Ending the Religion Debate

Since “Moral Values” are all the rage since the election, we are sure to revisit the issue of separation of church and state real soon. Rather than wait for the next Scopes Monkey Trial to happen, I have decided on a way to adequately compromise on the issue that will appease religious conservatives, nature lovers, and atheists alike.

To appease the right, I call for the establishment of a National Church, funded by taxpayer money. This church will oversee the moral development of the nation, have the power to override laws on the grounds of their respective morality, equate patriotism with holiness in times of war, warn of coming wars in times of peace, and root out heresy. We will have an election to determine who is to be the head of this church, seeing as how anything and anyone who is popular is also morally right. All welfare agencies will be run out of this Church, so that all welfare taxes can be written off as a charitable deduction. Monuments in honor of this church will be allowed in every public arena including, but not limited to, courthouses, schools, post offices, military installations, and town squares. Prayers will be allowed anywhere and at all times. I further propose that this church worship the Sun, seeing as how 99.97% of the American people believe in the existence of the Sun. I say 99.97% because in Cobb County, GA, and Dover, PA the Sun’s existence is referred to as “a theory, not a fact” like evolution, atoms, and gravity. Furthermore, the existence of the Sun, unlike the existence of good, evil, love and compassion, can be scientifically proven. So there will be no endless discussion over whether or not the object of worship actually exists.

To appease the left, no one will actually be allowed to attend this church, nor discuss anything associated with it. It will be a colossal waste of taxpayer money, but if the Iraq War has taught us anything, it has taught us that we can just pass the bill onto our kids in the form of deficit spending and National Debt.

To stop any “evolution vs. Grew Out of Design” debates, we will accept all theories about the origin of life on earth as equally valid. Therefore, biology classes will spend equal time on evolution, Intelligent Design theory, Unintelligent Design theory, Alien theories, ancient Norse, Greek, and Roman mythologies, the Lord Xenu theories of the “Alternative to Psychology”(DON’T call them a church!) of Scientology () and the Unarian theory of earth’s origin, sponsored by the Interplanetary Conclave of Light.()