Coping with Divorce: A Guide for Children and Their Parents
Four of the primary issues faced by children when coping with divorce are: 1) the nature of love, 2) guilt, 3) new more grown up experiences, 4) and cynicism.
Love is wanton fondness. It is the bond between people that brings them closer together. When the bond is strong enough people get married. Sometimes, that bond falls apart.
When the bond falls apart, the reasons are debatable. Roles in relationships change year by year, month by month, golf by soap operas, cards by fourplay, and corporation by home and garden. There are lots of thngs that get in the way of a man and his wife, a woman and her husband, and their ability to keep that bond strong and sacred. Ultimately when they separate, it is because they are weak. They are weak from attempting to express their love towards each other, they are weak from negotiating over differences, and they are weak because they cannot effectively achieve any of those goals with anybody other then themselves. Whatever the reason may be, love is the most powerful force in the universe; controlling it does not only take skill, but a lot of luck as well. Not everybody is lucky in love, no matter how hard they try.
When there is a divorce, it is important for the children to avoid feeling guilty. They should cope by not taking that credit. The credit belongs to the ones who created the familiar foundation in the first place. Children who cope by retaining that guilt will suffer greatly. It may cripple them. However, by the age of 18 it will have all but vanished. If it has not, they should seek immediate medical attention. Young children who cope by holding on to that guilt should be left alone until such time. They have responsibility issues that will go away the minute they encounter their first failed love affair.
Divorces often put young adults or children in grown up situations because they are forced to cope with a challenging obstacle. They will know how to deal with it. The correct way is their way. Sometimes their methods are dangerous. They should not be. Dangerous methods are not acceptable. A dangerous method is anything that puts theirs or someone elses life in danger. Accepting the guilt is not one of them. Only physical activities can be dangerous. Mentally, they will always, always rebound no matter how long it takes. Sometimes, the time it takes depends on how much pressure they receive from grown ups to share their feelings. This increaed pressure can be very bad. Therefore, parents who are getting divorced should not try to control their children’s intelligence. Afterall, they have just effectively broken the most sacred fundamental bond in human history. Children will figure it out. They’re really just small people. If they have questions, they will ask. Concern for their well being should be expressed but not harped upon. They will learn to become an adult by confronting this grown up problem, with or without parental supervision.
When children fall into the whole created by a broken marital bond, they often receive attention from adults on a much more sophisticated level because of their loss and the adult’s concern for their well being. When this happens, it is important for the child to remain humble. Just because adults are speaking to you as if you are one of them does not necessarily mean that you are. The world has not been solved when a child has been spoken to like an adult. It is important for them not to think that they know everything. If they do, they will become cynical and their personality will suffer later in life. Avoid feeling that because you have been dealt a major blow, and learned how to cope, that there is nothing left for you to learn. Getting through a divorce is just one problem. The answer to everything else does not become crystal clear.
Although now a days common, divorce is a terrible thing. Too many people rush into marriage because they have fallen in love. If one, or both of them, are stubborn, controlling, or cynical, and not compromising, flexible, or capable of breadth, the marriage fails. It is dishonorable and it is bad. Making light of it is a good way to get over it, but children are not often able to make that adjustment and fall into the dysfunctional trap. Dysfunction is fine. It is noble, but sometimes lacks respect. It lacks respect because the result is often a child that becomes cynical. It lacks respect because the result is often a child that accepts the guilt its parents should secure for responsibly. It lacks respect because it violates the bond of marriage and brings into question the nature of love. Saying that though however, dysfunction can be very noble. It can be noble because it places a child in a awkward position that they must learn to cope with, an experience of which can later be used to cope with many more of life’s twists and turns. My advice to a child who is going through a divorce is to do your best and learn from it. Use the experience to benefit you in the future, but by no means ever assume that you have figured it all out. Humility is ultimately the prerequisite you will need to obtain that power.
