Dating Survival Guide: Relationship Tips on Jealousy and Communication
First of all, you should all know about a thing called “jealousy”.
It’s this horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you find out something you really didn’t want to know but are glad you do know, because now you can see what a lying cheating piece of scum your significant other is.
Now jealousy is not a bad thing, in moderation. I mean lets face it, jealousy is a sign of love. You can’t be jealous of something without love being involved. Even God is a jealous God. (However something tells me he is better equipped to handle said feelings than us humble human beingsâÂ?¦) It starts off with something little, like, your Significant Other (which we will refer to as S.I) goes out to lunch with and old ex. Now, you are completely secure in your relationship with your S.I, but you cant help but wonder “Who called who?” “Did S.I call EX, or did EX call SI?” But then you forget about it because S.I. is back from lunch and you two are together again.
Then, it gets a little more serious. You’re eating lunch together and someone is checking out your S.I. You know, giving them the eye right in front of you and being totally rude and blatant about it. So you do the trademark “put-your-arm-around-the-SI-move” that us women are so famous for, and let it slide.
But then, things start getting a little more serious. Your S.I begins to get jealous as well. And let me tell you. THERE IS NO BETTER FEELING THAN KNOWING YOUR SI IS JEALOUS OF ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS. Because you know that they are only jealous because they are insecure. Now who has th UPPER HAND?
So the more you hang out with the friend that they are jealous of, (and you will, JUST to make you SI more jealous, don’t ask me why but you willâÂ?¦) then the more they hang out with the friend YOU are jealous of. Until you guys are pushing each other and pushing each other and lo and behold, your SI comes up to you one day and says “ME AND AN EX ARE GOING TO VEGAS FOR THE WEEKEND JUST THE TWO OF US AND WE ARE STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM WITH ONLY ONE BED ” at which point you say, “FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING WHORE ITS OVER”.
But then they come back and apologize and cry and say they swear nothing happened and you take them back even though deep down inside you know they had wild monkey sex no matter how much SI tries to deny it. Lets face it, you got played.
Another thing no one ever tells you about relationships is that relationships automatically lower your IQ by about 67 points. When you are in a relationship you do the most stupid things. And you let shit slide that you KNOW you shouldn’t. Like, for example if you are following your SI home from “Speedzone”. Now, you don’t know how to get home so you are following them on the freeway at midnight when all of a sudden your car dies. So you pull over and call a tow truck and call your SI and tell them that your car is broken. They say “I’ill turn around right now and come get you”. So while you are waiting for the tow truck on the side of the freeway your SI calls you back and says “You know what? I really don’t feel like turning around right now so I’m going to go ahead and go home”. And they do.
So you wait for the tow truck alone on the side of the freeway and it finally gets there 85 minutes later because that’s what tow trucks do. Truck drops you ff at home and you are so mad at your SI cause ” how could they just leave you there?” But you forgive them because , well lets face it , I’M A MORON.
Another thing no one tells you about relationships is the disgusting amount of money you spend on the SI. It starts off with a little gift here. Take them to dinner there. Every now and then they return the favor. But by the end of the relationship when you guys are doing the traditional “give me back my stuff” (which includes clothes, stuffed animals, love notes, and baby picture) you realize how you are giving them back 3 boxes and in return, you get nothing. YOU KNOW WHY? BECUASE THEY ARE GOING TO KEEP EVERY SINGLE THING YOU GAVE THEM!!! PLUS ALL THE SHIT THEY GAVE YOU. Don’t do it!! It’s not a worthy investment!! You should invest in stocks instead!! At least you have a chance of getting SOME of your money back!!
Bet you didn’t know that.
Now let us talk about AFTER the break up. Now, we grow up to believe that we mourn, get over it and find someone else that is better. This is very false. What REALLY happens is we mourn, and right when we think everything is cool, righ twhen you start getting over SI and start peicing your life together once again, GUESS WHO STARTS CALLING YOU AND TEXTING YOU ?? S.I. It’s like they have these devices in their heads that alert them the second we start to get over them, and they immediately do everything in their power to bring you back to them. Or at least trick you into thinking that you have another chance, but only enough to lead you on before they say something like “YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OVER ME ” (despite the fact that they are texting you at 4 in the morning with “your the only person I’ve had a good relationship with)” It just really, GRINDS MY GEARS!
Lets not forget the whole communications issue:
Him: What do you want to eat?
Her: I don’t care.
( what she really means: anything but McDonalds or Taco Bell)
( what he interprets: I don’t care)
Him: How about McDonalds or Taco Bell
Her: um.. I’m not hungry for that right nowâÂ?¦
( what she really means: that’s disgusting food but I am trying not to be a bitch)
(what he interprets: She’s not hungry for that right now)
Him: What are you hungry for?
Her: oh, Olive Garden but I don’t have money right now âÂ?¦
(what she really means is: take me to Olive Garden and buy me dinner)
( what he interprets: this bitch thinks I am going to buy her Olive Garden)
Him: Well, I have 7 bucks so we are going to Taco Bell.
See. There is NO SUCH THING AS COMMUNICATION. It doesn’t work. You know why? Because girls NEVER SAY WHAT THEY MEAN!! EVER!!! EVER EVER EVER!! It’s nothing we can control, its nothing to do with guys, its just human nature. It’s part of the feminine mystique. We are pre programmed to never say exactly what we mean, and assume that guys always know what we are talking aboutâÂ?¦ and you know what else?
GUYS NEVER KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKIN ABOUT!! GUYS ARE LITERAL CREATURES. they TAKE EVERYTHING literally!!!
Now, who can forget about the EX factor? NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRRRRRR date someone who has dated someone in the past, and had a serious relationship with them. Always try to date a virgin. It is HARD. But TRY!!! Trust me, you will thank me later, because you know what? Your Significant other will
always
ALWAYS
ALWAYS
go back to their ex.
It has nothing to do with you, its just that for some reason unknown to man, human beings with a lot of potential, are always attracted to high school drop outs with no job, car, or money who smoke weed all day. There is no explanation for it, it just is.
It’s the laws of nature. So don’t try to fight it.
Oh, yea, and good luck in your next relationship.
My new MOTTO:
LIFE’S A DICK
WHEN IT GETS HARD
FUCK IT.
The end.
