Dealing With the Death of a Person With Alzheimer’s
Depression in caring for your loved can become an issue, as you watch them slip away. A noted psychologist, Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross in 1970 wrote about how we grieve, and it’s well worth reading it, and applying it to the disease itself, and realizing you’ll experience the same feelings again, when your loved one passes away.
The one year anniversary of my father’s death is fast approaching. I’ve often sought comfort in revisiting an old psychology lesson I learned in college a long time ago from Kuebler-Ross, long before I ever realized how important it would be to me later in life. As caregiver or loved one, you can use these steps to help you understand and validate your loss with your loved one too.
âÂ?¢ Denial. When you found out the diagnosis, and understood the implications of your loved one having Alzheimer’s, you were in shock. It became official with the diagnoses, but your heart might have screamed NO! You might have tried to ignore it, or looked for a second opinion. It seemed surreal and remote to your emotions.
� Anger. On the death of a loved one, you might recognize the old feelings that you had when told of the diagnoses too. Sometimes, the anger stage comes immediately with, or right after the denial process. At times, it very hard for you to distinguish who you are; a loved one and/or caregiver. When your angry over this intense type of loss, it could happen that you will act out how your feelings on others, or even in self destructive types of behaviors, such as drinking or not eating.
� Bargaining. In this stage of grief, you might find yourself looking back again at the diagnoses, and making spiritual statements, such as it should be you instead of your loved one, or wanting to fix it through your own will power of effort, with medical treatments and procedures. A tit-for-tat type of relationship will exist in your mind and thoughts, in the hopes that your loved one will be cured and healthy. The bargaining can happen at the same time as depression stage, or again, right before it.
� Depression. Expect to find that you will demonstrate your depression through withdrawal from fun social activities, and might experience emotional outburst of crying, or even anger again, when your loved one dies.
� Acceptance. This is the time for healing, so you will be able to function fully in life. It is hard to know that your loved is now no longer a part of your physical life, but acceptance emotionally is the key to letting go of most of the pain. You will find as I do, that eventually the loss is now so integrated into you, that it is emotionally accepted as a part of you. It will feel okay to cry, or reminisce about your loved one, but at the same time feel warmed by memories of them.
Remember, there are good resources for help that you can go to. Search out a spiritual leader if you do not already have one, or talk to a mental health professional in your community. Talk with family or friends about your feelings, and give your self the right and time to grieve again. There are community support groups that you can join too, where others have experience or are currently experiencing the second time loss. Do not be ashamed or afraid to reach out for help.
The book On Death and Dying, by Kuebler-Ross can be found in libraries, or special ordered through http://www.amazon.com or http://www.booksamillion.com . Another good website to check out is www.alexandrakennedy.com. She is a noted psychotherapist for over thirty years, and a well respected author on the effects of dying for loved ones. On her website you can find workshops for healing, and some very interesting books and tapes on the subject of mental healing.
