DIY Tips for the Not so Handy Handyman
Then there’s the second type of person who’d be reading this, the home improver/home handyman/DIY person.
Now, if you fall into the second category, you probably already know what I’m about to tell you so I’ll pretend you’re a novice handyman while you, as a favor to me, pretend you DON’T already know the following (that we we can both justify the existence of this article).
Oh, if you fall into the first category (that’s you, Mrs McNaulghty) I’ll be kind and possibly add a number of grammatical, spelling and factual errors here and there so as not to have wasted your time ploughing through this.
Painting
When you are painting, drips of paint quite often run down the side of the can onto the floor. Fix a paper plate, which will catch the drips, to the bottom of the can by putting a few drops of paint onto the middle of the plate.
A thin wire or string stretched across the top of a tin makes a useful brush wipe as well as giving the tin a certain je ne sais quoi to be admired by fellow handymen. Who knows, you could become a trend setter in the DIY world.
Push the paintbrush handle through a paper plate (uh, isn’t it meant to be protecting the floor around about now? OK, so I’ve got to go out and buy yet another paper plate. Jeez!), to prevent paint from running down your wrist when you are painting a ceiling.
A wire coat hanger bent in two makes a useful stirrer. Straighten it out again, place some clean clothes on it and you’ll see how it stirs your wife’s emotions too.
A thin layer of white spirit poured onto the top of gloss paint before closing the lid will stop a skin from forming. Pouring a touch more might prevent hair, teeth and bones from growing. A little more and you’ll ensure it never develops a personality of its own.
Plumbing
Never throw fatty, or greasy foods into the sink; this causes blockages. You shouldn’t be eating those fatty foods anyway, it blocks your arteries too (didn’t expect that free health tip there, did you?).
If all else fails to clear a blocked drain: pour two kettles of boiling water, then a small amount of boiling water down the drain. Leave for 20 minutes then pour down another two kettles of boiling water. If this doesn’t work, the try one helping of the Yellow Pages as well as a quick phone call to the nearest (and probably most expensive) plumber will have your problem solved as soon as… as soon as… next week Friday.
If a dripping tap is driving you crazy, tie a piece of string between the tap and the plughole. The water will run down the string without dripping.
If it’s your kids driving you crazy, let the wife deal with them.
If it’s your wife driving you crazy – sorry, insanity is your only asylum, as yet no one has been able to solve that issue.
In winter, even the smallest amount of water in pipes can freeze and cause a blockage. To prevent this, keep basin and bath plugs in place especially at night, whilst you are sleeping (which you can’t do because of the dripping… you’ve just tied a string to the plughole to stop the dripping and now you’re popping the plug into the plughole. Enjoy mopping up your wet floor in the morning).
Drawers and Doors
If a door sticks, place some carbon paper with the carbon side facing the inside of the door, on the frame, and close the door. Repeat this, working your way around the door. The black marks will show where the door is rubbing and these areas can be sanded down. This would mean you’d have to repaint the door, which means that you could re-read the section on painting so as to refresh the ol’ grey cells on those nifty tips I was thoughtful enough to include.
To free a lock that has jammed, smear the key with a little Vaseline and jiggle it about the lock. A lock that is stiff can be lubricated by rubbing the key with a pencil, then work the graphite into the lock in the same way. Vaseline… (snigger)… stiff… (snigger)… lubrication… (snigger).
Soap rubbed into the hinges of a creaking door will silence it (no sorry, this does NOT work on the wife or mother-in-law) and soap rubbed along the top and bottom edges of tight-fitting drawers will make them run smoothly.
