Final Fantasy VII: Supercondensed: One of the Most Influential Games of the Past 10 Years
We start off with AVALANCHE blowing up a MAKO REACTOR in MIDGAR.
Mako Reactor: Boom.
PRESIDENT SHINRA gets PISSED. He orders the pillar holding up SECTOR 7 to be DESTROYED, theoretically wiping out rebel group AVALANCHE. Three members of AVALANCHE survive.
Cloud: Woo-hoo!
However, AERIS is KIDNAPPED by the TURKS.
Cloud: D’oh!
CLOUD, TIFA, and BARRET rescue AERIS and meet RED XIII. PRESIDENT SHINRA is KILLED by SEPHIROTH. RUFUS arrives and inherits the Presidency. AVALANCHE escapes and RUN AWAY from the SHINRA with their tails between their LEGS.
Red XIII: I refuse to do this joke.
AVLANCHE regroups in KALM. Cloud tells his story about what happened five years ago in NIBELHIEM.
Cloud: ….And then I put Tifa’s underwear on my head, danced a little irish jig, then smacked Sephiroth around like the little pantywaist that he is.
Tifa: ‘rolls her eyes’ Suuuuure, Cloud. We believe you.
AVALANCHE travels to JUNON. On the way, they meet YUFFIE.
Yuffie: Hi. My name is Yuffie, and I’m a rude, obnoxious, self-absorbed teenage thief with parental issues who’s training to be a ninja master. I will steal all of your materia later on and I’ll just get a slap on the wrist for it.
Cloud: Hey, cool! We could really use someone like you.
AVALANCHE disguises themselves as members of SHINRA, INC. and cross the OCEAN. On this new continent, various HIJINKS ensue and CAIT SITH, VINCENT, and CID join the group. AVALANCHE heads to the TEMPLE OF THE ANCIENTS. SEPHIROTH MESSES with CLOUD’S HEAD and he takes the BLACK MATERIA.
Sephiroth: Give…. me…. your…… PUPPIES!
Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Tifa: I think he’s talking to ME.
AERIS sneaks off to the CITY OF THE ANCIENTS. EVERYONE follows her. SEPHIROTH KILLS AERIS. Cloud FORGETS how to use REVIVE magic. FANBOYS begin the pitiful “AERIS REVIVAL” debate.
Aeris: Ro….. Rosebud….. ‘hack’ ‘cough’ ‘dies’
AVALANCHE heads to the NORTHERN CRATER to stop SEPHIROTH from summoning the METEOR. CLOUD figures out he’s been WORKING for SEPHIROTH the ENTIRE TIME. CLOUD feels like a MORON. SEPHIROTH SUMMONS THE METEOR. EVERYONE except CLOUD and SEPHIROTH escape the NORTHERN CRATER and the WEAPONS tear ass out of the FROZEN WASTELAND.
Tifa: Ooh, pretty light show! ‘CLONK’ ‘is knocked out’
TIFA sleeps for a WEEK. She WAKES UP in a JUNON holding cell with BARRET.
Barret: I didn’t try anything kinky, I swear. Well, uh, that is unless you count-
Tifa: Enough. Nobody wants to know.
RUFUS wants to EXECUTE TIFA and BARRET. A WEAPON attacks and the EXECUTION is INTERRUPED. AVALANCHE ESCAPES with the HIGHWIND.
Cid: Those $%*&$#@ spilled goddamned coffee on the %$@#(*& upholstry!
TIFA leads the party while they SEARCH for CLOUD.
Tifa: Hey, I got an idea! Howsabout we visit the only place on the world map we haven’t been to yet!
The SEARCH for CLOUD ends in MIDEEL. CLOUD now cannot outwit a RETARDED ROCK. TIFA, the HOPELESS ROMANTIC, decides to STAY with CLOUD and take care of him. CID is APPOINTED the LEADER.
Cid: &^%# this.
AVALANCHE takes the HUGE MATERIA from FT. CONDOR and NORTH COREL. They return to MIDEEL to check on TIFA and CLOUD. The ULTIMATE WEAPON attacks. The LIFESTREAM punches through the ground like WET TISSUE, and MIDEEL is DESTROYED. CLOUD and TIFA are sucked into the LIFESTREAM.
Tifa: Whoa… funky.
CLOUD and TIFA finally FIGURE OUT what really happened five years ago. CLOUD and TIFA return to the broken-down MIDEEL and take a SNOOZE.
Yuffie: ‘sarcastically’ Geez, I wonder what they were doing down there that made them so tired?
CLOUD REGAINS his WITS. HE LEADS AVALANCHE ONCE AGAIN. They head to JUNON and take the HUGE MATERIA from there too. RUFUS plans on blasting the METEOR to BREAKFAST CEREAL with CID’S ROCKET and a chunk of HUGE MATERIA.
Heidegger: Yeah, let’s just throw some rocks at it. That’ll do it.
The plan FAILS WORSE THAN CARROT TOP’S MOVIE CAREER. RUFUS tries SHOOTING at the BARRIER encasing the NORTHERN CRATER with JUNON’s HUGE-ASS CANNON. The BARRIER drops as the DIAMOND WEAPON attacks MIDGAR. RUFUS gets BLOWN UP.
Rufus: ‘sings’ I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain…..
HOJO, the INSANE SCIENTIST, decides to fire again, which would result in BLOWING UP MIDGAR. AVALANCHE stops him. The FINAL BATTLE is nigh.
Cloud: Okay, after all we’ve been through, and after doing all that work to get to Sephiroth, I think it’s time we got some Rn’R.
Barret: Good call. I could use a beer right about now.
EVERYONE spends a couple of days with their LOVED ONES. EVERYONE RETURNS and they head to the NORTHERN CRATER.
Cloud: Eat my justice!
Sephiroth: No, eat MINE! ‘summons SUPERNOVA’
Cloud: Crap in a hat.
AVALANCHE DEFEATS SEPHIROTH. The SHIRTLESS SEPHIROTH tries to beat CLOUD one last time in a last-ditch effort. SHIRTLESS SEPHIROTH, despite his SIX-PACK, gets his ass OMNISLASHED.
Sephiroth: Ow.
CLOUD comes to and AVALANCHE escapes from the NORTHERN CRATER, which is BLOWING UP, or SOMETHING. The HOLY magic AERIS summoned before she KICKED THE BUCKET is RELEASED, and EVERYONE thinks all is well. HOLY pulls a BENEDICT ARNOLD and starts ASSISTING METEOR in DESTROYING HUMANITY.
Red XIII: Um, that can’t be good.
However, the LIFESTREAM snakes out from its resting place and begins FIGHTING HOLY and METEOR.
Red XIII: Hot damn, I wish I had my Camcorder. This would make an excellent main event for Pay-Per-View.
There is FLASH OF LIGHT. NOBODY knows what happened. RED XIII shows up ONE HUNDRED YEARS LATER with his KIDS, and shows them the RUINS of MIDGAR.
Red XIII: Y’see kids, that is why we DON’T piss off the planet.
~THE END~
