Coping with a Parent’s Infidelity
As a child or teen that lives at home there’s not much you can do. Some jilted parents refuse to allow the other parent to see the kids until courts and judges are called upon to assign visitation. In some cases the child is old enough to choose whether or not he would like to visit the new couple regularly. Sometimes rules are put into place, in the home, forbidding anyone to mention the cheating parent’s name, leaving the child feeling abandoned and alone.
In more extreme cases the parent that has left chooses to ask for custody of the kids in a court of law. When this is granted the jilted parent is likely to be completely and utterly devastated. Having lost his or her entire family, a feeling of hopelessness and despair can begin to rule. Bitterness and hatred often become the norm, making it difficult to move on to a new love or seek a better life.
As an adult child of a parent who has strayed you have a few more options than younger children when it comes to dealing with the matter. It’s not mandatory that you accept the step-mom or step-dad, nor do you have to forgive and forget. You don’t have to see your parent with his or her new love and you don’t have to continue a relationship with them.
When this painful situation happens the child, even as an adult, usually sides with the jilted parent making it difficult, if not impossible, for the one who has cheated to remain part of the family. Watching the wounded parent grieve is only part of the pain. Broken trusts, loneliness, anger and hatred are other emotions with which to contend.
Forgiveness isn’t possible for some, but without it, anger and hatred can go on for many years. And if you have kids they must endure the pain as well, particularly if they were close to their Grandpa or Grandma who has now moved.
Friends are often forced to choose sides, with one half of the couple refusing to have anything to do with friends who are still associating with the other half. After watching your entire family fall apart it’s even more difficult to lose friends as well.
Counseling is a good idea for all parties involved who are having trouble dealing with the situation. Kids in particular will benefit from talking to an impartial person. If you feel as though your child is doing just fine keep in mind that some children will never display any true emotions concerning the new situation but will inwardly be full of hate, anger or disappointment. Let a psychologist determine whether the child needs a period of counseling.
For the jilted parent there are groups that meet to discuss ways to get over the whole affair and move on with the future. The groups can be fun and possibly a good way to meet a future mate – one that knows what you’ve been through and can relate to the situation. If you are the jilted parent join one of these groups and give it a try. You’ll at least meet a few new friends – ones that understand.
Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to mean a reunion. You can search for – and find – forgiveness in your heart, easing your own pain without making plans to reunite with the strayed parent. If there are plans to reunite with the parent the other parent will most likely feel betrayed by you. Explain that you miss your mom or dad and although you disagree with what he or she did, you want to try to have a relationship again. Be prepared for the jilted parent to feel angry and betrayed but attempt to keep the relationship in hopes that these feelings will fade. In some cases the only choice is to keep a relationship with one parent while avoiding the other.
Even if you yourself can’t forgive and forget consider allowing the relationship to go on for your kids and the strayed grandparent. Explain to them the truth of what happened, if they’re old enough to understand. Tell them that although you no longer wish to have a relationship with your parent they can still have one with their grandparent.
If you’re the parent who has strayed and has found a new love be prepared to face the music. Your spouse will be hurt deeply, no matter what your former relationship was. Your children will probably feel betrayed and angry for a long time. Friends will choose to remain friends with your ex while refusing to speak to you.
You can try to mend the relationships by phoning or writing, remembering birthdays and other special occasions, and trying to explain why you made the choices that have hurt so many. Don’t expect forgiveness to come quickly, if at all. In all likelihood you’ll be busy with your new family and it’ll be easy to postpone the attempts at mending. And the more time goes by with you ignoring the former family, the more difficult it will be to do any mending at all.
