Find Yourself and Then You’ll Find Mr. Right
Who are you?
Perhaps the most important thing you need to know is who you are. Sounds simple. But sometimes people observing us can see things about us that we’ve grown so used to, we no longer even notice.
Think about what you know about yourself. Make a list.
�Do you like to get up early, or do you like to sleep in? Do you like to party until the bars close, or would you rather spend an evening in pajamas watching PBS?
�Are you religious or not?
�Is family important to you? Would you like to have children? If so, how soon? How many?
�What hobbies do you enjoy? Are you an active outdoors person, or do you prefer doing things indoors and leisurely?
�Are you a health nut? Or a smoker?
Most of us are very open-minded about what we like. If a person we are dating is different, it can seem exciting and become a fun opportunity to try new things. We might even learn we like something we’d never thought of trying before. But sometimes we allow our initial excitement to cloud potential conflict areas. It’s fine to be open-minded. But it’s very important for us to know which things are important to us–which things we won’t compromise–prior to engaging in a romantic relationship with another person.
If you wake up an hour before dawn, and like to go out and start your day immediately with your partner, then someone who likes to sleep in might present a problem. But if you like to get up, have some coffee, read the paper, and watch the morning news for a few hours while you do some light housework, then having a partner who uses that time for extra sleep might work out well. It could give you some valuable alone time to do things you like to do on your own.
If there is an activity you don’t engage in, ask yourself, “why not?” Is it because you never had any interest in it? Or do you find it to be distasteful? Obviously, if you find it distasteful–it would be unwise to start dating someone who engages in it. However, if this activity really doesn’t bother you when someone else engages in it, then it might not present a problem for your relationship.
Be honest about potential conflicts. Remember that marriage means accepting someone “as is”–without stipulations. If you can’t accept something about your partner, it is unwise to hope and dream of a future together unless that area can first be resolved to your mutual satisfaction.
Are you OK with who you are?
Would you want to marry a person like you? If you had to be yourself, the way you are right now, for the rest of your life, would that be OK with you? Do you like yourself? Do you feel good about the things you say and do?
Again, this takes honesty. If you already know you would like to change yourself, it might be a good idea to tackle that issue before you start searching for a partner. If you choose a partner who has the same problem, and you try to change afterward, it could make things very difficult for you both. If you want to change yourself–will you honestly be able to accept a lifetime partner with the same issue, who can’t or won’t change? Alternately if you’re partner does not share your problem, will you feel guilty every time it presents itself? Will it negatively increase your pressure to change and exacerbate your feelings of failure if you have trouble changing?
It is important to understand your issues and your motivators–whether it’s smoking, drinking, religion, children, family relationships, sleep patterns, eating habits, health and fitness, or entertainment. Why you do things will tell you far more than what sorts of things you do. It’s important to understand yourself on the level of motivation. No single activity is a deal-breaker. But if you understand why you engage or do not engage in something, you will be much better suited to determine whether or not an activity is a deal-breaker for you.
It is best to define these areas in which you cannot compromise before you meet someone you like. Otherwise, your level of attachment to another person could result in a compromise you are unaware you cannot commit to for a lifetime. And that is an assurance of trouble down the road.
If you aren’t the type of person you would want to marry, then you have some work to do before you start looking for a partner. Resolve your issues first. Then you will be stronger and more ready to intermingle your life with the life of another person. It is not a good idea to enter into a relationship knowing already that you intend to make drastic or difficult changes in yourself-quitting smoking or drinking, losing 30 pounds, or becoming more health conscious. The person dating you did not ask you out as the person you want to become. He asked out the person you are now. Become the person you want to be before you present yourself to the dating world. Find the person who is comfortable with the “you” with which you are also comfortable and confident.
No one is ever perfect. We can all improve over the course of our lifetimes. But if you feel unacceptable as you are, then you are not ready to be involved with another person. A strong relationship requires two strong, independent people who can comfortably accept themselves as well as each other, and who can comfortably express themselves and their needs in a confident manner–without destructive feelings of inadequacy.
Defining your optimal partner.
You’ve made a list of your life patterns. You’ve thought about yourself in terms of “would ‘I’ want to marry ‘me’?” And you’ve reached a point where you have become as acceptable as the person you would like to marry. Now you’re ready to make a list defining the partner who is best suited for you. Describe all the things you appreciate the most about yourself. You’ve just defined Mr. Right.
If you appreciate your honesty, then Mr. Right should be honest. If you appreciate your work ethic, then Mr. Right should share your career-conscious attitude. If you are concerned with your physical well-being, then Mr. Right should show the same concern for his health.
We all have negative features. Unlike the issues we feel we must change about ourselves, these are things we could improve upon–but with which we can still live and feel acceptable and proud of ourselves. It is important to honestly understand these areas as well, in order to define complementary traits. These are areas where it might be best, or more acceptable, if your partner is unlike you.
Are you the woman who would sell the family cow for a handful of magic beans? If you are sometimes overly trusting, it might be OK to find a person who appreciates your imaginative and somewhat naive nature–but who brings more realism to the relationship. Perhaps it would be best for him to handle the retirement accounts while you handle home dÃ?©cor and choose vacation venues.
Are you opinionated and emotional about certain topics during a discussion? If you are, it might be a OK to find a person who appreciates your high energy–but who brings a calm attitude and reasonable perspective to hot button issues. Perhaps he can help you broaden your perspective in areas where you might be less open to new ideas.
Imperfections that don’t make us feel bad about ourselves still need to be recognized. If we partner with a person who shares our flaws, it brings understanding to the table–but also the potential for those flaws to butt up against one another. Two zealous, stubborn people in an argument can be a handful, whereas one zealous, stubborn person with another who is calm and reasonable, could create a more balanced dynamic. Still, the partner who shares your minor flaws can often relate to you on a more personal and sympathetic level. In areas that are not “deal breakers,” it really is up to you to decide whether you would benefit from someone more or less like yourself.
Seeking Mr. Right.
What did you find out about yourself? Do you like to go out and party at night? Or are you in bed by 8:30 p.m.? To find your Mr. Right, you need to, as much as possible, put yourself in situations where you are exercising your desires along with other, like-minded people. Go out dancing or to a live music venue with friends–if you want to meet men who also like an evening out.
If you’re the early morning nature type, head out to the beach or a local park or lake as early as possible. If you’re not religious, go out on a Sunday morning in order to meet men who are not attending church. If you are religious, find a large congregation in your area that shares your views and join their social functions or volunteer groups.
There is no magical place where all the “good” men can be found. The “right” man for you is going to be doing the same things you want like to do. Find as many venues as possible for your hobbies, and then make sure you’re out there. That way, you’re true to your own interests. You’re meeting people who share those interests. And you’re giving yourself the best odds of meeting a single person with which you already have something in common.
Assessing Mr. Right.
Now you know yourself. You have corrected your major faults. You know who you are looking for. And you have become social in groups where Mr. Right is likely to be found. You will be amazed at how quickly you will be able to now identify whether or not a person is potentially “right” for you once you have thoroughly defined what you need. Most people who are dating use a “lottery method.” We meet an attractive man who seems nice, spend quite a bit of time building a relationship and hoping things will work out for the best, and then we are left wondering what went wrong when it ends in separation. The “interview method,” knowing what you want before you start to look, can be just as enjoyable–and far more effective.
While it’s great fun to meet and date new people, it’s important to always keep your qualifying list in mind. It’s an interview process for a very important position: your life-mate. But it doesn’t have to be sterile. Don’t pull out your list and ask a date to fill out a questionnaire. Instead, use your list as a means of fostering interesting conversation while you get to know this other person. Instead of asking, “Do you want a family?” on your first date, ask about his family. Does he have siblings? Did he enjoy growing up with so many (or so few) siblings? Are his parents alive and still married? Was his childhood a happy one? Did they do a lot of family activities together?
This gives him an opportunity to talk about himself–his likes and dislikes. You will both enjoy yourselves while you engage in a discussion about important things that will absolutely have a bearing on whether or not you are compatible. You will hear his ideas and impressions on “family” and find out what that word means to him. The more you find out about him up front, the sooner you can determine whether or not this person meets your criteria for an optimal life-mate.
You aren’t trying to determine if he’s a nice or interesting person. You’re trying to determine whether or not he is a compatible addition to your life, based on who you are and what you want for yourself and your future. He may be a very interesting person–successful, handsome, funny–but still not right for you. If you know who you are and what you want, and he cannot offer you that, it doesn’t matter what other wonderful qualities he may have. It’s perfectly OK to acknowledge that a person is wonderful–but still not optimal for you.
It doesn’t have to work the first time.
You went out on a few dates, and then he stopped calling. He seemed to fulfill your list–but he’s not acting interested.
It’s not the end of the world. Remember your evaluation process? Well, if he’s wise, he has one as well. And even if he’s everything you think you want or need, he may have noticed something about you that won’t work for him. That’s OK. You can be a bright, beautiful, dynamic person, and still not be “right” for every man out there. Nobody is right for everybody. If someone doesn’t see you as compatible, that’s not rejection, it’s a fair evaluation. Just as you know you’re not suited for every job that’s out there in the world, you’re not suited for every lifestyle, either.
Part of the criteria for any “Mr. Right” should always be: “He really wants to be with me.” If he doesn’t–he can’t possibly have been Mr. Right for you. If he choses to end the relationship, he likely has done you a favor. Respect his right to decide what is best for his own life. And have faith in your ability to find the man best suited to your needs.
Get to know your partner.
You’ve gone out for a few months now, and it seems to be going well. You are getting to know one another very quickly, and all the listed requirements are being met. He’s everything you defined, and he says you’re what he’s been looking for. What now?
Be sure to meet Mr. Right’s friends and family before investing too much in the relationship. It’s very easy to be Prince Charming when he’s away from those who know him best. How does he act with his mother? His brother? His friends? His coworkers? Is he the same man you’ve been seeing for the last three months? Or is he someone you don’t recognize? When associates make jokes about him, do you wonder who they’re talking about? Or do you laugh because you’ve seen the same endearing shortcomings in him already?
If he isn’t the same person around other people as he is with you, if they appear to know someone wholly different than the man you’ve gotten to know lately, be careful. It could be that he’s so interested in impressing you that he’s not honestly being himself. He may not be giving you an opportunity to see the real him. While it’s understandably easy to be flattered by such efforts, take a moment to ask yourself why he might feel a need to be someone other than himself to be impressive. Does he believe the person he really is isn’t good enough? A facade is not something anyone can keep up forever. This wonderful person you’ve gotten to know might not really exist. Perhaps he has some improvements he should have made prior to searching for his life-partner.
Be sure this man is the same person all the way around. If you appreciate his honesty with you–make sure to note if he’s dishonest with his family or coworkers. If he feels it’s OK to lie in some situations–he will be lying to you one day.
While this could be a disappointing revelation, try to keep in mind that it’s always best to find out someone isn’t for you as quickly as possible. The benefit of being able to recognize what is not right for you should not be undervalued. It can save you months or even years of wasted energy. If he’s not for you, move on.
Don’t try to change him.
If he doesn’t fit your list of “must haves,” don’t try to change him. He has just as much right to be who he is as you have to be who you are. Accept him or move on. It is no more fair to ask someone to compromise in order to meet your desires than it is for him to ask you to change to suit his. You know yourself. You like yourself. And you do not need to compromise yourself for anyone. Likewise, asking him to compromise himself for you shows a lack of respect for who he is.
If he offers to compromise, consider his motivation. Is it something he considers to be a small thing that is easily accommodated? Or is he promising he can change his world for you? Flattering as that may be, it’s not a good sign. It could indicate an unhealthy attachment. If you left now, would you have phone calls a 3:00 a.m. every night for three months begging you to come back? When “you” are more important to him than his values, himself, and his world–that should be considered obsessive.
Your goal is to “find” Mr. Right-not to “create” him out of someone else. If someone is not for you, recognize it-early-and move on, amicably and with determination. A big part of finding the right person for you is swiftly recognizing Mr. Wrong and Mr. Almost. Interesting as they may be. Do not settle for either.
Get what you know you deserve.
If you know yourself, know what you want, and put yourself in situations where you are likely to find it, you will astronomically increase your chances of actually finding it. And if you are quick to recognize what you don’t want, and unwilling to accept anything less, that will speed up the process exponentially.
