Divorced Dads – Don’t Make These BIG Mistakes
There are many negative stereotypes impacting fathers throughout the family law system. Sadly, many fathers don’t recognize how their behaviours and actions can mean the difference between a successful outcome or becoming a “weekend dad”. If you want to survive your divorce intact and maximize your children’s time with you, avoid the following big mistakes:
Big Mistake Number 1: The New Car Or New “Stuff”.
Our society views men as financial providers to their families – it’s one of the obvious bias issues throughout the family law system. Do you think that it’s possible your ex-spouse is going to use the fact that you just purchased a new car against you when she is still driving the old clunker she used during the marriage? Where did the money come from to buy the new car? Weren’t you just recently claiming that you could barely afford the existing level of child support?
This mistake happens all the time with fathers and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a new car purchase. It could be the purchase of new furniture, a fabulous home entertainment system, the purchase of a new condo or a new house.
You can’t plead poverty to avoid paying child support when you are bankrolling major purchases so be mindful of this fact when you are going through a divorce or you are dealing with post divorce conflict.
Big Mistake Number 2: The New Girlfriend
T his mistake is bound to be controversial, so before you start complaining that you have a right to get on with your life, try to remember that TIMING IS EVERYTHING IN A CUSTODY DISPUTE!
Your desire to start a common-law relationship with your new girlfriend just months after you have separated is going to be portrayed by mom and her lawyer as your inability to live on your own and your desire to find a replacement caregiver to your children. They will also argue that because your new girlfriend is working and you are both living together that your financial resources have been freed up to increase child or spousal support.
You have a right to explore new relationships, but place yourself in your children’s position. Is this the right time? Your children’s entire world has been torn apart by divorce, are they emotionally stable enough to endure a new relationship or a new stepmother? If you are living with a new partner, is she taking care of your kids or are you? Does your new girlfriend have kids of her own and is she in the throes of her own custody dispute?
Aside from these issues is something more significant. Call it the “mother bear” syndrome. It’s likely that mom will see your new partner as a threat to her role as a mother and you can count on this issue being a constant theme running through your ex wife’s mind.
Yes you are allowed to date. Yes you are allowed to form new relationships with a prospective mate, but use your head! Don’t do it immediately upon separation and a rule of thumb is to remember that it might be a good idea to pursue a new relationship at least one year after you have divorced. That 1-2 year time frame is important not only for you, but for your kids. They need to make the transition to a new life in two homes and your job is to make that transition as seamless as possible.
Big Mistake Number 3: Refusing To Pay Child Support
Don’t EVER make this mistake. Legislative mechanisms exist throughout North America to ensure that child support payments are being made and if you are mad at your ex and arbitrarily refuse to pay child support you can kiss any hope of EVER having credibility out the window should you wind up in court.
Yes there are problems with the child support legislation. Yes there are problems at the Maintenance Enforcement Office. Yes it’s unfair that the state will enforce child support but will not enforce access: too bad, so sad. You must pay support and you must ensure that you never get yourself in a position of going into child support arrears. Aside from the complex challenges associated with repaying child support arrears, the fact that you went into arrears will blemish your credibility in any child custody dispute.
Big Mistake Number 4: Repeated Court Appearances
If at all possible, pick your battles and avoid going to court over every single conflict issue that emerges between you and your former spouse. Why? Because you have a file at the family court and every single court application and the subsequent Affidavits and counterclaims go back into your court file. Over time, that court file grows. Sometimes it can grow to fill up a filing cabinet! So consider the following:
If mom has an interest in asserting that too much conflict exists for shared parenting and that she should have custody, do you think it might be possible that an enormous court file sitting on the judge’s desk will be seen by the judge as a physical manifestation of the extreme conflict between mom and dad?
Yes there will be conflict issues that might require a court appearance, but remember to pick your battles. Not every conflict issue should go to court. Offer solutions rather than going to court every time.
Access denial, though frustrating and damaging to children is one of the primary reasons that court files grow to an enormous size. Rather than go to court to enforce access every time she denies access why not utilize the strategies mentioned in this workbook to resolve the access denial and quite possibly, to get a child custody order reversed?
Do you think it’s possible that offering mom her choice of ten family mediators, ten arbitrators, collaborative family law, ten child psychologists, a four way negotiation meeting will help a judge see what’s really going on?
Exhaust all of these methods for an access denial situation before going to court and if she refuses all of them, NOW you can go to court and NOW you can ask for a reversal of the custody order. The steps that you have taken will show a judge what is really going on and your lawyer can argue that the kids should be with you because mom is refusing every conceivable method of solving the problem.
Big Mistake Number 5: Deferring EVERYTHING to your lawyer
Family lawyers are a necessary part of the divorce process because, believe it or not, they understand the law and you don’t. You might think that you have sufficient understanding, but lawyers have greater insight into how case law will impact you or what the current trend might be in the courts. They can also give you insight into a specific judge and they can tailor their litigation style to suit that judge.
That being said, family lawyers can and will exacerbate your predicament if you let it happen. A lot of fathers see their dispute as something completely beyond their scope of understanding and trust their lawyers to deal with the dispute on their behalf. If you defer everything in your custody dispute to your lawyer, you will be giving him/her a license to function using an adversarial approach.
Be realistic: with increased conflict come increased legal fees and your financial resources will be drained to a point where you will be unable to sustain a fight in the courts when you actually need to go to court.
So try to consider your lawyer as a resource or tool. He/she will be one of MANY tools that you will access as you deal with your dispute, but be forewarned: if you use a lawyer exclusively, you can count on losing your case. You must learn how to manage your lawyer and you must self-educate about the family law process and how your lawyer’s approach might actually harm your chances rather than increasing the likelihood of a positive outcome.
Big Mistake Number 6: Becoming A Father’s Rights Activist
If you are in the throes of conflict one of the worst things you can do is decide to don a superhero costume and get yourself arrested in protest of the problems in the family court process. You are under the microscope – not your ex-spouse. If you want to forever prejudice your chances in future litigation, get your face on the evening news claiming that family court judges are biased in favor of mothers.
Father’s rights groups exist largely because their ranks are filled with guys who have had unsuccessful outcomes in the family law process. Yes the system stinks, yes it is often unfair, but be honest with yourself. Do you believe that a group of fathers who have not solved their custody and access dispute will have a positive impact on the outcome of your case? Not likely!
The father’s rights movement (so called) isn’t a movement at all. It is a fragmented collective of internet based news groups and dysfunctional men who are too busy fighting amongst themselves to actually form an effective lobby to change the law. The term “father’s rights” by its very nature flies in the face of the real issue here: your children’s right to be raised by BOTH mom and dad. So get your issues resolved and when they are resolved, sure – go ahead and change the world. Until then, focus on what you can change – your situation!
Big Mistake Number 7: Actively participating in conflict.
You have a choice: do you want to engage in schoolyard tactics like mom or do you want to carve out a role in your children’s lives? It’s very easy to allow yourself to be dragged into the blame game because blame is firmly rooted in the emotional component of divorce, usually anger. If you engage in the blame game, then you are actively participating in conflict and you are proving mom’s case: that too much conflict exists to share the children.
Think twice about every conflict issue that emerges. Ask yourself how relevant a particular conflict issue might be to the outcome of your case. If it isn’t important, let it slide. Better still, use a non-important conflict issue as a means of offering solutions to your ex wife and document these attempts as part of your trail of evidence. Remember, anger is a narcotic and is addictive as heroin. If you are engaged in the conflict then you are not placing your children’s right to heal ahead of your personal issues with your former spouse – pick your battles!
Big Mistake Number 8: Moving out of the matrimonial home
The surest way to become a non-custodial parent is to move out of the house when both of you decide to separate. The overwhelming majority of fathers make the difficult choice to move out only to find that by moving, they have made their former spouse the defacto primary caregiver to the children.
DO NOT MOVE OUT! If you have to move into a separate room in the house and put a deadbolt on the door, do it. Stay in the house until all issues relating to your divorce have been negotiated. The longer you stay in the house, the higher the likelihood that your ex-wife will settle on your terms because she just wants you moved out and on your own.
Big Mistake Number 9: Attacking mom in court
Do not ever allow your lawyer to “go for the throat” in a family law proceeding – you’ll lose every time. Mom has built a case to show that she is somehow a victim and you are a perpetrator. If your lawyer is seen to be attacking mom, the judge will automatically go into “protect the mother” mode and your case will be finished before it has even begun.
Your lawyer has to carefully and diplomatically peel away at mom’s credibility by calmly asking questions that are based on your evidence. He/she must not be seen as aggressive – he/she must be seen as a reflection of your overall strategy: waging peace and solving the problem.
Big Mistake Number 10: Accepting the status quo
You have to believe that solutions exist. You have to believe that you can change your situation if you have any hope at all of rebuilding your role in your children’s lives. Too many fathers simply disappear all together because they feel that engaging in divorce war will further damage their children.
Your children need you and you need your children. Refuse to believe that you don’t have a chance. Look for ways to increase your involvement in your children’s lives. Assert your role in spite of the obstacles that you face. Your former spouse is never going to change, but you can change how you approach your conflict issues and your children have a right to benefit from your love and your guidance.
Never accept that you can be anything less than the best father you can possibly be. Strategies that promote peaceful resolution are a powerful tool that can change your situation, but they are useless to you if you believe that there is no hope at all.
These ten mistakes are common and often they occur simply because fathers have experienced a wholesale loss of control over their lives. Stay focused. Look for solutions and education yourself about how the family law system works. You’ll save money in legal fees and you’ll increase the chances of receiving something resembling justice in the long run.
