praying a prayer for a special concern, and the light from the candle symbolizes the enlightening power of prayer. This is entirely optional, and most worshipers will not do this every time they come to church.
Kissing Icons: Icons are religious paintings of Christ, the Virgin Mary, saints or biblical scenes, common in Orthodox Churches. In an Orthodox Church, you will see worshipers bowing, crossing, and kissing icons. Orthodox Christians use icons as a “window into heaven,” an image to focus their thoughts of Jesus as they worship Him, or the saints as they honor them. It is not much different than kissing a picture of your spouse while you are apart. Visitors are welcome to do this, but by no means is it required or expected.
Making the Sign of the Cross: In liturgical churches, worshipers make the sign of the cross with their hand over their body. This is a physical act of prayer that reminds them that they have been baptized, and are marked with the cross of Christ. This physical prayer is used to re-inforce verbal prayer. While members of certain churches are encouraged to make the sign of the cross, visitors should feel free not to if they are uncomfortable with this gesture. The sign of the cross is made at various times of the service, such as the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and when receiving Holy Communion.
Western fashion (Roman Catholic, Episcopal, Lutheran ) With an open palm, trace a cross from forehead to center of chest, to left shoulder to right shoulder.
Eastern fashion (Orthodox) Thumb, index finger, and middle finger are clustered together, ring finger and pinky are held to the palm. Trace a cross from forehead to center of chest, right shoulder to left shoulder.
Hands raised in praise: This gesture is common in Pentecostal and charismatic churches. It sympolizes hands raised to heaven, ready to receive what God has to pour out, namely His Holy Spirit. Anyone is welcome to participate in this gesture, but should not feel put upon to do so if it does not feel authentic.
Speaking in tongues: This is a phenomenon in many Pentecostal and charismatic churches, in which worshipers are caught up in the rapture of worship, and begin to speak in an unknown vocabulary. It is not common in most other Christian churches. Theoretically, there should be another person in the congregation who is able to interpret what was said. This is a very difficult phenomenon to understand for those unfamiliar with it, and since I myself don’t have much experience with it, I’m reluctant to say too much. It is best simply to observe respectfully, if is it should happen in a church you visit.
Spontaneous responses from worshipers: This is common in Pentecostal and African-American Gospel traditions. In some ways, it’s a milder version of speaking in tongues. Worshipers are so moved by something said in a sermon or prayer, that they respond with a shout of “Alleluia!” Amen!” “Yes, Lord,” or “Well…” Again, one only needs to participate in this way if they genuinely feel so moved to do.
Kneeling and Standing for prayer: Kneeling is a common posture for prayer in some churches, not so much in other churches. To my knowledge, however, all Christian traditions recognize the value of it in some way or another, so if you are a Christian visiting another Christian church, it is advisable to kneel as the congregation kneels.
If you are not Christian, or do not share the congregations beliefs, and do not wish to pray with them, it is best to sit while they kneel, as kneeling is a posture of prayer. However, when the congregation stands, it is best to stand with them, whether you are praying with them or not, since standing can be simply a posture of respect, in addition to being a posture of prayer. Remaining seated while the congregation stands could be interpreted as being disrespectful.
In most places, it goes without saying that those whose physical health limits them are excused from standing or kneeling.
While I would not want to suggest that anyone should stifle a form of piety that is meaningful for them, you should probably gauge it’s appropriateness in a different congregation. For example, making the sign of the cross is simply not done in a fundamentalist Baptist congregation, and may even be offensive to worshipers there (it is not commonly done in a United Methodist congregaton either, but probably would not meet with offense, as this tradition is not so typically “anti-Catholic.”) Similarly, spontaneous shouts of “Amen!” are not the done thing in a high-church Episcopal parish, and may cause discomfort for worshipers there. You should balance your own piety with a concern for those who worship around you. Be observant; if possible, do your homework on the tradition of the congregation you will be visiting. Be willing to worship a little differently than what you may be used to.
WHAT ABOUT COMMUNION?
Holy Communion is the sacrament, or rite, in which Christians receive bread and wine together, believing it to be the body and blood of Christ (most Christians believe this literally; some believe it only symbolically). The practices and beliefs surrounding Holy Communion differ greatly, and so do the standards of who may commune. At a minimum, it should be assumed that one must be a baptized and believing Christian to commune, since this act implies (and, some believe, creates) intimacy with Christ. To participate in it without believing it would lack integrity, and would be a source of concern for that religious community. It is important that non-Christian visitors to a Christian church respect this limit.
In addition, some churches practice “closed communion,” in which only members of that denomination are to receive communion in that Church.
Churches that practice open communion, communing all baptized Christians include: most Protestant denominations except Missouri and Wisconsin Synod Lutherans (ELCA Lutherans practice open communion). It should be noted that the Episcopal Church practices open communion, a question some might raise because of the rather “Catholic-like” atmosphere in many Episcopal churches.
Churches that practice closed communion, communing only their own members, include: Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Missouri and Wisconsin Synod Lutherans. When visiting a Lutheran church, you should be aware of which Lutheran denomination it is affiliated with, and whether they practice “open” or “closed” communion. Often there will be an indication in the bulletin.
It is understandable that a visitor might take offense at not being invited to commune. However, this should not be seen as a lack of hospitality, but a concern for the integrity of that church’s most sacred ritual. Conversation with the pastor or priest at a later date might be appropriate, but you should never take it upon yourself to “break the rules.”
The logistics of taking communion can be varied as well. Many Protestant congregations will distribute communion to worshipers in their seats, while Lutherans and Episcopalians will go forward and either stand before the communion ministers or kneel at the altar rail to receive communion.
Also, it is common in many Reformed Protestant churches to use grape juice. Members of these churches who visit a Lutheran or Episcopal church should be advised that the latter use real alcoholic wine, and not to be caught off guard by that.
WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN IN CHURCH?
A healthy congregation welcomes children and knows they are an important part of their common life. I wish I could honestly say that small, active children will always be warmly welcome, but the reality is that you will find a grumpy worshiper here or there who leaves you with a distasteful scowl of indignation, because your kids are behaving like – well – kids.
If that should happen to you, take heart that most worshipers welcomed your children. Keep it in perspective, realize that it wasn’t the whole congregation that was unwelcoming, just that one person.
Many congregations schedule Sunday School at the same time as worship. Others have a nursery available, or a “kid’s church” activity that children can attend while parents are in worship. Some churches have a “cry room,” in which parents may sit and observe the service while their infants fuss.
All these accomodations are concessions that help ease the distress of small children, the anxiety of their parents, and the agitation of fellow worshipers. Ideally, however, children should be encouraged to participate in worship, and adult worshipers should be disciplined to welcome them, short attention spans at all. You should feel free to bring your children to worship. You might have to simply use your judgment as to how long they should be encouraged to remain, and when it might be an act of kindness to fellow worshipers to find the nursery, and alternative activity for them – sometimes just stepping out into the narthex for a few minutes helps them to blow off some steam.
It is a good idea for younger children to bring a bag of distractions – crayons and coloring books, silent toys (e.g., stuffed animals), modest snacks (cheerios, etc. – nothing they will go too crazy over, or that will make a huge mess.) Some churches even provide such kits for young worshipers. School-age children, however, should be encouraged to pay attention and participate.
A sticky question arises when it comes to communing young children. Some churches commune infants once they are baptized, while others hold off until adolescent confirmation. If you have young children who commune in your own church, you should discuss this with the pastor of the church you visit beforehand, so that neither the pastor, your children, or you are caught off guard when they present themselves to receive communion. Many pastors will honor the arrangement you have with your own church, even if it is exceptional in their church. Others may simply say “no.” While it can hurt to hear this, the pastor is responsible for the descisions made in his or her own church, and that must be honored.
WHAT ABOUT AFTER THE SERVICE?
Many churches have a coffee hour or even a meal following the service. You should assume you are welcome to stay! If anything, members will be disappointed you left before they had an opportunity to welcome you. It may be the case that people don’t introduce themselves to you like they should, only because they are creatures of habit, and get caught up in conversation with “the usual crowd.” If you take a moment to introduce yourself to someone, it is likely they will be quite happy to chat with you.
If you have difficulty with the church’s teachings or practices, this is not really the time to bring it up. After all, this is “family dinner” for the congregation. It would be better to make arrangements to speak with the pastor at a later date.
Also, do not assume, or be afraid, that people will want to engage in a lot of “God-talk” over coffee. These are people who have all kinds of interests – sports, politics, woodworking, etc. Just be at home with them!
I hope this helps ease you as you cross the stained-glass threshold. See you Sunday!
