Dear God

When I’m here and broken,
and have lost count;
offering my will as a token,
praying your will would be done.

Yet somehow I always end up,
still doing what I want;
and I want to stand up,
screaming with all I have.

Why it is wrong to be me?
struggling slave of my own will.
Why can the birds be free,
and shame not of how they feel?

Born cursed by the madness,
and bound to be a sinner;
leaping in the darkness,
of my sinful inner.

Dear God hear me now,
what do I have to do;
when I’m sad and down,
to feel touched by you?

I see people come and go,
today is my aunt; tomorrow myself,
while I fear letting go,
maybe then I will understand.

Or perhaps rest in peace,
Knowing I did the best I could;
while others disagreed,
maybe you did approve?

Did you form me in the womb?
then why I have done so wrong.
did you choose as to whom,
I would fused to be one?

Identity I must lose,
and shame of everything I am;
why a name let my mother choose,
if being myself is so bad?

Dear God help me understand,
because I can’t make sense;
you tell me where to stand,
so that I’m not so tense.

One day I will be gone,
perhaps standing before your throne;
would you tell me I was no good,
and burn eternally every bone?

Would I be surprised by your judgment?
thinking I’ve done as you told,
only to hear I must go,
I didn’t please you my Lord?

Love thy neighbor as thyself ,
yet deny thyself to achieve perfection;
how do I love and deny myself ,
and make sense of this reflection?