Coming Out and Knowing When to Wait
I was recently reading through some old journals I kept when I was younger. In one, I was saying how I liked some of the girls in my middle school classes and thought they were very attractive. A few paragraphs later, I was saying I wasn’t interested in guys. But then, on the next page I said I wouldn’t ever like any of my friends in a sexual way, because all my friends were girls, and then I would be a lesbian, which would be wrong. I find the whole entry rather humorous now. It truly shows though, that you must first come out to yourself.
I knew I was different when I was in elementary school. I never really thought I’d be married. When sex education came along, I knew I would never do anything they were describing to me. When my mother gave me “the talk”, I told her that no man would ever put his penis in my vagina. To this day, I stand correct.
Despite knowing I never wanted to be with a man, and knowing that I was attracted to women, I never considered myself a lesbian before college. When I was 19, I struggled with feeling that I might be a lesbian. A few months later, I came to accept and love myself for who I was.
Immediately, I wanted to tell everyone. But I knew I lived in a very homophobic household. So before I ran out shouting off mountaintops, I thought it through a bit. If you have friends who are very accepting people, I recommend starting out there. The first friend I told was another college student. She was always telling me about being accepting of those different from yourself. I knew she would be safe. I told her about my feelings and how I was finally sure, and she was proud of me. I later told a few other close friends who I knew were accepting.
At this point, I only have one person who I would consider a friend, who I have not yet come out to. This friend is very homophobic and is also a close friend with other members of my family. An important thing to consider when coming out to friends, is their reaction. If friends are already very accepting, their reaction will most likely be positive. But those who are not accepting are not at fault. In our culture, we are not generally taught to accept gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered persons. I do not believe that my friend would stop caring about me if she knew that I was a lesbian, but I do believe that initially she would be hurt. Initially, she may also react in telling others who I do not yet want to come out to. For this reason, I have considered that it would be best not to hurt her without giving her some preparation. I want to test the waters a bit and see what her reactions are to some issues, why she feels how she does, and I also would like to first come out to family members she is close to, so that they are not surprised if she were to tell them she was worried about me. It is a bit selfish not to consider how your friend will react. I cannot put her at fault for being homophobic. She was raised that way, as was I. She also believes that she does not know anyone from the GLBT community, so she is not saying anything hurtful from personal experience. I know that if put tactfully, she will accept my coming out and will not be ashamed to have me as a friend. Until I know that she is prepared however, it is best if I wait.
After you have come out to a few close friends, you may want others to know as well. What about the people you go to school with? In this case, I found that for me this was not so difficult. I hardly know anyone in college, despite having been a student for the past 3 years. So if anyone asks, I gladly volunteer the information and do not generally feel at risk. This may vary by school and area. If you do not feel safe coming out on campus, don’t push yourself. Last year I went to the coming out ceremony our campus holds and was too nervous to say anything. No one was upset with me. This year, I will probably say a few words if I attend.
In volunteer activities and work, you may also wish to come out and be accepted for who you are. But there may be consequences. In volunteer activities, I am not afraid to come out. If I am doing work for free in an environment that is supposed to be safe, I am going to be myself. If people do not accept who I am, they also do not have to accept my help. However, in the workplace it can depend on where you are working and how long you have been there. When I worked in at a Christian tutoring job, it would have been really hard to be open about who I was. Straight people talked about who they were dating, but I was hardly able to pretend I was a Christian to keep the job. I needed the job and could not afford to be fired. But even when I was hired for an office job where there was an openly gay supervisor, I was not going to come out. I had not worked there for long enough to be confident that I would not be fired. An office setting also requires teamwork, where you do not want your coworkers to be against you. So I tried my best to hide and avoid the rumors in order to keep my job.
There are some jobs that just don’t even present an opportunity to come out. Generally, I don’t just tell people I am a lesbian unless they ask. If someone asked me if I had a boyfriend, I would politely tell them that I did not, but that I do have a girlfriend. Back when I was a mobile photographer, I was working with different people at different locations. There was really no need to say anything to anyone. In this case, I think it would have been kind of rude to say anything. It would have been rude for a straight woman to tell people about her boyfriend as well.
Other jobs will tell you all about how tolerant they are. These jobs have policies about discrimination. I currently work in a department store with a policy saying that they do not discriminate based on sexual orientation. In this case, you have to remember that a policy is one thing, and keeping your job when you are fairly new is another. If you wait until you have been with the company awhile, it will be harder to fire you. At this point, you can come out. Until then, you may be fired and it will be hard to prove that it was because you were out of the closet. It is rather unfortunate, but certain fields just do not accept people from the GLBT community no matter what their policies say.
Friends, school, and jobs may all be important, but what about coming out to your family? To me, this depends on a few factors. First of all, I want to be able to do this tactfully. I do not want to be running out of the house screaming that I’m a lesbian and they just need to deal with it or I’m leaving. But at the same time, it is important to keep timing in mind. I live in a family that has specifically told me I would be kicked out of the family if I were to get pregnant, be gay, or do drugs. They don’t joke around and have actually kicked out family members. While I cannot be certain that I would be abolished from the family, I certainly do not want to try this while I still need to live under their roof in order to continue my college education. It is important to remember that many people have been kicked out. If you are in a homophobic family, make sure you have another plan if your family is not accepting when you come out. I personally plan to wait to come out. Once I have left the house and have been out for awhile, I will finally share with them. I know it will be hard for them either way, but I do not wish to make the process even harder by being kicked out onto the streets.
Use your best judgment when deciding who to come out to. If the consequences will be too great at this time should there be an adverse reaction, wait for a better opportunity. Always be tactful and considerate when coming out. Do not blame your friend or family member if they are not understanding, this is the way that their culture taught them to be. Remember that at one point, you had to come out to yourself. Think about how difficult this was for you to accept. Most friends and family members will probably not accept this news easily. Once those you have come out to do accept you however, you have made it easier for anyone in the future who may come out to this individuals. They will be more understanding people because you took care in coming out tactfully.
