Fast Food Failures

Odd thing about fast food restaurants, it seems like they want to get rid of you as quickly as possible. Think about it: they have the food ready to go, they let you order in your car, they don’t give you utensils and have you seen the bathrooms? It’s like they don’t want you around at all. But people keep coming back anyway. Fast food is big money and everyone wants to be the next hot franchise. But not all of them pan out. Here are some weak links in the fast food chain:

Burger Queen – This establishment’s motto was “No skirt, no heels, no service.” They wouldn’t let you order unless you were wearing a dress. Or were Scottish. They basically doomed themselves for failure outside of San Francisco and New York City. Gimmicks like movie tie-ins work with many restaurants, but not when the movies are “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” and “Some Like it Hot.” And their mascot, the Burger Queen, often hit on people while they were in line.

Taco Belch – Mexican food being what it is, people really didn’t appreciate the emphasis on the certain bodily functions. Their mascot, “Montezuma’s Revenge,” didn’t encourage people to stick around either.

T.G.I.F – Thank Goodness It’s Frankfurters – With all those burger places, did anyone really want a hot dog?

Hard Drug Cafe – Even with excellent burgers, and dynamite chili it finally had to close down when the police raids kept chasing everyone off. Known as “The Burger Joint” west of the Rockies.

Booger King – With their slogan, “You may think it’s meat but it’s not!” people realized they weren’t that nosy about their fare.

UpChuckie Cheese – Pizza and a vomiting mouse; not a good mix.

Kentucky Live Chickens – Their gimmick was this: You picked the chick and they wrung its head off and fried it up right there. Oddly, this scared the little kiddies. Their mascot, the “Headless Chicken” just added to the unease.

In & Outie Burger – When do fast food and overweight employees in cut-off t-shirts and low rider jeans go together? They don’t. Ewwwww.

House of Spotted Dick – Chain of British cusine. ’nuff said.

Jerk-in-a-Box – Did you ever order a kid’s meal and wonder if the guy behind the counter is a moron? Well, with their special way of screening employees, Jerk-in-a-Box eliminated all doubt. Service was slow because customers had to check and re-check their orders.

Pizza Clot – Food that clotted on your plate and in your arteries. Lack of repeat customers sealed their fate.

Bean Garden – If you wanted a bean meal, this was the place to go. Proliferation of repeating customers sealed their fate.