Dating -The Home Court Advantage
While women spend a tremendous amount of time on their personal appearances in anticipation of a romantic evening, they often forget that men, while simple creatures, are actually fairly observant about certain things. He will notice more, and make a firmer judgment about the direction of a potential relationship, based upon what he finds scoping out your house or apartment than he will about your hair, dress, makeup and shoes combined. And while most women have the good sense to hide items that might be embarrassing to a potential new boyfriend, they just don’t think about some of the things that will affect the perspective of your new man.
When the average man enters a woman’s home for the first time, he is actually quite eager to check out more than the ceiling in the bedroom. Drawing on his Paleolithic roots as a hunter, he is searching for clues about his new woman like his ancestors would track a wooly mammoth. And like a good hunter, he makes subtle interpretations about what he sees. So before you invite him back for a nightcap, do a quick sweep of your place to make it more guy-friendly.
First of all, let’s head right to the Bed. Guys like to check out a woman’s bedroom, of course, and depending upon what they see they will make a decision about whether they want to be a frequent visitor or a casual tourist. The most important thing in a man’s mind when he sees the bed is the amount of non-essential stuff stacked up on it. A man views a bed as a tool for sleeping and sex, and maybe for watching TV. They do not see it as a display area. Excessive amounts of pillows, stuffed animals, and other paraphernalia can be very intimidating to a man. As he considers you as potential relationship material, he usually does so by inserting a mental image of himself into your place and seeing if he feels comfortable. Men find Stuff on the Bed unreasonably intimidating. The pillow your Aunt cross-stitched for you when you turned sixteen, the boo-boo kitty you got when you were five, the quilt that your great-grandmother sewed should be put well out of sight before your man gets the full house tour. They know you have it, because their sisters, their mothers, and every woman they’ve ever dated indulges in the practice. But they don’t want to be confronted with it right off the bat. When they first lay eyes on the place where they would most like to hang out with you, their enthusiasm will be highly dampened by the sight of sixteen pink lacy pillows and a pile of teddy bears. So clear the bed and all other surfaces of such items to ensure a more favorable response.
Signs of disorganization, such as unpacked boxes (when they know full well you have lived there for over a year), dishes in the sink, piled up recycling, and stacks of bills ring alarm bells to the average man. To his mind women should be somehow preternaturally neat and organized. Violating this preconception makes him feel, consciously or subconsciously, that you are flaky and needy and not really good potential girlfriend material. Other quirky little habits, like your predilection of saving single serve fast-food condiment packets, may well be respected as a lovable eccentricity later on in your relationship. At an early stage, however, they scream “obsessive-compulsive” and make him shy away.
Your bookshelf is fair game for a new paramour, and he will not hesitate to inspect your reading material. Large amounts of romance novels – more than ten – give a man the impression that you spend way too much time living vicariously through fiction, and could well have unreasonable expectations of romance. This can cause performance anxiety to the poor male in question, who is already groaning in his mind because he believes you expect a relationship to be all roses, candlelight, and midnight walks on the beach, 24/7. No mortal man can live up to that standard, and in his mind it is a definite strike against you. Diet books are another bad sign to him, as they demonstrate to him that you have body issues that he doesn’t want to think you have.
Your music collection will also be looked over for danger signs, such as the complete Kenny G collection or an Enya boxed set. Make sure you have a few guy-friendly tunes in there, just to assure him that you won’t be consigning him to soft rock hell if you should happen to work out. Led Zepplin, Nirvana, and Barry White are good bets, though John Mayer and Jack Johnson are perfectly acceptable. Note: too much angry woman music is off-putting. Men know that you have issues with them as a gender, and they expect it to come out in your musical tastes. But too many estrogen-laden disks tell him you have a hard time coping, and might well be higher maintenance as a girlfriend than he is willing to accept. Similarly, your DVD collection will be thoroughly perused before the night is over. While he expects plenty of chick-flicks, throw the poor man a bone: include a few guy-flicks to let him know that he’s welcome here. Possible winners include just about any action-adventure, sci-fi, or sports movie. Additional points can be won with the Kung Fu tv show boxed set, James Bond flicks, or something raunchy like Porky’s. Major points can be won by displaying at least one Three Stooges disk. You never have to watch it, but a guy will feel better just knowing it is there.
Your refrigerator is well within limits for inspection. If all you have within is a case of bottled water, yogurt, and bags of salad and low-fat dressing it is a sign to him that you have issues with food. More than two kinds of fast-food restaurant leftovers make him feel that you are too busy with your life to have time for a quality relationship. This won’t necessarily scare him off, but it may reduce your chances of a phone call after the date. Safe bets in the fridge are cookies, sandwich paraphernalia, cheese, and eggs. These are safe foods to a man, and they let him know that he could kick his shoes off at your place with little chance of starving to death. A six-pack of decent beer is a sure winner. Try a high-end domestic, or a less-popular import. Cheap beer tells him that you are an easy drunk, while a more complex beer lets him know that you have interests beyond the mundane.
You will impress him even further if you have a set of screwdrivers, a pair of pliers, and a hammer in your kitchen drawer. Men are more than happy to help you with a little handyman work – it makes them feel useful – but not having what he considers the basic tools on premises lets him know that you are helpless and unprepared, which is usually a turn-off.
It is a myth that guys hate cats and other critters. They are viewed as just distractions, potential competitors for your attention. If you have animals, it is important that their presence in your home is almost imperceptible. Five cats and one litter box is a warning sign, as is a puppy that won’t leave you two alone while you are trying to get to know each other. Unobtrusive cats are usually not a problem, as are dogs. Large dogs are actually pretty good, as a man typically respects a larger dog. Fish are safe, as are most rodents (gerbils and hamsters), and birds. Some exotic pets score definite points with the average man. A ferret is a plus – it tells him you are unconventional – and if you are stout of heart, a snake lets a man know that you are unafraid and willing to take exciting risks. Do not, however, discuss your pets’ personalities, their dreams, hopes, or aspirations with a guy. It comes across as obsessive and boring.
If you are devoutly religious, the first apartment visit is not the best time to showcase the fact. Despite their own piety, unless a man has made a point to discuss his own religious views, lavish displays of religious iconography can be intimidating. Whether a crucifix or a pagan altar, put it away until you get to know him better. Similarly secular displays, such as your shrine to Elvis, your twirling awards, or a huge poster of a particular actor or musician, make a man feel that you have a tendency towards unhealthy obsession. If you show gothic tendencies, make sure your gargoyles, plastic skulls and wrought iron candleholders are safely stored unless the man in question has also shown a definite interest in such things. Family pictures are good, as long as they don’t display overt scissor marks or graffiti, but try to keep them to under a dozen. Dangerous art, to a man’s eye, includes more than one Anne Geddes or Georgia O’Keefe painting, harlequin masks of any sort, and blown glass menageries. Pictures of sad clowns or unicorns are just plain creepy.
Finally, the most dangerous room of the house, for a male: your bathroom. Guys expect a certain amount of feminine clutter – in truth, they find it comforting that you know how to appear feminine, just like seeing a toolbox in a man’s apartment is reassuring. But when every spot on your sink is covered with lotions and bottles it screams “body issues!” and “high maintenance, expensive girlfriend!” Men are fully aware of your menstrual cycle, but they rarely like to be confronted with the evidence. Hide your pads and tampons from plain sight. Clear your medicine cabinet of all odd sounding prescriptions, including any anti-depressants you may be taking. Sure, he knows many people take them, and he might be on them as well, but he doesn’t want to be confronted with that fact so early in the relationship.
Pregnancy tests, open or unopened, are a huge Red Alert for most sane men. Casually leaving out your birth control pills, rings, or other contraceptives, on the other hand, is a good sign to him. It ensures that he knows you are both sexually active and responsible about it. Hanging hand-washed delicates is also an issue, of course – they can be safely hidden until you are more comfortable with each other. Your over-all bathroom look should be feminine, of course – he knows you spend a lot of time there – but be cautious about excessive fluff, such as toilet seat covers, toilet paper cozies, and an excessive use of pink. If a man is hoping to spend a lot of time at your place he will appreciate a less estrogen-laden environment in which to do his business.
No one would suggest that you try changing who you are for the sake of a man. But just as you want to appear attractive on your dates, using makeup and fashion to accentuate your positive traits and conceal the negative, your home should also be treated to a similar make-over. By taking care of a few minor details you can dramatically improve your chances of keeping a new guy’s attention for longer than two dates – long enough for him to really appreciate your commemorative salt-and-pepper collection, or at least politely fake it.
