Final Fantasy X-2 Supercondensed

When we left off from Final Fantasy X, SIN had been OBLITERATED, the FAYTH stopped DREAMING, and Tidus DISAPPEARED into the FARPLANE or WHEREVER.

Tidus: What? It ain’t my fault I got paid scale for this gig.

Rikku: And meanwhile Yunie is raking in an eight-digit salary.

Tidus: …………I guess it wasn’t my story after all. ‘slumps shoulders’

ANYWAY, despite Tidus’s DIRT-POOR NEGOTIATION SKILLS, two YEARS pass and POLITICS start DIVIDING PEOPLE into FACTIONS. Yuna joins Rikku’s SPHERE HUNTING group, the GULLWINGS. Yes, that’s GULLWINGS.

Rikku: Yep, we named ourselves after birds who swoop down, steal food, and crap on you as they go.

Paine: I’m guessing there’s some sort of hidden ideolgy in there somewhere.

Kimahri is now a RONSO ELDER.

Kimahri: Kimahri really resent any joke you about to rip off from “Man Show.”

Rikku: What makes you thing we would?

Kimahri: Kimahri just KNOW.

Wakka and Lulu have paired up, apparently emulating FAN DOJINS because Lulu is EXPECTING THEIR FIRST CHILD. Wakka runs around in circles like an idiot trying to FIGURE OUT how to be a DAD.

Jecht: It’s easy, kiddo. Just slip ’em a few M&Ms every now and then and you’ll do fine.

Wakka: Ah, maybe. But look how your son turned out.

Jecht: ……You know, you got a point, kid. Make it Skittles.

Jecht and Auron are STILL DEAD. They hang out at the FARPLANE BAR AND GRILL and chit-chat with OTHER DEAD FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS.

Sephiroth: Free pretzels with a two-drink minimum. Thirty-seven and Aeris gives you a tabledance.

Aeris: At least that’s what I TELL them before they pass out.

Leo: ‘drunker than Ted Kennedy’ I LUVS EVER’BODEEEE!!!!!! WHEEEEE!!!!!!! ‘drops to the floor’

Back to the story. ‘AHEM’ A Sphere Hunter named Leblanc SWIPES Yuna’s GARMENT GRID, impersonates her for no other reason other than giving the game a COOL OPENING NUMBER, and LAUGHS like she’s the VILLAIN.

Leblanc: Mwa haa haa! Fear my overly-revealing outfit and twangy battle music!

The REAL Yuna shows up bustin’ moves Lara Croft can’t TOUCH, and WHOMPS Leblanc QUITE HANDILY using SONG AND DANCE.

Leblanc: Wah! Curse you and your ability to change into a different outfit on a whim! ‘runs away’

The Gullwings return to the Celcius and learn of a Sphere ATOP Mount Gagazet. They RUSH IN, almost FALL TO THEIR DEATHS, and TROUNCE Leblanc AGAIN.

Leblanc: Wah! Curse you and your ability to-

Ormi: Er, Boss, ya just SAID dat.

Leblanc: Quiet. I’ve been auditioning for a part in a Final Fantasy game for YEARS and I’m not about to let a flat personality at the beginning of the story screw up my spot now that I have it!

The Gullwings find the BLACK MAGE DRESSSPHERE and head back to the ship. Brother attempts to put the moves on Yuna but is met with Rikku’s BOOT OF FURY instead. It should be reiterated that since Brother and Rikku are Cid’s KIDS, it makes Yuna their COUSIN.

Brother: What? We did not grow up together, so that does not make her family, yes?

Rikku: SICKO! ‘BOOT OF FURY ENCORE’

After visiting Besaid and Zanarkand for a trip down MEMORY STREET, they make another RASH DECISION and SWIPE a movie sphere from KILIKA TEMPLE. After watching its OMINOUS CONTENTS, they decide to RETURN it. To lighten the mood they PARTY TILL DAWN on the deck while the ship is still FLYING.

Rikku: Let’s forget that air resistance, pressure, and altitude could possibly kill us several times over.

Yuna: ‘in a really crummy “scary” voice’ OooooOOOOooooohhhhh! It’s MAAAAAGIIIIIC! Boogah boogah!

Buddy: You set the Autopilot, right?

Brother: …………. Details, details. ‘swigs a bottle of something blue’

The gang RETURNS the EVIL SPHERE to one party or the other. While gone, they’re BURGLED by Leblanc.

Yuna: ‘blinks thrice’ Oh, poopie.

Rikku: Hey, watch your language!

Paine: ‘sighs, grabs one of the game’s translators’ You dumb-down the language yet you can’t get enough shots of my leather-wrapped ass. Just WHO are you trying to appeal to?

Translator: Um…. Conservatives into S&M?

Rikku: Insert congressman joke here.

The Gullwings INFILTRATE Chateau Leblanc to get back their sphere. After watching it, Leblanc reveals that she is in fact HELPING Nooj, who’s trying to locate and dismantle VEGNAGUN before it has a chance to EAT SPIRA FOR BREAKFAST WITH A SIDE ORDER OF HASH BROWNS. Vegnagun is a forgotten BIG-ASS MACHINA, and has been under LOCK AND KEY since Bevelle found out it has worse mood swings than a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.

Vegnagun: You HEAR ME, Flair?! I want you in the ring, in a cage, one-on-one! If you SMEEEEEEEEEEELLLL….what the GIANT MOSQUITO THING….. is COOKIN’!!!

Leblanc and Yuna join forces and dive into a GIANT HOLE where BAHAMUT’S FAYTH should be. Somehow they land without LIQUIFYING THEIR LEGS. The posse infultrate VEGNAGUN’S SANCTUM, but the BIG PANSY is already LONG GONE.

Vegnagun: Damn you, Flair! I’ll be back, I’LL BE BAAAACK!!!

FIENDS start pouring out of FAYTH HOLES.

Paine: Eww. That sounds SO dirty.

Redubbing themselves with a TRENDY SURNAME ripped off from a POPULAR SUPERHERO, the Friendly Neighborhood Gullwings take care of the fiends… for a PRICE.

Yuna: Hey, goody-two-shoes have to make money, too.

DARK AEONS, combined with MACHINA, are controlling the fiends. Though it PAINS her, Yuna fights and DEFEATS THEM. Ixion BLOWS ITSELF UP and knocks Yuna DOWN A FAYTH HOLE to the FARPLANE.

Sephiroth: Yaaaieeee! Did you guys SEE THAT?! A hot chick in jean shorts just fell out of NOWHERE!

Aeris: See it? She landed in the beer nuts. (now *I* have to clean it up. grumble…. grumbling noises….)

SHUYIN shows up and makes Yuna feel all warm and SQUISHY. He disappears, and Nooj and Gippal just POP UP like they’d BEEN THERE the ENTIRE TIME.

Gippal: Yuna and Shuyin, sittin’ in a tree, F-U-C-

Nooj: ‘clocks him’ Perv.

Nooj and Gippal chase after Shuyin. The SILHOUETTE of Tidus guides Yuna UP, UP, and AWAY.

Aeris: Aw, damn. I was hoping she’d stick around. WAY too many guys here.

Yuna REFOCUSES. It’s decided she’ll give a CONCERT, thus TRUMPING Leblanc. She SINGS and DANCES with the aid of LENNE, the spirit of the Songstress Dressspere and Shuyin’s lover. Somehow Lenne and Shuyin’s story is PROJECTED to everyone watching, and sequentially causes them to RETHINK their life choices and suddenly convert to PACIFISM. Factions that were at each others THROATS now make HAPPY FACES and get along all fine and dandy.

Rikku: Got that? ‘Cuz *I* don’t.

After the concert, Yuna decides to GO BACK to the Farplane to WHAIL on Vegnagun. The Gullwings dive in HEADFIRST, MEET UP with Leblanc, and proceed to BEAT THE UNLIVING GUTS OUT OF THE BIG-ASS MOSQUITO before it BLOWS UP the Farplane or WHATEVER while Auron, Jecht, and Braska give COLOR COMMENTARY.

Jecht: Oooh, Vegnagun is down and it’s one… two… THREE!

Auron: Ladies and gentlemen, in all my years I’ve never seen anything quite like THIS! What an upset! We have a NEW World Farplane Champion!

Shuyin WHINES more than Tidus EVER did. Lenne REVEALS herself, comforts him, and he STILL whines as they depart together.

Yuna: Some guys just LIVE to be a nuisance.

Rikku: Well, technically, he’s not even ALIVE, so I guess being annoying goes beyond even DEATH.

Paine: That’s scarier than my hair in the morning.

Rikku: TELL me about it. More than once I’ve mistakenly called the Ghostbusters before you’ve had your precious shower.

As the group LEAVES, a FAYTH pulls Yuna aside like a DEALER and asks if she wants to see HIM. Yuna says yes with PLENTY of ENTHUSIASM.

Yuna: And for your information, NO, “do you want to see him?” is NOT a euphamism for “do you wanna smoke the contents of this Glostick?”

As TRADITION GOES, the HEROES make a speech in LUCA STADIUM, even though NO ONE ON SPIRA HAD ANY IDEA THEY WERE IN ANY DANGER. The Gullwings skip out on the PAH-TAY and head to BESAID. TIDUS FINALLY APPEARS, and of course there’s a TEARFUL REUNION. Wakka and Lulu show off their newborn child, Rikku giggles, Paine smirks, and everybody lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Aeris: ‘cleaning up the beer nuts’ ….Dammit, why can’t EVERY Final Fantasy end like that? Effin’ new blood get ALL the publicity…..

TEH ENDO.