Coping with Loss – a Child’s Perspective

Coping with loss is never easy, especially for a young child. I remember my father passing away. I was at the tender age of six, and didn’t quite understand what was happening. My father was diagnosed with colon cancer in July, 1992, about a month after my sixth birthday. Of course, I had no idea what colon cancer was, or what exactly was going on. I could tell he was sick, but I had no idea of the severity of it all. The cancer had spread so much that there was no saving him. He was going to die.

My mother sent me to live with my grandmother in late July. I was rarely allowed to go home, and I missed my family. My mum came to visit about once a week, and I cried every time she left. I felt abandoned and lonely. I thought she didn’t want me anymore. What had I done wrong? As a child, I was very attached to my mother. She was my world, and without her, I was lost. Eventually, in early August, she took me home to see my father.

I was so excited and happy to be allowed home, but when I walked into that house, I knew something was terribly wrong. The man sitting on the couch wasn’t my dad. There was no smile on his face, no joy in his eyes. He looked like a skeleton. It’s amazing how quickly his body deteriorated. He was hooked to an oxygen tank, and a catheter tube ran from underneath the colorful afghan that enveloped him. My mum whispered, “Don’t be afraid.” Despite her reassurance, I remember being very frightened as I took a step closer. My mum took his thin, cold hand and told him, “Our baby’s come to see you.” My dad didn’t move, didn’t say a word. When I got close enough for him to see me, he just stared. A blank, vacant stare. I was terrified.

On the ride back to my grandmother’s house, my mum tried comforting me. “He’s very sick, sweetie. He doesn’t remember anyone.” The cancer had taken his brain, and most of the time he didn’t even know who he was. I was overcome with grief, confusion, and despair. How could he not remember me?

In August, 1992, my father passed away. At the funeral, I was not upset. I didn’t understand why everyone was crying. To me, he was merely sleeping. He would wake up and come home. Everything would be fine. As the following weeks passed, I began to realize that my dad was not coming home, and neither was I. I was still staying with my grandmother. My mother was too depressed and too financially unstable to take care of me now. I did my best to be good, to not make things worse. I went to school, helped my grandmother with the housework, and spoke to my mother on the phone nightly. My world had fallen apart.

The way a child copes with the death of a loved one is quite different than the way an adult copes with it. At such a young age, children often think of death as a temporary state, and expect the one they lost to suddenly come back, and for everything to continue as it was before. As time goes by, and the loved one doesn’t return, the child may feel abandoned. The child may feel as if he or she had done something wrong, which caused the lost loved one to leave them forever. If the person they lost was very close to them, such as a parent or grandparent, the child may show signs of intense grief. It is important to reassure the child that they did nothing wrong, and that the person they lost didn’t choose to leave them.