Dating After Divorce

The divorce rate has been steadily climbing for the last fifteen years, and it shows no sign of decreasing. There are several reasons for the dissolution of marriage, but one thing remains common among them all: two people were unable to work out their differences.

If you have been through a divorce, you might be overly cautious about reentering the dating game, and you might be concerned about potential ramifications. The most important thing to remember is that you aren’t alone in your fears, and that it’s natural to be “gun-shy” about getting back on the horse. Negative experiences are naturally inhibiting, and there is nothing wrong about your concerns.

This doesn’t mean that you should avoid dating entirely, or that you should resign yourself to the nunnery for the rest of your days. It’s natural to take time off from the dating game to reflect upon your experience and to determine the new direction for your life, but eventually, you’ll begin to crave human contact.

Follow these guidelines for dating after divorce, and you’ll be more inclined to experience success. Reading this article doesn’t mean you’ll immediately find a second marriage partner, but it will help you gain perspective on dating in general.

1. Give yourself adequate time.

If your marriage was finalized yesterday and you’re hitting the clubs tonight, then you’re probably jumping in too quickly. If you want to go out for drinks with your friends, then you should, but don’t start looking for a new Mrs. or Mr. right away. You’ll need time to emotionally and mentally process your divorce and to gain perspective on the road ahead.

There isn’t a specific time that is necessary to wait. Everyone is different, and I wouldn’t presume to advise you on the length of time between divorce and first date. Your body will tell you when you are emotionally capable of handling a date with a new person, and when you are comfortable enough with yourself to pursue a new relationship.

2. A date doesn’t mean marriage.

Often, people who have been married for several years grow accustomed to the marriage mindset, and find it difficult to abandon once they’ve been divorced. For years, you’ve shared a bed, a home, a life and even children with another human being, but that union has been dissolved. When you first start to date, it might be tempting to assume that the new person is meant to be, and that you will get married one day. Don’t let yourself fall victim to the matrimonial way of thinking; just enjoy yourself!

3. Be open and honest.

When you start dating again, you might feel compelled to hide the circumstances of your divorce from future dates. Don’t. This doesn’t mean that you should pour out your soul to a blind date, but don’t lie about it either. Let them know that you have been married before, that the divorce is final, and that you’re moving on. Only share what you feel comfortable talking about; elaborating isn’t necessary, and your date should understand that. Chances are, you’ll be dating someone who has had a similar experience, which might serve as a bond to draw you closer together.

4. Leave your baggage at the door.

All divorces are messy and none are fun, but you have to remember that your problems with your ex are not problems with every member of the opposite sex. If you parlay your anger and resentment from your ex onto subsequent dates, it will never work out, and you’ve wasted your time. Remember: your date isn’t the reason your marriage fell apart, so do your best to start fresh, with no pre-conceived notions.

5. Don’t fall into old patterns.

After a divorce, people have a tendency to retain old patterns that inevitably led to the divorce in the first place. Remember that when you start to date, you’re given a clean slate, and it’s best to be comfortable with who you are and to show that person to future dates. Don’t be the person you were with your ex – be the person you were meant to be, the person you are at the core.

Five Indications that You Aren’t Ready to Date:

These five things will tell you that you’ve jumped into dating too quickly, and that you should give yourself more time to heal:

1. You constantly bring up your ex-spouse when on a date with someone else.
2. You keep pictures of your ex-spouse in your bedroom, and can’t bring yourself to take them down.
3. After a date, you feel emotionally drained and it becomes difficult to see yourself going on another date.
4. You consciously compare your date to your ex-spouse, whether you find the good qualities or the bad.
5. You feel like you’re cheating on your ex-spouse, even though the divorce is final, when you go on a date with another person.