Final Fantasy IX: Supercondensed
‘AHEM’
The story starts off with TANTULUS, the THEATER TROUPE/GANG OF THIEVES, arriving in ALEXANDRIA to perform the broadway musical, “I WANT TO BE YOUR CANARY.”
Zidane: Well, it’s the only show we know.
As per CID’S request, TANTULUS KIDNAPS PRINCESS GARNET. Thanks to QUEEN BRAHNE, the PRIMA VISTA crash-lands in the EVIL FOREST. GARNET is thrown from the airship, and ZIDANE LEAVES TANTULUS to go save her from a BIG PLANT THING. With STEINER and VIVI’s help, the BIG PLANT THING DIES and the ENTIRE FOREST gets PISSED OFF. EVERYBODY RUNS LIKE THEY’RE FILMING AN ACTION FLICK.
Zidane: Y’know, I’ve always wondered why Steiner, wearing that suit of clunky armor and Carrying Garnet, and Vivi, with his short little Oompa-loompa sized legs, could [i]outrun me.[/i]
ZIDANE, STEINER, VIVI, AND GARNET ESCAPE. The EVIL FOREST PETRIFIES, including the trapped BLANK. After camping out for the night, the group heads to the ICE CAVERN.
Steiner: An aptly named cavern if I’ve ever seen one.
Garnet: Yeah, Square isn’t sparing any expense, are they?
From the ICE CAVERN, the group heads to the quaint little town of DALI. ZIDANE and GARNET find out the town’s SECRET; it turns out that they’re CREATING BLACK MAGE SOLDIERS for QUEEN BRAHNE. With this information, ZIDANE comendeers the CARGO SHIP and they head to LINDBLUM. CID tells them that BRAHNE intends to start a WAR. Instead of DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT, CID opts to SIT ON HIS OGLOP ASS and watch the FESTIVAL OF THE HUNT.
Vivi: Also known as “Watching wild beasts destroy anything they come across while stupid people fight them for a cheap prize.”
After the FESTIVAL OF THE HUNT, a BURMECIAN SOLDIER staggers into the royal chamber and tells the group that an ARMY OF BLACK MAGE SOLDIERS has DECIMATED BERMECIA.
Cid: But forget about that, let’s [i]eat![/i]
GARNET DRUGS EVERYONE BUT STEINER. They TAKE OFF for ALEXANDRIA. EVERYBODY at the dinner table WAKES UP, and with FREYA they head to BURMECIA. Along the way they pick up QUINA, even though NOBODY knows WHY.
Quina: I cook good frog! [i]That[/i] why!
Zidane: ‘shrugs’ Frog’s legs are a delicacy, I guess.
In BURMECIA, the foursome of ZIDANE, VIVI, FREYA, and QUINA find DEAD BURMECIANS and a few STRAGGLERS. It’s then they find QUEEN BRAHNE, BEATRIX, and the EFFEMINITE KUJA.
Garnet: Hot damn, I’d [i]love[/i] to have hips like that.
BEATRIX BEATS DOWN THE RAG-TAG PARTY WITH A SINGLE CLIMHAZZARD.
Freya: Oog… My oblique muscle… I didn’t even think I [i]had[/i] one of those.
MEANWHILE, GARNET and STEINER travel towards ALEXANDRIA CASTLE and meet up with MARCUS. GARNET CHANGES HER MIND and goes to TRENO with MARCUS to find an item that will supposedly save BLANK from his STONED STATE, the SUPERSOFT.
Zidane: Who-boy, here it comes. The easiest joke in the book. You do the honors, Marcus.
Marcus: Thanks. ‘AHEM’ Lemme tell ya, it ain’t the first time Blank’s been stoned.
Zidane: ‘applauds’ Well done, mon amigo. Not the best, but easy.
Marcus. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.
From there, the trio use the GARGANT to travel to ALEXANDRIA, where they are TRAPPED like BIG WEAPON-HOLDING RATS. STEINER and MARCUS are suspended in a BIG BIRD CAGE, and BRAHNE EXTRACTS GARNET’S EIDOLONS.
Zidane: Eew… are those near the pancreas?
MEANWHILE, ZIDANE and company head to CLEYRA. BRAHNE WIPES OUT CLEYRA WITH ONE OF GARNET’S EIDOLONS. ZIDANE, VIVI, and FREYA escape a HORRIBLE EXPLODING DEATH. They STOWAWAY on BRAHNE’S AIRSHIP, the RED ROSE. Learning that GARNET will be EXECUTED upon arrival in ALEXANDRIA, ZIDANE and company hop in the convenient TELEPODS used to TRANSPORT BLACK MAGES and attempt to BEAT THE SHIP there. STEINER and MARCUS break out of ALEXANDRIA’S PRISON, and meet up with ZIDANE and company. MARCUS sprints off to the EVIL FOREST and RESTORES BLANK. ZIDANE SAVES THE COMATOSE GARNET.
Zidane: These plot points seem so vaguely [i]familiar[/i] somehow…. ‘scratches his chin’
However, BRAHNE and BEATRIX catch them. After seeing GARNET HALF DEAD, BEATRIX figures out that the queen really DID mean to kill her own DAUGHTER, and BEATRIX SWITCHES SIDES.
Brahne: Am I really that ugly?
Beatrix: Yes.
Brahne: ‘sobs’
ZIDANE, GARNET, and VIVI escape from ALEXANDRIA CASTLE and ultimately wind up back in LINDBLUM, which BRAHNE had just ATTACKED with another EIDOLON. BRAHNE HAS NOW CONQUERED THE CONTINENT. CID sends ZIDANE and company to the OUTER CONTINENT to chase after KUJA. After gathering information, they meet EIKO, a young girl with a HORN on her FOREHEAD who can SUMMON EIDOLONS like GARNET.
Eiko: No “horny” jokes, [i]please[/i]. I’m only six.
Zidane: Yeah, that bugs me. You live with moogles your entire short life thus far and you know more about relationships and human behavior then all of us put together. Why is that?
Eiko: Um…. uh…. that is, I…..um…… HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!
Zidane: Huh? What?
Eiko: ‘runs away’
With EIKO’S help, the crew defeats another BIG PLANT THING, thus dissapating THE MIST.
Beatrix: Actually, Brahne just quit smoking.
Running back to MADAIN SARI, the group assimilates into the party the EX-SECURITY GUARD-TURNED BOUNTY HUNTER OR SOMETHING named AMARANT.
Amarant: I am Amarant of Borg. Your ass is grass. Resistance is futile.
Going back to the Iifa tree, the group encounters KUJA. KUJA messes with their heads, then turns his attention to BRAHNE. They duke it out, and BRAHNE ENDS UP ON THE SHORT END OF THE STICK, and DIES.
Garnet: Farewell, mother. I hope they have cream puffs in heaven. I know you loved those. And chocolate covered cherries. And white cheddar popcorn. And purple M&Ms, and skittles, and nougat, and Hershey’s Syrup straight from the bottle, and-
GARNET BECOMES QUEEN. ZIDANE and company run over to TRENO for a while, but run back to ALEXANDRIA when KUJA starts doing an INNER MONOLOGUE. GARNET and EIKO SUMMON ALEXANDER to protect ALEXANDRIA. THE HUGE-ASS EIDOLON FAILS and ALEXANDRIA IS PUT INTO RUINS. GARNET becomes MUTE and rejoins the group.
Garnet: Eh, the city can get along without a ruler for a while.
The group tries to find KUJA, but end up getting CAPTURED by falling in QUICKSAND.
Kuja: Geez, even [i]I[/i] didn’t think you guys were [i]that[/i] dumb.
The group is SPLIT UP. One half retrieves the GULUG STONE for KUJA, and the other half sit back for a while then BREAK OUT of their prison. the two halves REUNITE, but EIKO is ABDUCTED.
Zidane: Y’know, this alw- [ATTENTION: DUE TO CONTENT INVOLVING MAKING FUN OF CHILD ABDUCTIONS, THIS JOKE HAS BEEN EDITED. HAVE A NICE DAY.] -needs a monkey.
Eiko: Gotta love political correctness.
The group heads to ESTO GAZA and save EIKO. They also find HILDA, CID’S WIFE. After returning to LINDBLUM, HILDA RESTORES CID TO HUMAN FORM ONCE AGAIN. GARNET REGAINS HER VOICE. HILDA informs everybody that KUJA hails from ANOTHER WORLD named TERRA.
Zidane: Final Fantasy Fanboys think this relates to FF6. Smart people know “terra” is the latin word for “earth.”
Amarant: Stop trying to sound smart. It isn’t working.
After learning of TERRA’S exsistance, the scoobies decide to DROP EVERYTHING and CHECK IT OUT. OPENING THE GATE, THEY JUMP IN. ZIDANE meets GARLAND, and the old coot screws with ZIDANE’S MIND. After a little exploring, they find BRAN BAL, a town of GENOMES. THE GENOMES LOOK EXACTLY LIKE ZIDANE. ZIDANE PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND DEDUCES THAT THIS IS HIS BIRTHPLACE.
Zidane: Hey, cool! I have a cute chick for a sister!
Kuja: And you have [i]me[/i] as a brother.
Zidane: Eh. I’ll take the horrible mental scarring along with the cute sister.
ZIDANE learns of his origins from GARLAND. GARLAND gives ZIDANE BRAIN DAMAGE or SOMETHING. ZIDANE RECOVERS after a PEP TALK from his BUDDIES. THEY ALL GO AFTER GARLAND AND KICK HIS ANCIENT ASS. KUJA shows up, and using the power of TRANCE, DESTROYS THE PLANET OF TERRA.
Kuja: Okay, even though it looks like I have breasts while in Trance mode, I’m still a guy, all right? ALL RIGHT?!
The souls within TERRA drain into GAIA, causing an overflow of MIST that covers the ENTIRE PLANET. After dropping off the BRAN BAL survivors in the BLACK MAGE VILLAGE, everyone regroups for a FINAL ASSAULT IN MEMORIA. Upon arrival at the entrance, the COOLEST AERIAL BATTLE EVER starts up. The scoobies enter MEMORIA. As a SPIRIT, GARLAND explains that the place was created from everybody’s MEMORIES.
Zidane: Thanks for the tip, old guy, but we could’ve figured that out on our own.
Garnet: ‘looking to her left’ Whoa! Zidane and I never did [i]that![/i] ….I had no idea I could bend that way. Neat.
Freya: ‘covers Eiko and Vivi’s eyes’
The gang troops through MEMORIA and STOMPS KUJA’S ASS INTO THE EARTH’S CRUST. A cosmic entity, NECRON, pops up out of NOWHERE, babbling on and on about FEAR, and decides to END TIME, SPACE, AND TONY DANZA.
Garnet: Apparently that’s what cosmic entities [i]do.[/i]
NECRON GETS HIS SHINY ASS HANDED TO HIM ON A SILVER PLATTER. KUJA transports EVERYONE OUT before SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. The IIFA TREE GOES NUTZOID. ZIDANE stays behind while EVERYONE ELSE HIGH-TAILS IT. ZIDANE ATTEMPTS TO save KUJA, but SUPPOSEDLY ends up SQUISHED.
Zidane: Well, that’ll teach me to be nice to my gender-confused brother.
TIME PASSES. People talk about ZIDANE in the PAST TENSE. TANTALUS performs “I WANT TO BE YOUR CANARY” in ALEXANDRIA once again. Surprisingly, ZIDANE REVEALS HIMSELF AS THE LEAD.
Amarant: Well, paint me blue and call me a monkey. He ain’t dead.
Lani: ‘sarcastically’ Yeah, who saw [i]that[/i] coming, huh?
GARNET RUNS DOWN TO CENTER STAGE AND HUGS ZIDANE.
THE END.
Eiko: Um, question! If Zidane’s not dead, then what happened to Kuja?
Zidane: D’OH! I must’ve forgotten him. Be right back! ‘takes off’
Garnet: HOOOOONEEEEEY!!!! WAAAAAIIIIIT FOOOOOR MEEEEEEE!!!! ‘chases him’
OKAY, I’LL STOP.
~FIN
