Domestic Violence – How to Get Away

-SAFE (As the rate of violence against women and children grows, it is important to try and find a way to get away and remain safe. There are many women who are constantly living in the shadow of fear from the one person that they are supposed to feel safe with. Men with an abusive personality tend to want to control all aspects of their lives. They usually have to account for where they have been or are going, show receipts to prove they were really where they said that they were, keep an immaculate house, and be unrealisticly perfect. Should they fall below the impossible standards set for them, the punishment is swift and severe. The degrees of abuse range from pushing, pinching, slapping, and yelling, to punching, kicking and hitting with the nearest object. No level of abuse is worse than the other – they are ALL wrong! Here are some signs of abuse that you need to recognize if you are dating, so that you can avoid getting into a worse situation. Teenagers can also look at these signs and see if this is what is going on in their relationships.

Why do the women stay? That is a question that many people ask. There are many reasons. If children are involved and the mother does not work, one of the threats she often hears is that since she can’t provide a home for them, she will loose them. Although this is not true unless she is a truly horrific parent (and that would really need to be awful), she will not lose custody. At times she doesn’t know where to go,and will find that friends often ask what she is doing to create or aggravate the situation. Women, understand that you are not responsible for a person not being able to control themselves. It is not your fault they can’t be happy with who THEY are. Abusive personalities are usually very insecure and project that insecurity on others. They don’t take responsibility for their actions and are alway pointing a finger at someone else. You have done nothing wrong. Homeless shelters are not the safest places for mothers with children. It is difficult enough for single adults. The shelters that cater to mothers with children, or families, fill up very quickly so beds are in short supply. The waiting list for houses for battered women is long and funding in short supply. This further reduces a battered woman’s options. There are, however, options that they can take advantage of to get into a safe environment and protect themselves. Abusers tend to control and manipulate the situation making it difficult to have documented proof that there were problems in the house. They do this by not allowing the abusee to make phone calls, monitoring all their conversations, keeping close tabs on who they are friends with, and eliminating any friends that they feel might threaten their control over the abusee. Without enough documented proof, it is difficult to set up a case. This makes getting a restraining order or any legal custody difficult or impossible.

Create a Safety Plan

1. Avoid rooms with no exits when in an argument. Stay out of rooms that may have weapons or knives.
2. Keep change with you at all times in case you need to make a call from a pay phone. Many times he will keep you from using the phone in the house.
3. Have a code word if you need to call a friend for help, or need them to make a call for you for help.
4. Keep all your important papers at a friend’s house (social security numbers for you and your children, passports, picture ids, immunization records, school records, bank account numbers, leases, deeds, and anything else in your name).
5. If you can use the phone, call the police if the argument looks like it’s escalating and have them mediate or diffuse the situation (this is not always possible, but if it is, then do it).
6. Get medical attention, file a police report, and get photographs of your injuries. The more you document the incidents, the stronger your case will be.

Help so you can leave.

The domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) but if you need immediate help, call 911! Pack a bag and keep it at a friend’s house. It should contain the following:

1. A change of clothing for you and your children
2. Carry an extra set of keys for the house and car
3. Get a paystub from your abuser’s paycheck and, if possible, their social security number
4. Carry familiar toys and books for the children to reduce the trauma and fear they might be going through.

If you are researching how to get away, always erase your tracks from the computer. Try to make calls from a phone out of the house in case he is monitoring calls. If you get harrassing or threatening messages via email, keep them as evidence. There is a growing need for services for immigrant women. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers links to resources for immigrant women to get help with translation services and legal information that deals with situations unique to immigration. Start putting aside some money and saving for emergencies (a friend you trust can keep it for you).

Once you have left

1. Change your social security number right way for two reasons – to prevent your abuser from tracking you down and possibly hurting you or your children, and to ensure that he doesn’t open credit card accounts in your name or the children’s names and ruining your credit. You can call at 1-800-772-1213 for more information about this program.
2. Sign up with the address confidentiality program in your state to make sure that your information is not made public. Co-Abode offers a wonderful service where you can share a house with another parent thus reducing your expenses.
3. Take advantage of any educational programs that can help make you more marketable in the job place.
4. Carry a copy of your Order of Protection, keep it on you at all times and keep a copy of it somewhere safe.
5. Make sure your children know how to dial 911 in an emergency situation and instruct them on where to go in an emergency

Once you are out, start the healing process, develop yourself, enjoy your children, seek counseling, say your prayers and be blessed.