Confessions of a Janitor: What Really Happens When You Leave Your Office

For many years, I worked as a janitor. Regardless of the industry in which you work, things can be learned from any job, and this was no exception. After leaving my first janitorial job, I went to a company that would actually pay for my expertise, and ended up as a crew manager. While this was exciting when it happened, I could see that I wasn’t headed anywhere I really wanted to go. However, I found out some interesting things from my staff along the way. This is for all of you out there who wonder what the janitor does in your office when you go home for night, and for all of you janitors who thought about it, but never acted on it.

The first crews that I managed were groups of men and women that traveled around the state cleaning various banks, insurance offices, schools, and the occasional construction site clean-up. My job was easy, the only thing I had to do was drive from job site to job site during work hours and check in on the crew working the building. However, a part of my job was to remain unseen for a part of my visit to watch for stealing. (Surprisingly, I didn’t find any, at least not with this group.) I would discreetly watch these people, note anything notable, and step out to say hello. During one such visit, I watched a janitor in an insurance office wipe the toilet, clean the water fountain, and then start wiping down desks, all with the same rag. The worst part about this was that I had held the cross contamination in-service myself. These people were certified in preventing the spread of infection. When questioned, the employee laughed, and told me that she really disliked the people in this office. She was supposed to be fired, but threatened a discrimination lawsuit, (against what? Germs? I don’t know) and was still cleaning desks with toilet rags the last that I knew. (And coffee stations, telephones…The list goes on and on.)

Most of the people that worked under me weren’t thieves. They were the candy snatchers, the pen grabbers, and the occasional paper clip taker. A piece of candy isn’t a big deal to most people, and some even welcomed the crew to take what candy or pens they needed. The worst was the student who began taking office supplies, one piece at a time, until he had furnished a home office. He took trash cans, staplers, reams of printer paper, coffee mugs, promotional gifts…You name it, he took it. When discovered and reported, the man said that he wasn’t paid enough, and was simply acquiring benefits. Again, he should have been terminated, but was kept on because the customers hadn’t noticed. Yes, after furnishing his home office with stolen supplies, he not only escaped punishment, but kept his job. Doesn’t seem fair, does it?

One crew that I managed was responsible for cleaning an upper scale retail store during the early morning hours. While making my rounds to check work, I heard a rustling. This was odd, considering the hour, and I wondered if there was a mouse in the dressing room. Sighing, I went in, assuming I was about to meet an eight foot rat that wanted to crap on my clean floors. So imagine how surprised I was to find a crew member. Not a crew member who was cleaning, though. No, this one was modeling bras for the floor guy. Thankfully, I didn’t arrive any later, or I may have been in for an even nastier surprise: A pile of lingerie lay off to one side. Another day, with the same crew, I went to see why the young woman responsible for cleaning all of the mirrors in the store hadn’t done that. Why, you ask? Because she was shopping for her boyfriend. His birthday was coming, you see, and she really needed to find a great gift for him. The most disturbing part of her statement was the part that she didn’t say: She was shopping in the purse section. I thought about pointing this out to her, in order to make her admit she was lying, but decided better of it.

Another member of this retail crew always asked if he could slip out for a smoke during the shift. I was agreeable to this because we didn’t really take breaks unless it was a slow day, and because he was more agreeable if I let him go. Being a former smoker, I knew what it was like, so I didn’t hassle him. One day was a particular nightmare, and I slipped. Even though it had been several years since I quit, I needed a cigarette so bad I could taste it. So, trotting out to his car, I went to ask the crew member if I could bum one. Being fairly close friends, I just opened his passenger door and joined him without preamble. His surprised look caught my attention before I realized the car wasn’t filled with cigarette smoke. This man was getting stoned on the job. Great, I thought, and he’s the one who operates the floor machines. As I looked at him, and he looked at me that day, I realized I was in the wrong profession. (It was a very profound moment, ok? Never mind that sitting in that car made things more profound than they had been since college.) Forgetting the cigarette, I faxed my two weeks notice, and went home to make some plans. I realized it was time to get out, to do something worthwhile with my life.

So, now you know the dirty little secrets of what the cleaning people are up to when you’re not at work. Most cleaning companies have a “slap on the hand’ policy for the most egregious of errors, unless the customer becomes aware of the situation. The next time you pick up the telephone at work, take a moment to think about the cleaning crew in your office. If you don’t know them well, you may want to foster a positive relationship to avoid having your coffee pot cleaned with the same cloth as the toilet!