Dating Tips: Smell Good, Make Comfortable Conversation and Don’t Stare

Relationships can be great things. They are warm and fuzzy, soft and cuddly, and all those other sickening adjectives. There is one small problem in the acheivement of this greatness, however – dating. I’m not talking ‘already established mutual attraction that takes itself out to the movies every once and so often’ type dating. I’m talking ‘God I hope this one works out and hey, who had me pinned for a gambler?’. Here I speak of freakish nervousness, adjusting one’s hair in the bathroom mirror approximately a billion times, sweaty palms, pounding heart, vomiting (in extreme cases). . .I speak of intensity, of a desperate cry to the Gods of Love – ‘Please, please, please let it work. Oh, and if you can manage it, could you make sure I don’t make myself look like an idiot? Thank you. Amen.’

So many things could go right on a date. More things could go wrong. A simple guide to lessening the probability of the latter.
Dating Tip #1. Smell good. I think it may be impossible to underestimate the value of a good perfume or cologne. Sure, it may not be the first thing she’ll notice about you, but trust me – if you brush past her and a whiff of Acqua di Gio or Cool Water or heck, even Old Spice Red Zone hits her, it will only work in your favor.

Two corollaries to this rule: First of all, no Drakkar Noir. Some people can’t recognize it, but for those of us who can, it’s an immediate red flag. Only sleazy lounge lizards wear Drakkar Noir. Do you want to be a sleazy lounge lizard? Thought not. (In this vein, no Axe/Bod. What are you, fourteen?). Secondly, you can have too much of a good thing. Start slow on the scent, then add more if necessary. There is such a thing as too much.

Dating Tip #2. Chivalry is overrated. Seriously. No one’s asking you to be Miss Manners or Mr. Knightley here. If you don’t want to open the door for her or bring her flowers, then don’t. Chivalry is no good if it’s coupled with burning resentment. Any nice gestures (by either sex!) should be sincere. Go ahead and pay if you honestly want to, but be careful. In these waters, There Be Monsters. Generally, if you asked you should pay, but if you’re a guy and the girl wants to pay or at least split, for the love of God – let her. Just go quietly about this one, dude, it’s not like she’s castrating you. Hey, save your cash for something more useful. Don’t make it a thing. Also, don’t call her a feminazi for offering to pay. That is, don’t call her a feminazi if you ever, ever intend to have another date. The same goes for girls. There’s no need to get up in arms if the guy really, really wants to pay for you. It’s his money, let him throw it away. (But realistically, after a few dates? You really should split, unless one of you is Bill Gates and the other lives in a cardboard box.)

Dating Tip #3. Conversation is KEY. You know when the other person is talking? Listen. Don’t space out, don’t start checking out the cashier, and don’t immediately return the conversation to yourself. It’s give-and-take! If the conversation drifts away from the path you set it on and you wanted to talk about computers to show off your tech prowess, let it go. Don’t domineer the conversation just to show yourself off. It’s seriously unsexy, lame, and annoying. Additionally, try to pick up on clues your dating partner in crime is sending. Saying things that will offend him, even inadvertently, is a sure killer. It’s better just to play it safe rather than launching into an anti-men or dumb blonde joke, because you never know. You just never know.

Dating Tip #4. Staring? Yeah, it makes things awkward. Presumably part of this reason why you’re on this date in the first place is because you find this person at least passably attractive. If she’s trying to tell you something, try not to stare at her. It doesn’t matter whether it’s something typical like her breasts or his biceps or more specialized like his hands, staring is uncomfortable. When there’s an awkward pause, it more than likely was caused by one party staring. Now, I understand completely that staring can be really hard to resist, so if you do happen to stare, try to apologize without making it a huge thing. Sure, some people take it as a compliment, but then again, sometimes it’s hard to tell where the gaze is directed. Okay, yeah, I’m probably not going to assume that you’re trying extra-hard to read my shirt, but if you’re staring at my bottom lip, I have no way of knowing if that’s it or if you’re looking at the zit on my chin (which I am, of course, very self-conscious about.). It’s just yucky and off-putting.

Dating Tip #5. Don’t assume you know this person (unless, of course, you do). Many times dating involves interaction with a near-complete stranger. Treat it as such. Don’t say things you wouldn’t say to a classmate or an acquantaince. For everybody the line of intimacy is different, but be mindful of yours. Also, it’s bad to assume you know that he will just love pizza, because everyone loves pizza. News flash, hon: He’s lactose intolerant. Assuming = bad. (This seems like it should be obvious, but if he makes a statement about himself. . .just let it go. For instance, if he says he doesn’t want to be a relationship, saying ‘Nonsense! Everyone wants to be in a relationship!’? Yeah. That’s mean. Last time you checked, you weren’t him and you never will be. Back off.)

Dating Tip #6. Have fun. I wish I could give you tips on this one, but I personally never have had fun on a date like this. Maybe it’s because I’m a frigid, picky harpy. Or maybe I just have bad luck. Whichever. If all else fails, counsel other people and stick to Friday nights alone with Vh1. Some might argue it’s better that way. I might even be one of them.